Welcome to my useless guide on how to play CS:GO! If you're looking for serious tips, you're in the wrong place, but if you're looking to have a good laugh, keep reading!

1. Pick a ridiculous username: Forget about cool or intimidating usernames. Go for something completely absurd, like "TheFlyingToaster" or "FluffyPeePeePants." Your opponents will be so confused that they won't know what hit them.

2. Buy the most ridiculous weapon skins: Why settle for boring gun skins when you can have skins that are completely over the top? Buy skins that are so bright and flashy that your enemies will be blinded by their radiance.

3. When playing as a terrorist, remember to shout "Allahu Akbar" before planting the bomb. This will give you a psychological advantage and may make the enemy team hesitate before defusing.

4. If you're low on health, try jumping around like a bunny. The enemy team won't be able to hit you and will be too distracted by your cute hopping to focus on the game.

5. If you're on the CT side, try spraying the walls with your weapon to make beautiful art. The enemy team will be so impressed that they may even stop shooting to admire your artwork.

6. Always remember to buy a decoy grenade. You can throw it to distract the enemy team and then sneak up on them with a knife.

7. If you're feeling really adventurous, try using a sniper rifle like a shotgun. Just run around and spray bullets like a wild west cowboy. You may not hit anything, but at least you'll look cool.

8. When playing on Dust 2, try pretending that the CT spawn is a nightclub and start dancing. The enemy team will be so impressed by your sick moves that they'll forget to shoot.

9. Run around like a headless chicken: Forget about tactics and strategy. Just run around the map like a crazy person, shooting anything that moves. Who knows, you might even accidentally kill someone.

10. Finally, always remember to have fun! Even if you're losing, remember that it's just a game and there's always another round to play. So grab a drink, kick back, and enjoy the ride!

So there you have it, folks. Follow these tips, and you'll be the laughing stock of your CS:GO team in no time.