Hello, in this guide I'm going to teach you how to get absolutely rich, exploiting using to your advantage the Steam Market and the bunch of people that buy these shiny pixels.

Yes, you donkey, it has. Not only that, but the game itself is very and VERY entertaining. I can't even get into a match without pissing and ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ myself in laughter, this characteristic makes the game very grindable and not buttocks-breaking grind like Destiny 2 or War (PTSD) Thunder. The item classification are the following:

Common (if you poor you have a bunch of those);

Uncommon (it's rarer but still poor people things);

Rare (it's rare, but, at maximum, 50 cents in the market. Go figure.);

Extraordinary (just a cool word for 'kinda rarer than rare')

Legendary (we're getting to the good stuff, promise).

Yike (good stuff, has more ice than Travis Scott himself)

Shiny (if you get one of those, hit me up. I swear I won't scam you 🤞)

DEV crap (if you get one of those, you're REALLY lucky. There are some examples, like the M I L K cartridge, where it manages to be rarer than the actual rare crap multiplied by 100x, more details below.)

So, now that you know all of this "useless" material, let's get started making some G R A N D S!

(I'm not responsible for any or other violations in law; the following being mentioned;

Homicide and Assault:

First-degree murder
Second-degree murder
Manslaughter
Assault and battery
Property Crimes:

Burglary
Theft
Robbery
Arson
Drug Offenses:

Possession of controlled substances
Drug trafficking
Manufacturing or cultivation of drugs
White-Collar Crimes:

Fraud
Embezzlement
Money laundering
Insider trading
Sexual Offenses:

Sexual assault
Sexual exploitation
Cybercrimes:

Hacking
Identity theft
Cyber fraud
Firearms Offenses:

Unlawful possession of a firearm
Illegal sale or distribution of firearms
Traffic Offenses:

Driving under the influence (DUI)
Reckless driving
Hit and run)

To get items, it's very simple. Too simple to be exact. All you need to do is... s̵̜̕ȩ̵̼̟̀̎̓l̸̦̞̋́̾͑l̶̯̖̩̔̇ ̴̞̣̋͆̀̓y̴̻̗̗͆̈́̽o̷̝̹̔ȕ̷͎̫͚̪ř̸̬͉̾̊ ̶͖̮̅͝͝s̴̃̕͝ͅo̵͙̠̒ữ̵̡̯͍̪l̷͎̝̏ play the game, nothing much. Playing the game will grant you with these bad boys:
Now, you might think "Uhmm, actually, these are loot boxes luck crates designed by a flaw in the system to take advantage of the children that play these stupid video games". And to that, I say " 🤓 ".

Well, it's kinda obvious these are loot boxes, one way or another, but what differs them from the rest is that you can get them for f̴r̴e̶e̷, being something that a lot of people can afford (if you can't afford free stuff, you're in a bad state in life mate).

Now, let's get going;

As I've mentioned before, these crates can be obtained for free, which is good, since you don't have to pay a penny to get rare items (I'm having CSGO flashbacks right now... so many dollars... so many consequences that have followed my life since then, but I think that I'll buy a McLaren tho, my inventory was banned but there's nothing wrong with that. Just a McLaren. Just... a... v̷e̶r̵y̴ ̵f̵a̸s̴t̸ ̸s̶p̴o̵r̴t̴s̵ ̵c̸a̴r̵ ̶t̸h̷a̴t̸ ̴w̷e̸i̶g̷h̸ ̷m̷o̴r̷e̴ ̴t̵h̵a̵n̷ ̶5̵ ̷t̵o̸n̵s̵ ̵g̷o̵i̶n̷g̵ ̸2̸0̸0̷m̸p̴h̵ ̸i̴n̷t̷o̵ ̴a̷ ̶i̸n̶n̴o̶c̸e̶n̷t̸ ̴v̵a̷n̵ ̴f̵i̷l̵l̴e̵d̸ ̶w̶i̷t̵h̴ ̶c̷h̶i̶l̸d̵r̵e̶n̶).

Having these crates, you can begin the... U N B O X I N G (I know 2014 "people" like these videos, I was born today so I dunno).

The harsh reality that you ought to understand before opening these exciting little suckers, are the chances.

Now, remember the categories of items that I've mentioned before? Here are some maths for intelligent people to be weird about it saying something like "Awh, the chance is too low. How can someone even open this knowing that they won't even get anything good?!".

Common – 80%;
Uncommon – 16.5%;
Rare – 2.3%;
Extraordinary – 1%;
Legendary – 0.2%

One important thing to mention is that, besides the item, there's colors to these items too. Example: cool hat (red, green, black (i personally dont like black), white (my favorite color), etc). These colors are VERY important, sometimes even more important than the own item.

One day I was feeling lucky and opened the sht ton of crates that I've grinded over the several weeks (5 weeks to be more precise) and, in the first crate... I've opened this bad boy;
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(closest image I've gotten for the Golden Cowboy Hat).

Well, you've got an info, but what's an info without proof... and to that I say... VOILA
(aproximatelly 6 dollars but who cares, money is money).

There are currently 4 types of L̷̮̘̒o̷̰̘̾̚o̴̪̎t̴̬͈̎͐ ̴̞̃͝B̸̺͈̐ő̷̙̌͜x̷̺͇̾̒e̷̠̬͑͋s̸̞̋̚ Crates in the game;

(literally the name of the crates, they are numbered instead of named);

As you can see, this crate is for tops (or hair for the "normal people"). The game is like this, there are crates for tops, shoes (accesories), glasses (accesories too), and, including, THE CHAD BEARD (accesory):
;
These items are tops for the tops (if that makes sense), hats in other words. Now, you might be thinking: "Who was the mad man that invented this?!", and my reaction is the same. Tops for your hair are so dumb (unless you're bald, but Dwayne Johnson is handsome and he's bald so there's no such thing as hiding your blinding mirror).

Jokes aside, you can do pretty cool stuff with this, get a cool hair and get a cool hat, perfect combination... or is it?

Now THESE are the cool stuff, glasses, C̸̪̪̏̃H̷̨̅A̵̒̒͜D̸̫̹̿ ̵͔́B̷̛̤̤̃Ê̵̗͕̋A̸̰̍̓R̴͇̿D̴̟̜̓͘, masks and....
This crate is the most profitable of all of the crates, the ULTIMATE CRATE! In this crate, you can get not only Shiny, Legendary, Rare items but... THE DANI SPECIAL! (Dani is the creator of Crab Game). No one knows what this item is, because NO ONE GOT IT TILL THIS DAY (I'm not going to change this fact since I'm poor not going to waste any money in this game.

This one is... just shoes. Yeah, nothing much. I mean, if you have a foot kink then it's good stuff, not going to judge anybody (I'm Jeffrey Epstein's friend).

If you've gotten this far into the guide, I've got to say thank you, honestly. It's fun writing this down and imagining people reading it, I'm having a really good time.

Without any delays--

Items ABOVE the RARE rarity (makes sense).

First, don't make the same mistake as me and make a low offer to get the money fast, it never works. Best scenario is you're going to leave the game with $20 dollars in your pocket for an item that costed $100 dollars. Never. NEVER do this. Patience is key, if you don't have it, you're pretty much lost in the Steam Market, not only in Crab Game but in TF2, CSGO, and many other games that utilize this feature.

*Check the price monthly or weekly;
Yes, I know it sucks, but it will pay off. Note that this is only necessary if you have a gut feeling that your item is worth more than it's... well, worth. But don't say "Meh, don't wanna do it", because the same type of people said this and ended up selling 2014 Katowice Holos for 0,14 cents in the Steam Marketplace (for the dummies out there, 2014 Katowice Holo is a CS:GO sticker that, upon it's launch, was worth no more than $0,20 cents, but now you can literally buy a house with two of them in your inventory).

REMEMBER: Patience is the KEY. Worst scenario is you're leaving without an extra $10 dollars, but it's a chance I'm willing to take. I mean, Dragon Lore's were just $400 dollars back in the day (for the dummies, search for CS:GO skins, for Christ's Sake).

*Trust your gut;
This is a VERY important tip, since Casinos || Loot Boxes || Crates require you to have a feeling and a good song playing in the background to give you plenty of luck and make you rich fast without you getting with the Mexican Cartel or selling minors at the Black Market (my recommendation is any song from Michael Jackson, he's the goat).

As the title says, thank you for reading the full guide. It was an absolute blast to write this and had a couple of laughs, I hope that you've had some too.

Just for the record:

I don't know if someone already made a guide like this

I just got the idea and said to myself "Well, this would be cool to do". If someone already made a guide like this, I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to copy your content in any way and I really haven't thought about this possibility until I was halfway through the guide.