If you play online with friends, you'll be familiar with this screen, very familiar. It takes so long, that I decided to make a guide about better ways to spend time, rather than looking at it.

Some go make coffee, some go skiing, some go visit family. We are making carbonara instead!

- A pot with water
-Noodles. The best are Spaghetti or Maccheroni.
-Salt
-Eggs
-Pepper
-Pork jowl
-Pecorino (sheep cheese)

Everything else than that is blasphemy.


-cream
-onion
-garlic
-any kind of herbs or plants
-spieces other than pepper
-oil

Everything else than the few required ingredients is not Carbonara and you are not allowed to call it this way anyway.

Cream doesn't make the Carbonara saucy, but flat and tasteless like your feel to cook.

Garlic and onions do not add some flavour. You ain't gonna make a Ragù.

Guanciale is the ingredient. Ham, Raw ham, sausage, wurstel or any other meat could be not adequate or even offensive.

Oil. what... what you wanna do with oil?... are you supposed to make a salad?

All pasta is fine, some better than the others, just do not overcook it.

You ain't gonna add more spice than pepper. if you want spicy stuff, go eat indian.

Do not cook the eggs. You are not making an omelette.

No Chili, we are not making a mexican recipe.

Do not ever never say "Carbonara" and "Vegan" in the same sentence.

One of the most famous and mistaken dishes from Italy is that.
Why so mistaken? People don't understand how to make it creamy, fail to cook it and often create an abomination.
It's an Italian dish, of course. It is said it was invented during the 2nd World War by Romans using what the americans offered to them, mostly eggs and beacon (long conservation supplies).
Other says that was invented, always using long coservation supplies, by the miners... Also, "Carbone" means "Coal" and "Carbonara" means something similar to "made from coal". Indeed, the pepper was the coal powder that used to fall into the dishes but now we use pepper because is kinda healthier.

Boil and salt the water, enough water for cover the Pasta all the time while it cooks.
----------------------------
"Why shouldn't I put the cold water and pasta together?"
If you put the pasta before the water is bubbling, the final result would be a sticky, gluey pasta, probably overcooked outside and less cooked inside.
----------------------------

In the meantime take a bowl and place ONLY the yellow part of 2 eggs for each person.
You can separate the yellow part from the white part of an egg in many ways. Pick your favourite method and put the white in another bowl. You can use it to make something else.
----------------------------
"Why only the yellow part?"
We ain't gonna make an omelette
----------------------------

Now put some salt and some pepper (at your discretion) with the YELLOW part of the egg.
In the end put some grated cheese. If you are using a sweet cheese, put some more salt.
----------------------------
"What kind of cheese?"
You are supposed to use only "pecorino romano" (sheep cheese from Rome) but I can not pretend it if you live in New Zeland, so adapt with what you have. Another valid sobstitute is "Grana Cheese".
All but only aged cheese! You know is aged if you can't bend it but only break, no matter how thin the cheese slice is.
----------------------------

Put enough cheese and mix all togheter.
----------------------------
"Why is it so dense? I can't mix it"
Put 2 fingers of hot water in a pan and place the mixing bowl on it. After a while, the heat will make the inside creamy and you can mix it.
Don't put the bowl on a flame or on a induction cooker to heat it. You are probably gonna cook the eggs instead.
----------------------------

Prepare the pork jowl, if you didn't bough it already cuted in tiny pieces. You can make it thick, thin, in stripes, in tiny blocks... it's important by the way that you don't overcook it.
----------------------------
"I can't find pork jowl in supermarked"
Ok, use a mix of Lardo, bacon and Pancetta. If you can't find these too, give up please and don't try anything stupid.
----------------------------

Heat a pan, large enough for put the noodles in there later. Don't wait for the pan to be hot, just put your pork in there and cook it at low heat.
----------------------------
"Why low heat?"
the meat is divided in 2 parts: the fat and the flesh.
the fat "melt" at a lower temperature than the flesh to cook.
If you cook it at low heat, the fat would have enough time to melt and the meat would start to "cook" inside it's fat.
----------------------------

Turn off the heat when you see the pork is turning golden and put the pan away.
Now, if you want to make it crispy, just "incline" the pan and let the melted fat group in a side while you push the bacon to the other side and leave it this way for a while.

The Water is now boiling.
Put the noodles. Read how much time is required for the noodles to cook and stir them away 2 minutes earlier. For example, If it says the noodles cooks in 12 minutes, you stir it away afer 10 minutes.
----------------------------
"Why 2 minutes earlier?"
It is a secret we are gonna see later
----------------------------

The pasta is ready.
Take a little cup of boiling water (yes, the same where the pasta has cooked) and stir them.

Now the hard part:
ready?
Don't screw it.

Put the Noodles in the same bowl of your egg mixture. If the bowl isn't large enough, change bowl.
Put 2/3 spoons of fat you gather before. Is gonna give some flavour.
Put a bit of water.
Now mix with 2 forks.
----------------------------
"What is happening?"
The heat and the bit of water with it is continuing to cook the pasta and cooking the eggs as well.
Now, part of the water is being absorbed and part is being disperded with the heat. If you mesured it right, the egg mixture has become very creamy (not liquid tho)
----------------------------

Done. Put your noodles on a dish
Put some crispy bacon on it.
Moore grated cheese at will.
Eat like you never ate before.

Now come back to your PC. If the loading screen is still there, go make yourself a coffee.


This guide has been sponsored by food porn.

To all those who have read.

To all the Italians who will refrain from saying their opinion in the comments.

To all players who fell asleep trying to catch the whale.