"Better Off Dead. By: D E A D

no more tears or insecure senses can ever fade me away from this ratrace
my condition is average boast up what im saying make me forget that the pain is me playing
but it is for real theres nothing ive already felt because ive been so broken by this life
desensitised f*ucked in the mind this feeling never ends sitting in empty rooms tripping looking at phones pretending we care that someones watching
everyday i wake up by finishing bad dreams and then remembering why i wish that i was die blow my brains out dead, its not that i want to im just ♥♥♥♥♥♥ up in the head.
people my friends and family tell me just ignore it when my brain is literally wired to mess with it, ill probably never say sorry but youll be in my head alot
maybe im just retarded, laying on the floor crying wondering why in my mind i see everyone in my life dead or dissapointed
while in the meantime i pretend to give a ♥♥♥♥.
ive been used to selfish manipulators, orchestrators of innocence and fear, blend into crowds then you wont see me there. now i fall around my empty house wondering what i am doing here.
the cat it goes meow and it gives me attention and affection. but that isnt a thing i can have a relationship with. i feel like look old i can see the wrinkles wrapidly age me.
inside my mind i think that everyone hates me and if i were dead and had a funeral noone would know or even relate to me. at least it is better than people pretending to care when they use it as emotional payment to get away with the ♥♥♥♥ they did to me.
for losing a "friend" that they had once in their lifes and decided to drop because he started liking guys but turned out he was bi. but now days i dont really know if i should even consider myself active in anything.
i signed up to college to animate and write but instead drank fifths of henny. it wasnt my fault my car broke down and my doctors put meds on me.
its crazy to think that when one lives with PTSD they would be used to it. but the real reason i left is because i asked for a pencil from the professor but i began to break down and cry because i just couldnt do it.
i feel like a monster all of these things have made me gone insane losing you was another thing, now im in the pit boiling, watching my life pass me by.
wouldnt even know why im so ♥♥♥♥♥♥ up.
come on beat me (come on beat me) medicate me in a padded rom lock the door and keep me. if i ever get my hands on you you will regret those mistakes from you
from breaking a family and taking whats left, i was adopted its all i had left. you are just jealous because i could fake it. be an annoyingly happy prick for no reason and then erase it when i walk back in my door.
my doctor say i am making improvements, but i cant really think that much when im on my medications. and when i notice that i do, i get scared ill move away from you
its just a response of fear that has manifested itsself into a menal hell that mirrors it face every day, it can never go away i cant keep going on like this thinking positivity without any change.
maybe all the self discipline and peace is all just a frame of mind like what all the buddhists said. if that is the case why do i know so much ♥♥♥♥ that people should know by now at my age.
or how id aspiure for change any day instead of waste away. oh i remember its because i cannot think straight be on easy for a month and then a week just gravitate. it mattered once and now it doesnt why does nothing seem to matter
there is no source or cure for this calamity
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