Title is self-explanatory. Any YT videos here have no ads in them and go straight to the point.

Also, I'll express right here my bewilderment to the amount of awards. Holy ♥♥♥♥, I'm happy to see the guide has served well for many!

11/15/2024 - Guide was created with info up to Mission 3 - Area 51

11/17/2024 - Finished the rest of the ****ing guide

11/18/2024 - Performed some light grammatical amendments, added a new piece of advice to the GENERAL TIPS section.

11/23/2024 - Edited the NO STEALTH & BLOW UP THE ENTRANCE section after discovering that the torch on one of the pillars in the lobby is not for decoration. Removed the redundant section.

12/03/2024 - Edited the GOLDEN DOOBIE section to include an excellent survival tactic for the Ponder the Orb part of the level.

12/10/2024 - Edited the EAT THE CAR IN THE SANDPIT section to instead include a much easier method to accomplish this task.

12/20/2024 - Added a Secrets section for Space Cake and Illuminati HQ after a round of scouring the game for hints on unlocking cheats and discovering these in the process.

05/03/2025 - Added a new way to complete the Bonk Everyone challenge in the first Prison Break level.

• Once a task is fulfilled, you don't have to complete the level afterwards for the game to register your progress. Unless the task involves finishing a mission without dying, you're free to leave after finding the secrets or concluding whatever business you may have.
  
  
• The animals (or naked models) locked in a cage feature full-blown noclip, so they can chase enemies through walls to reach them. If there aren't any enemies around, they spin in place as they fly upwards and explode.
  
  
• Using Right-Click / Aiming with the Katana ANY MELEE WEAPON lets you block bullets. You also don't need to directly face your target, you're so MLG PRO GAMER that you can stop the bullets even when facing in literally any other direction.
  
  
• If you're looking to complete the achievement of unaliving yourself through self-detonation, bear in mind that only the explosion of a Frag Grenade counts for the achievement.
  Thank you IVE COME TO MAKE AN ANNOUNCEMENT for your discovery!

First things first, it doesn't matter how many weapons you unlock, not knowing where you keep your secret stash is a n00b mistake and we aren't skill of n00b.

The entrance to your super secret armory is one flight down of stairs, where the pool table is. You'll see a blue bookcase with a green 420 book on the upper shelf. Press it.

It is deleeshus caek

• Retrieve the hidden Goated weapon
  
• Don't die
  
• Shoot two astronauts on the moon (you know which meme)
  
• Eat all the cookies

As soon as you go through the elevator of the 7-Eleven at the moon, simply enter the other functional elevator, the one with garbage in a corner.



You'll see a vault in front of you where at the end of it lies the mythical Goated weapon you're looking for. Careful, taking it summons forth a Memelord and his lackeys.

Once you go to the moon and eliminate all ayys on the scene, go to the left of the space 7-Eleven. You can jump until you find a suitable firing position to shoot at the two astronauts.

Right at the very end of the level, before you take the emergency evac teleport, there are four cookies neatly arranged in a line towards it. Manually eat them for the task to be completed.

After passing through the laundromat, you'll enter a series of corridors with aliens dropping from vents and guarding corners. One of the walls has ventilation unit you can kick off to enter a secret room containing ammo, a Bad Guy Rifle and a microwave you can open for free stuff.

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Dave is chilling in the audience right behind the gigantic space cake.

• Don't fall off the jumping puzzle
  
• Enter Truthland without paying
  
• Rate Truthland 0-stars and survive
  
• Access the alien storage

Just shoot the rock

There are 5 alien target dummies on the aptly-named Alien Storage room. Shoot them within a short time limit to unlock the door.



Despite the name, you might be surprised to know there are, in fact, two live aliens inside it, armed with guns. Inside their improvised containment room lies a minigun that not only makes the next gunfights easier, it is now also permanently unlocked in your armory to take into completed levels.

The real obstacle are the two Blender teapot stock 3D models right before the last platform. Take all the time you need until those two are in a rotation good enough for you to make two quick jumps while the soccer ball is going down so you minimize the risk of falling off.

To increase your chances, save a medkit or healing powerup (such as the Energy Can) during the videogame simulator segment. Let an enemy alive, pickup the healing items, then kill the last enemy

Once you're in the room with Truth Land's Feedback Agents, press the 0-Star Review button and immediately run towards where you came from. Then proceed to slowly and surely bait one of the enemies to walk up to you so you can kill him with melee.. Take their gun and repeat, but now with a better margin of error.
Change your weapons as they run out of ammo or if they are better than what you currently have.

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PopTheTop の投稿を引用：

On the 0-Star Truth Land challenge, you can replay the level with armory weapons. When you first enter the rating room, you won't have weapons, but if you let them kill you once, or manually respawn in the pause menu, and you will respawn with your weapons you had in the previous rooms to help you kill the agents when you rate them 0 stars again.

I have personally confirmed that is the indeed the case. Show them how 1338 the Super Secret Service is by being one step ahead of the average nerd.


Thank you PopTheTop for this excellent maneuver!

Once you go past the door protected by the gigantic rock, you'll see this moon cardboard cutout. Jump on top of it to see a couple of grenade pickups behind the wall.

• Find the ninja-running zombies
  
• Shoot all the TV's
  
• Find the hidden Dubstepper
  
• Find the hidden Freedom Rifle
  
• Don't die

Exit the truck's freight container, then turn to your right. You'll see a bunch of crates stacked up in a corner.
Jump on the blue truck, then jump onto the crate pile and once you reach the top, look towards the entrance of Area 51. You'll see for yourself the fabled Mortis currens narutoensis in their natural habitat.

There are 6 TV's to shoot right at the beginning of the mission and only those. Difficult to miss unless you forgot about this objective.

Once you enter the vents, you'll reach this part where there is a grate on the top. Just shoot it or melee it if it didn't fall off during the firefight and go through it. You'll find a room with the sonic weapon waiting for you.

Our weapon is right there. But it can only be accessed while we're in a shrunken state.



First, head towards the vending machine and box stained with green paint. You'll see the paint stains telling you where to jump until you're on this part of the pipe. Face towards the rifle and simply slide under the ceiling. Be advised, the pipe has buggy collision, so sliding can take a few tries.

After you dispatch the first squad of Area 51 guards, head right into the hole in the wall and enter the two blue doors to find a stash with a Bad Guy Rifle.

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You can find a minigun right before the final arena room. Simply get shrunk, jump on the counter and enter like normal.

• Win all prizes in the Zombie Shooting minigame
  
• Ring door bell and take out the trash
  
• Retrieve the hidden goated weapon

Fairly straightforward. Once you reach this hallway after the first rooftop battle, ring the door bell as the challenge implies and greet the rowdy neighbor who probably mistook you for an average "No-Spend Challenge" enthusiast. Now simply take the gun and proceed with the mission as normal.

Another easy find, simply go down the stairs after you pass the room with the broken wall you have to crouch under to get through. As usual, Goated weapons are protected by a Memelord and its simps.

It appears the threshold to hit are 45 targets. Hurled at high velocities are also some exploding barrels you can shoot to catch some zombies in the ensuing explosion, providing a much more efficient alternative than individually shooting down the zombies… Unless you’re flexing your ESEA/CEVO/GOTFRAG/CAL I history.
If so, disregard my advice and show them your years of pro MLG experience, agent!

• Free the rip rocket from the train
  
• Drop the Piano on a turret
  
• Defeat Dhomas within 60 seconds

Right on the very first combat sequence you’ll be attacked by some zombies and a turret placed on top of a van. Dangling above it is the piano, shoot the yellow crane for it to fall.

While the challenge is more than perfectly doable first-try with the Bad Guy Rifle you can obtain shortly before the fight, you can just as easily replay the level with the guns you have collected so far to annihilate the team-killing, backwards-driving locomotive with delusions of grandeur.



Remember to dodge its laser beam by crouching and don’t forget to Schadenfreude taunt at the minions getting rekt by friendly fire.

Once you do the namesake of the mission and board the train, you’ll see in front of you a series of locked doors with shootable padlocks. Shoot all three to have the rip rocket held hostage behind such hyperbolic amount of physical security come out as a free man.

• Find the hidden Assault Rifle
  
• Shoplift the entire shop
  
• Invest $420,000,000
  
• Retrieve the hidden goated weapon

Once you exit the nightclub after making it rain, you'll notice a van parked outside.




You'll enter an alleyway that will lead you towards the goated weapon, impossible to miss and very straightforward. Picking it up will summon a Memelord and its batch of henchmen on you, you've been warned.

Within the warehouse filled with that sweet dank kush, you'll see a shed to the right of the main entrance. Jump atop the chair or pillar support and grab the elusive firearm.

This one, unlike selling all of the ganja-man's produce, can be trickier to complete. In order of priority:

• 1.- SELL THE SHOPPING CARTS FIRST (those risk falling into the void if pushed around by you or any enemies if you sell the walls around them beforehand)
  
  
  
• 2.- Sell the posters pasted to the wall. If you sold the wall holding them, they'll be floating in the air and those also count for challenge completion.
  
  
  
• 3.- Sell the rest of the store. Here's what a successful fire sale looks like:
  

• Find the meow meow dealer
  
• Free the imprisoned knife
  
• Eliminate the guard outside your cell
  
• Bonk everyone in the hammer room
  
• Stay out of the locker room

After opening the first set of jail cells, you’ll notice the last cell features a conspicuous poster suggesting a flight to South Beach. Interact with it to reveal one of the few Cursed weapons of this game. Try it and you’ll see what I mean.

Once you arrive to the feline-themed cozy game realm, turn to face the left-most bread bank up on this bustling town. Behind it, you’ll see the enterprising botanist of Meow Meow Town who puts the ‘Magic’ in the name of the game. No wonder all the cool cats here are so chill.

Once you reach the section prior to the Hammer Room, head on over to this cell and activate the bed inside to unlock a guaranteed spawn of a Leg Stretcher powerup hidden underneath it.



Now simply kick the button closest to your right and exit the area like normal.

A diagram showing which button operates which gavel

This challenge takes some practice and possibly a couple of retries, but it is relatively easy to get by simply mashing the buttons operating the front gavels. Any stragglers that managed to get away can then be squashed with the rear set of ceremonial mallets.

If the RNG wasn’t good to you, you can try this next approach.

According to Icedes:

Icedes の投稿を引用：

For prison 1, the bonk challenge only requires all the people in the room to be killed, not necessarly with the hammers. Throwing 2 granades at the room corners at the right time should kill all the prisoners and a bunch of cops, after that just finish the level normaly and the achievement is yours

This tactic is the easiest to do with the Dubstepper thanks to its gigantic area of effect. Simply replay the level and bring the harbinger of tinnitus with you, making this task a breeze while also being extremely effective against the second wave of enemies led by a Memelord.


Special thanks to Icedes for this tactic!

The guard in question de-spawns the very moment you exit your cell after kicking the toilet off the wall. This challenge must therefore be performed after completing the level so you can bring with you a couple of guns at the beginning of the mission.

Dave can be found chilling on the roof of the right-most building in the Meow Meow Magic Bakery segment. He has dialogue for you if you approach him.

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Inside the lockers room is a small box that always drops a Frag Grenade pickup. That’s due to a cracked wall at the very end of the shower room that can be blown up with a grenade blast. Inside is a small meme and a stash of ammo with a Bad Guy Rifle.

• Do all your laundry
  
• Find the hidden Boomer Shooter
  
• Retrieve the hidden goated weapon
  
• Don’t die

Once you hit this part where a restrained inmate performs a DYNAMIC ENTRY, go through the hole the guy left on the wall and simply enter the two blue doors. The Boomer Shooter is to your right.

Another segment that requires practice. Start with the washing machines the farthest away, they’re definitely more doable to stick in them a unit of dirty garments while they are moving slow. That way, by the time the washing machines start moving at much increased speeds, the shorter throwing distance helps make things easier.

Completing this challenge rewards you with a weapon intended for biological warfare banned by the Geneva Convention.

Reach the courtyard with the alien flying saucer. To your left is a small balcony. Use the low gravity to reach it and go past the first set of doors. Now jump on top of the broken yellow ladder at the end and then go to your left towards the open steel door.

This fight can be a bit tougher than usual, so be prepared.

• Find the rip rocket
  
• Retrieve the hidden goated weapon
  
• Get 10 headshots with the AWP.
  
• Defeat Mr. Chopper within 60 seconds

Knock the three set of bowling pins, simply running at them or shooting them works. Once the small celebratory confetti pops up, you’ll see you can now crouch through a new area where the goated weapon awaits.



Unlike the previous Goated combat arenas, this one is notably tougher. Bring with you a melee weapon to block an onslaught of bullets.

First off, don’t consume the Magic Vase powerup as soon as you see it. Enter the Goated arena room and eliminate the first set of gunlinger bowling pins. Now backtrack and grab the magic vase, then grab the Goated weapon. The slowdown effect will help you land those shots better.

You’ll eventually reach this courtyard.



Walk towards the locked door with the red lamp on top. On the left wall you’ll notice a vent, simply damage it to bust it open and retrieve the Rip Rocket hidden within.

Up on a catwalk you’ll notice a minigun emplacement.



Grab it to make short work of the flying warden, empty the entire ammo reserve on it. If you also retrieved the goated weapon of this level, it will also help greatly once you finish unloading 500 rounds worth of payback.

• Find the Sports Bat
  
• Burst every light bulb in the tunnels
  
• Don’t die
  
• Get a kill with at least 6 different weapons

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Everything can be consolidated in a single section given how straightforward this mission is.

In the process of bursting every light bulb you’ll come across the specific Sports Bat in one of the many dead ends. However, the achievement seems to register when you destroy the target dummies close to it and keep it within your person after destroying the ambushing Memelord and its gang of Lambent Formers.

You can find a Fartzooka under the first enemy who fires rockets at you, helping with the weapon variety situation.



Unlike the rest of the other missions, the potential damage output of the mutated soldiers can get to be aggressive in the tunnel section where the light bulbs explode. If you need to, no shame in taking potshots at the enemies while behind cover and kite the Memelords around to minimize all damage taken.

The part where you’re chased by the subway train is arguably the last real hurdle since you’re forced to push forward while your HP might be running on red numbers. A Deagle or a shotgun makes short work of those encounters. Remember you can also replay the level later and bring two of your most trusted tools for warfare to facilitate the journey.
May your aim be true, agent.

With permission from Noele Veerod’s Fantastic achievements guide, it is stated:

Noele Veerod の投稿を引用：

The last part of the level, where you ponder the orb, is rendered pretty much entirely free by deflecting everything all the time with melee while you chase and ponder the orb (yes, you can interact with it from the parrying stance).

• The Orb roadkills any scrub attempting to get in its sacred way, so use that to your advantage while you ponder its existence. It always goes in your opposite direction when you ponder it, making it a somewhat controllable projectile.
  
  
• You can also slide as you block projectiles to help close the distance.
  
  
• Avoid accidentally changing weapons while you mash that Use bind and keep your distance from the enemies to avoid their melee attacks.
  
  
• Finally, the moment you grab the golden doobie after freeing it from its spherical prison, all barrels in the vicinity will explode at once, so fire at any explosive/radioactive barrels close to the golden doobie before smoking it.

A big thank you to Noele Veerod for the permission to include this tactic for this section and the effort that went into the achievement guide!

• Enter the code, retrieve the weapon
  
• Blow up the entrance
  
• Destroy all of dave’s chandeliers
  
• Eliminate 30 agents with the sword fish
  
• No stealth, go in guns 420 BLAZING

That single torch is not a decoration, take it with you. To the left of the entrance is a door labeled “Storage”, where you will find stacks of explosive barrels waiting to explode after a brief flight down of stars. Place down the torch on the very convenient puddle of oil and watch the fireworks.



This approach is the most efficient, since it also takes out all the enemies in the general vicinity and de-activates the two sentry guns in the corridor that leads to the first “formal” combat segment.

Also, if you replay the level with the weapons of your choosing, you can simply kick the door open and shoot the barrels since nobody questions your blatant open carry (it’s generally normal for pizza delivery guys to be heavily armed).

You can find a Swordfish in an office room where the door is kicked off dramatically in slow-mo.



Naturally, you can also replay the level and take a locally-sourced Swordfish with you, with the added benefit of making the best use of the Gainz powerup in the first combat segment.

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According to the patch notes, the devs “fixed” the algebraic expression here so the lower set of equations can now be solved through conventional means. It is now notably more complicated but there are no signs of variables invalidating entire equations. The answer is still the same, however.

Just in case you’re interested in the actual theory, I noticed the equations are solved by what my old math teachers derogatorily refer to as “slacker math” and what any real life enjoyer knows as “shortcuts”. Yes, between mathematicians, this is their version of calling someone a filthy casual. Thankfully, nobody cares.

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1.- Basic polynomials, we all went through this at some point. Factoring the numerator results in
(x+8) (x-8). Since we have a (x-8) numerator and denominator, those are canceled, deplatformed and we’re left with just (x+8). Substituting x means (-1+8), solving that gives us 7 and 7 raised to the power of 3 results in 343.

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2.- A small rule you should know about x being Infinity: Any single constant divided by a variable that approaches infinity results in 0 regardless of its sign.



We simply separated the numerator for easier visualization here, letting us see we can simplify things further by making the appropriate divisions.



That five divided by an x approaching infinity means it gets turned into 0, so functionally-speaking, our real equation is simply 8 raised to the power of 2, resulting in 64.

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3.- TL;DR: In these very specific examples, whatever is the exponent on e multiplying x is our answer, so in this case it is 13.

Full answer:
Observant people might have noticed the problem of x being 0 and it is our denominator here. The professionals also realize that we’re evaluating a limit and if x is 0, that means we’re evaluating an indeterminate form (0/0) and therefore, can use L'Hôpital's rule to take the derivative of the numerator and denominator separately and divide them.
This results in:



How this was solved is straightforward.
First, the numerator. Derivate e, basically whatever multiplies the exponent multiples e as well. Then we can use the chain rule on e^13x, meaning we’re multiplying 13 by e^0. Anything raised to the power of 0 is 1, so we’re multiplying 13 by 1 = 13

Second, the denominator. The derivative of x is simply 1. Done, gg no re.

Simplified further is 13/1 = 13

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4.- eπi is Euler's formula and results in -1. So you’re actually reading it as -30*-1. Multiply the two and the negative number becomes a positive 30 value. The result of the equation to its left is 23 using methods already discussed in point 1, the ensuing result of 23-30 ends up being -7

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5.- I already talked about this in the third point of the list, so the answer is 4.

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6.- cos^2 (X)+sin^2 (X) is a Pythagorean identity that always results in 1, regardless of whatever X is.

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7.- You can now identify indeterminate form malarkey when you see it at this point, well done. That means the denominator is 1 and therefore, we only need to focus on the numerator. Logarithmic derivatives are also another hurdle in our math courses, the derivative for the numerator looking like this:



After substituting, it results in:



There, we all good.

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8, 9, 10.- Geometric series, not exactly common. You can speedrun through all three once you understand a very tiny detail involving the formula for the sum of infinite geometric series. Its formula goes like this:



a = 1
r = 29/30

The end result is a laughably simple fraction division.



You will notice the weak spot being in the common ratio right away: With the numerator always one less than the denominator, the resulting subtraction will always result in that denominator being our answer. Notice how that same logic is found in all the geometric series sums here. That means you can see for yourself and immediately deduce the correct numbers being 30, 3 and 23, all from just a simple glance. See? You’re already a pro at this, agent.

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11.- Another basic polynomial equation. See point 1.

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Operating the levers in the correct order of the code results in a minigun sent to the ensuing arena room. PRAISE BE THE GOLDEN DOOBIE, I HAVEN’T DONE SERIOUS MATH IN YEARS AND NOW I’M BACK TO FORM.

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Just because I genuinely like this game did I dust off my old tools and re-learn my old ways from half a decade ago to help illustrate what’s going on here.

Things like this are just a re-run of my old academia days, praise be the present where I’m a free man.
All knowledge I disseminated, including also this guide, is held to that same standard I held my work to in college and university. Only God knows how many people I helped pass their exams and projects back then.

During the boss fight, you’ll notice the four extravagant golden chandeliers hanging from the ceiling conveniently atop unwitting targets, waiting to fall on them. As the name of the challenge implies, whether they have an enemy under them or not, just shoot them as they spawn.



The chandeliers respawn every time the boss runs away to send his minions after you.

The <missing name> weapon can be accessed through this vent in the room with the two Illuminati test chambers. Be warned that upon entering its room, 6 turrets will activate at once.

• Find the hidden AWP
  
• Retrieve the hidden goated weapon
  
• Eat the car in the sandpit

Eventually you’ll be teleportaled to the memory partition emulating Consumerpocalypse. There will be a door in the room you spawn in that leads to screen static, just enter and go through the broken door in the memeframe “bathroom”.



The road to the last goated weapon is linear, reach its end after some jumping and you’ll arrive at the final goated arena, where the remaining Memelord champions shall duel you for the authority to wield the last of the goated guns

Complete the Consumerpocalypse section, you’ll see this fairly notable hole where you can slide into and find the gun you’re looking for.

ugyuu の投稿を引用：

For anyone struggling with the Sand Car objective, you can keep respawning and take a slowmo effect with you (for example, the Focus pill or the Bong or Retrowave) and as soon as you enter, you have time to rush in and eat the car.

I have just confirmed this tactic to be the most efficient method so far.


The car remains stationary for roughly a second or two before it begins its GMOD Thruster Extravaganza. Keeping the Retrowave effect gives you the perfect timeframe to jump in and show that car the REAL definition of having an omnivore diet.

A round of thanks to ugyuu for contributing this nugget of wisdom!

A new gun has made it into my personal top 10 of unusual firearms for the fact that this one goes full meta.

The video shows you the jumping inputs that have the highest chance of helping you get it.

Prior to version 1.5 of the game, this used to be how the old equation worked:



“Undefined” in mathematic logic is unique. Any single operator from additions, subtractions or multiplications will yield an undefined value regardless of the numbers involved for evident reasons. If you see an “undefined”, that pretty much tells you to disregard what you read and assume the final answer will be undefined.

The second problem you’ll see are the NaNs or “Not a Number”, which are most commonly found in the wild when using a calculator for invalid operations, such as dividing by zero or taking the square root of a negative number in real number contexts. Coincidentally, arithmetic with undefined values, surprise surprise, result in a NaN case.

“NaN” used as variables and the existence of undefined values automatically invalidate whatever arithmetic cacophony is expelled out of the posterior of the problem setter.

I chose to perform an educated guess for this process of elimination and deduce by the nature of this odyssey that the last digits were 69, to which I personally saw no problem by itself. The game featuring unusual algebra felt like part of the joke, but I understand if the devs preferred seeing no "cutting the knot" solutions there.

Know something I missed? Post your knowledge in the comments so I can add it into the guide and you'll get featured here!

Provided an alternative strategy for the completion of the "Rate Truth Land 0 Stars and survive" challenge via tactical respawn.

THE ILLUMINATI ARE BTCH-ASS MOTHERFKERS, THEY PI-
Went through the effort of testing with innumerable explosive munitions to discover only Frag Grenades count for the achievement of unaliving oneself.

Discovered that holding a melee weapon in a parrying stance does not interfere with pondering orbs in the Golden Doobie level, making the objective of not dying at all much easier to accomplish.

Found a much more easier way to eat the car within The Memeframe, no longer having to rely on luck for the blasted thing to be at the right place and time once it starts flying away.

Provided a much faster and efficient method to complete the Bonk Everyone In the Hammer Room task.