"I am from Alaska and THIS IS TORTURE! The dog has been set down by insidious Inuit ragamuffins, and sent to torment this bairn! HIS TONGUE, MOST PLEASING TO AN ADULT, IS ABLE TO LICK THE FLESH CLEAN OFF A NEWBORN! Run CHILD, save yourself from this beast, who has been wrought upon your cheeks by the carnal machinations of the Inuit tribe! FLEE TO THE HILLS AND DON'T LOOK BACK! I will come for you, and I will protect thee from any more debauched schemes. That is my earnest oath."