Now that the FBI has been thoroughly thrown off my trail, the first step to playing Cruelty Squad is dying. A lot. I don't remember how many times i died during my first attempt to play this game (about 1 hour of my process of acquiring dementia beginning) but i know that it was more than 10. I unlocked the cannibalism "upgrade" in the first level (my skill is measured in single digits) and proceeded to think "this ♥♥♥♥ sucks" and "i like this game but my motor cortex is getting in the way." The muscle memory i had retained from other, lesser games, was destroying my cruelty game.


So naturally,
I had to remove it.
However, due to the unfortunate reality that simply removing my ability to have motor function would be a bad thing i made the executive decision to replace my motor cortex with that of a less fortunate gamer. Which granted me the talent of a person who had played no tactical shooters for longer than 10 minutes.

So unfortunately i had to pay my doctor twice the regular fee due to the extra cost of doing what was essentially 1 and a half surgeries (replacing my motor cortex and removing someone else's) and also for "moral compensation" because he decided to keep my motor cortex for "research purposes" sounded a lot more like a bribe

Anyway now that you've removed all muscle memory possibly including how to drive a car and/or all of your passwords and replaced it with six thousand hours of train simulator gameplay and somebody else"s passwords, i think it's about time we got to gaming.*unless you're a coward and/or cannot afford to hire a brain surgeon to preform to lobotomies and insert one part of a person's brain into another person's brain refer to the next section if so, otherwise you may continue to the third section.

Since you are a foolish coward and/or impoverished person, you cannot or choose not to out of "morality" and "kindness" perform a lobotomy on a person with dubious consent.

Now, (since you are a loser) i will show you how to game well at cruelty squad while still keeping your rating on the autism/basedness scale at High CRINGE and maintain your autism level.

Channel your inner multiplayer fps gamer and do as much strafing and bobbing and aiming as possible.
I bet you play aimtrainers in your free time

They will come back Thomas. You're only delaying the inevitable. Your actions will catch up with you. Is this really living? Always running from them, you will pay for your crimes.

CONTINUING ON
Clearly you are not cultured and obviously not a 100gecs-homosexual(quite cringe imo) and maybe you're even a blonde-blue loving 1930s germany fan(ultra-cringe). So, I'll have to show you how to play this god-sent game the "normal" way because obviously people like you don't want to have fun. So you'll have to Suffer, which brings me to my next point.

As we all know, suffering builds character
(that i blatantly stole from a website after accessing google)
Feel free to skip to the next section if your character is already being built at sufficient speed and you don't need encouragement from any American and fr*nch heroes such as Dan Quayle, Charles de Gaulle, and Marilyn Manson

"I believe in an America where millions of Americans believe in an America that’s the America millions of Americans believe in. That’s the America I love." -Former Governor of Massachusetts, nominee for U.S. President in 2008 and 2012, and junior U.S. Senator, Mitt Romney

"If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure." -Former U.S. Vice President, Dan Quayle

"Politics gives guys so much power that they tend to behave badly around women. And I hope I never get into that." -Former U.S. President, Bill Clinton

"I say no to drugs, but they don't listen." -Singer, songwriter, actor, painter, and writer, Marilyn Manson

"And now, will y’all stand and be recognised." -Former Speaker of the Texas House of Representatives, Gib Lewis(look this one up it's a real knee-slapper)

"If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very low crime rate." -Former mayor of Washington, D.C. Marion Barry

"I think that gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman." -Former Governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger showing support for Homosexuality

"Suffering builds character." -Current nothing, Meeeeeeeee :DD

“Do you feel blame? Are you mad? Uh, do you feel like wolf kabob Roth vantage? Gefrannis booj pooch boo jujube; bear-ramage. Jigiji geeji geeja geeble Google. Begep flagaggle vaggle veditch-waggle bagga?” -Inspiring Musician and Cult Leader, Charles Manson

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." -Former Fr*nch president, Charles de Gaulle on the population demographic of China

"I do not like this word “bomb.” It is not a bomb. It is a device that is exploding." -French ambassador, Jacques le Blanc on nuclear bombs


Pictured here being informed about the second most cringeworthy event of 2001

"I’ve coined new words, like, misunderstanding and Hispanically." -Former U.S. President, George W. Bush

"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." -Former U.S. President, George W. Bush

"Put the ‘off’ button on." -Former U.S. President, George W. Bush

"You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test." -Former U.S. President, George W. Bush

"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." -Former U.S. President, George W. Bush

"They misunderestimated me." -Former U.S. President, George W. Bush

Alright fellow autistic children let's get to gaming

Should be simple enough
If you're too uncultured to know how then go find another guide for it there's probably something on WikiHow

beat the first level in less than 10 minutes because it's easy

beat the second level in a similar amount of time with only 2 deaths at most (my counting skills aren't as good as they used to be)

brag to your friend about how you "got good" at the game and that "the game is really hard" even though all that was hard about it was that i was simply using the wrong brain which had the minimal amount of skill(cringe)

stop playing any video games for the rest of the day because once you stopped playing cruelty squad you saw a trash guide and thought "i can do that too" and then for some reason you did. Why

On to Section 4

Well then my friend it seems that the time of reckoning is upon us. We(I) must complete the ritual, "how?" i may force you to ask. Why it's simple. We can use a very normal and continuous set of Steps/Parts/points to complete.

PART ONE: Acquiring Ingredients
First of all you'll want to put off a few days to be able to do this one. Go to the US-Canadian border (preferably in the wilderness) and find a boundary stone. I recommend you go to a place of high elevation so that you can see where the nearest stone is, just like this image although you can't see any boundary stones in it.

Now that you have reached the Canadian Border, remember to bring a shovel and some kind of pick, an ice pick will do the job fine but a full-on pickaxe would kick the rocks' collective ass. With these tools you must remove the boundary stone and bring it far away to a place where neither governments will find you

Now that your days as a free human being with rights other that the miranda ones have been thoroughly ended, It's time to get to work.

It should be able to get warm enough to melt down the concrete and metal of the boundary stone into a somewhat consistent broth. I used a blast furnace because I'm not a ♥♥♥♥♥ and environment be damned I'm gonna get that ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ boundary stone broth.

Part 4: The Meat for the broth
Now that you have a somewhat consistent boundary stone broth at around 1700 degrees Celsius (superior units), it's time to make that broth into a soup even if it only stays as a soup for a few seconds. You'll want to pour in exactly 3 cordless drills purchased from your any home depot not lowes or anything else, specifically home depot cordless drills, don't put the chargers in we can save those for later use.

The compasses
CAREFULLY submerge one of your compasses facing eastward in the broth and hold it there until it melts. Once the compass melts, repeat the process three more times with the rest of your compasses.

six: nice one jackass now that you have turned 4 compasses into goop for the broth you can start pouring in a
• 25 litres of loam (♥♥♥♥ cubic feet) it should mix well, i didn't have too much of a problem although i must say the home depot loam is very dirty, i don't recommend it, you're better off going to Lowes for this one.

Now that you've poured in and stirred your loam for 5 minutes it's time for the real magic. Get your SLPR Decorative Wooden Storage Chest - Set of 2 | Wood Trunk Suitcase with Straps (Beige) | Antique Nesting Trunks, which you purchased from your corporate overlords at amazon and GENTLY(I wrapped the three documents in a pride flag to achieve this effect(throughout my many exploits this action seemed to have increased the product quality greatly)) place your copies of the British North America Acts of 1867(Canadian), The Constitution Act of 1982(Canadian), and the US Constitution of whenever the ♥♥♥♥(not Canadian) into the suitcases.

Now that your suitcase is sufficiently free and capitalist, place it in the larger case. After that i need you to hastily, and I mean HASTILY, NAIL Carl Marx's Communist Manifesto to the outside of the trunks(the more desperate and clumsy you are the more pleased the spirits will be(i have found no other way to achieve this effect)

Step 8.5
Now that you have ingredients it's time to test your knowledge, what's that? you dont know the ritual? okay sperg have fun in pergatory. So you'll want to pour your 1700 degree Celsius boundary broth into a cast iron pan cast(The exact shape of the pan does not seem to matter) and then let it cool for half an hour to two hours(holding a hair dryer on cold setting speeds up the cooling process considerable).

Step 9: Casted
Congratulation you ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ mong. you made a perfectly good broth into a terrible cast iron pan made out of concrete, steel, iron, brass, wood, and probably plastic because chances are you're a cheap bastard and you cant invest in brass compasses even for a guaranteed profit. I hope the plastic fumes shorten your lifespan considerably... Is what i would say if you didn't just make the perfect weapon against the forces of evil including, but not limited to: The FBI, the CIA, the NSA, MI6, Satan, Nyarlathotep and many more.

In no particular order because ♥♥♥♥ you:

Nyarlathotep: The Crawling Chaos[lovecraft.fandom.com]

Huitzilopochtli - God of War and Sun[www.twinkl.ca]

Communist manifesto

Canadian constitution

US Constitution - From memory

Cast Iron Pan Making: Years of Experience

Oven Temperature[bagofconcrete.com]

Blast furnac[en.wikipedia.org]

Knowledge on evil beings: years of expirience

The trunks[www.amazon.com]

Home Depot(terrible dirt)

Lowe's(untested dirt(better by default))

Wisdom: knowledge

I forgot the erst of my sources probably

It's gaming time 2, like the first gaming, but "better" and more convoluted

Now that you have the necessary tools you can properly deprive your body of the "required" sleep that is needed to properly complete our ritual. Depending on your age you may only need to limit your sleep to around 5-6 hours but i recommend 1 and half or three hours(it lessens that groggy morning feeling although in later stages the amount of time you sleep stops mattering and your body begins attempting to shut down any chance it gets. First, I will inform you of the stages of sleep deprivation. Then we will continue.

you stayed up until like 6 and woke up at 9 or 7:30 or something (i recommend going to sleep and waking up in the PM because the idea that a hardened criminal like you goes to sleep at 6pm is laughable, so anyway, law enforcement usually expects you to be sleeping during the early hours of the morning(or during the hours that this method would allow you to(however if you have sufficiently evaded law enforcement there is no need to find a specific time))) again depending on age you may or may not be completely exhausted on the first day. You'll probably be fine the second day.

Over the past 2 or 3 days you have been properly persevering without the recommended amount of daily sleep

Now that your body has been proberly prepared for the ultimate family guy funny moment it's time to put that forging skill to the test.

• place your Cast Boundary Broth Pan on the stove.
  
• turn the stove to 500 degrees celsius
  
• lets get cookin
  
• place one stick of butter into the pan like this:
• how cool, now that the butter is melting, it's very important that we handle a full printed copy of Mein Kamf ripped from the internet because there's no way i'm giving hitler my hard-earned money. You'll want to fold the pages a bit so that it fits better and then you'll want to pop it in the oven and light it on fire. The aroma of nationalist cringe should nicely smoke your Cast Boundary Broth Pan Butter with the flavor of Josef Stalin's Greasy balls.
  
• Now that your butter has been prepared and most likely boiled already it's time to lower the heat to around 300 degrees farenhight and acquire a live chichen. The size doesn't really matter although it will affect the amount of food you get
  
• Now that you have your pet chicken in hand, I want you to decapitate it with any tool you have that may be capable.
  
• place the raw unfeathered chicken head to the side of the stove as a trophy and place the body in the Cast Boundary Broth Pan and recite the full tragic story of the two lovers, Adolf Dripler and Broseph Stalin, the story goes like this
  
• On the day of June 1st 1984 the famed pickup artist Broseph Stalin accidentally tripped and fell into the soft but strong arms of his Lover and significantly less famous Warhammer 40k larper youtuber Adolf Dripler who was wearing a very nice sleeveless supreme puffer jacket and according to police reports, accidentally impaled him 60,532 times with a 10 inch knife he had concealed within his addidas brand tracksuit over the course of 30 days from June 1st to June 30th which inspired the award winning story 1984 by gen z legend Josh Orwell Pictured here: with hair

And that's why Pride month takes place from June 1st to June 30th every year since the year 1984
Now then, your chicken should be about finished so pop it in the microwave for a half hour and we're done. Remember to bring the pan with you

Now you'll need to place the chicken(the head is not necessary at this point) in a plastic bag acquired from your nearest Target. With the chicken now bagged we must drive to the nearest In-n-Out Burger fast food restaurant you must order the Double Super Ass Blast Dumb Heck Shot Premiere Deluxe Burger. When they say no, pull out the box of Crayola crayons you've had stashed in your jacket this whole time and start eating them. Don't say anything, just stare at the employee and bite down on the Crayola crayon. Continue ingesting Crayola crayons until the employee tells you that they are making you your burger. This step doesn't have anything to do with the rest of the ritual, It's just a really easy way to get a free burger but it's a little hard to do it repeatedly at locations you've already been to.

Step 7: Acquire a cauldron
You can find these at your local witch or Hot Topic store just ask them if they have any "in the back" they always do and it has a $20 price tag but they never bring them out unless someone specifically requests "the cauldron in the back".

Now that you have gathered all the necessary ingredients, including, The Cast Boundary Stone Pan, Chicken, Crayola Crayons, Cauldron, Water, and Evaporated Butter or even that free burger you got if you're feeling generous, It's time for the real real fun to start.

Place everything needed to start a fire ie. paper/dry leaves, small wood, and big wood. Do not start the fire yet.

Set up the Cauldron above the readied fire fuel.

Place your chicken at the bottom of the Cauldron. Make sure it's stood upright for maximum flavor. I recommend putting it in the Pan although it isn't exactly necessary for the Soup to be properly made. If you choose not to put the chicken in the pan you still have to put the pan in the cauldron.

Place exactly 5 Crayola Crayons inside the throat of the chicken. The crayons should not be used to the point of having to unwrap or peel back the paper.

Carefully and slowly pour 20 gallons of water into the cauldron so as to not knock over the chicken.

(Optional) Pour in the evaporated butter and/or Double Super Ass Blast Dumb Heck Shot Premiere Deluxe Burger that you acquired from In-n-Out Burger. It should be noted that the same results can also be achieved with a normal cheeseburger from In-n-Out Burger, however the knowledge that the Double Super Ass Blast Dumb Heck Shot Premiere Deluxe Burger is in the soup seems to improve the flavor greatly.

Pour out one more glass of water for yourself before you end the ritual(vastly improves soup quality overall).

Light the fire underneath the cauldron and climb into it yourself. Don't hesitate too long after lighting the fire as this could improperly heat the ingredients and ruin the soup.

Let it boil for 20 minutes.

Once the soup is done cooking, climb out of the cauldron, take off all of your clothes, and do a backflip. This action properly ends the ritual and allows that optimal soup taste we were looking for.
You may put on your clothes or a new set of clothes after completing the backflip.

Enjoy your soup:). I recommend eating it with the largest ladle you can find/can hold

Feel free to skip this section I'm only informing the plebians of the truth here

"John F. Kennedy, the 35th president of the United States, was assassinated on Friday, November 22, 1963, at 12:30 p.m. CST in Dallas, Texas, while riding in a presidential motorcade through Dealey Plaza. Kennedy was in the vehicle with his wife Jacqueline, Texas Governor John Connally, and Connally's wife Nellie when he was fatally shot from the nearby Texas School Book Depository by Lee Harvey Oswald"

This is a quote from a Wikipedia article detailing the untimely death of John F. Kennedy. The conspiracy theories section of this page lumps up the true Source of the Assassination alongside the idiotic ideas that the assassination was perpetrated my the mafia or the FBI as if there was any evidence of those lies.

The CIA assassinated JFK and the evidence is overwhelming. 6 shots were fired and only 3 were shot by Lee Harvey Oswald. The rest of the shots came from a completely different direction and the gunfire was caught on tape from a second film which "went missing" in CIA storage. The two drivers of the motorcade which JFK was riding in hunched over and hid their heads to protect themselves from the gunfire and slowed the vehicle to a leisurely 7 mph.

George W. Bush yes this one, was amongst the people in charge of making sure that the president didn't die that day and seemingly decided with the other people responsible to ignore the many vantage points that had good angles on John F. Kennedy and was later promoted to Director of the CIA

Thank you for coming to my Theodore talk and remember kids everything i just said is entirely satirical and if at all fact checked would definitely fall apart quickly:

The JFK Cronicles - common sense and the hit game JFK Reloaded along with other sources

Ritual information - Ancient knowledge

In-n-Out Burger - I made it up

Butter image - my own photoshop skill

Josh Orwell image - my own photoshop skill

George bush image - blatant theft of a blatant theft

misinformation image - blatant theft of unknown origin

Keybinds - skill, years of experience

Now to get into the nitty gritty this section of the guide will teach you how to play Cruelty Squad on Steam and also works for other games although you'll have to replace every mention of Cruelty Squad with the name of the other game you are playing.

Save up the money required and press the add to cart button. Once on the cart screen, press the "Purchase for myself option" and insert the necessary information and buy the game.
I'd say it's easy enough that i don't have to go too in depth (the new motor cortex i have apparently doesn't retain the muscle memory of buying a game on steam).

Oh, and if you see this message:
Just ignore it, Gabe New-Wall is attempting to hinder your CEO mindset so that he may remain the superior CEO

Once you've made your purchase, go to the Library section of steam using the big ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ LIBRARY button at the top of your window.
Once you're in your Library, go find Cruelty Squad. Once you find Cruelty Squad.

Now press the large blue "download button" on the steam library game page and begin downloading the game (you'll want to make sure you have at least one gig of free space on your computer before you install the game).
Now press the "Next" button after selecting the proper destination for the install.
Then, on the new window that opens from steam you should press the "Finish Download/Finish Install" button. This will finish the game downloading process.
It is very important that you press this button because if you do not, the download will freeze at 100% and eventually Gabe New-Wall himself will bluescreen your computer and you will lose all of the femboy vore erotic fiction that you were writing in Windows Word Pad and forgot to save for over 3 hours.

Now that you've finished downloading the game, please press the "Launch" game button.
If you do not press this button Cruelty Squad will unfortunately not start (unless you go to its file and manually open the exe in File Explorer like so


Cruelty Squad's visuals and menus can seem rather unconventional or even beautiful, but that's okay you'll get used to it, just embrace the superior goopcore aesthetic and move on. First press the "options" button and go to the inputs section.

you'll want to replace these buttons one by one and pay close attention to what input you are clicking on because pressing the wrong button could completely throw off your Cruelty Game(TM) (I know from experience).

First of all, who the ♥♥♥♥ uses w s a d?
Replace the wasd with Q=forward W=backward O=left P=right in that exact order because you are no basic ♥♥♥♥♥.
Then, replace the looking buttons with
Look up= i
Look right= l
Look left= j
Look down= m
If you are too unskilled to change your look input, then cope I'm not going to tell you how. If you are, then good, now for the fire button.
Fire= k
After that we'll want to move the leaning buttons to \ and = because leaning is for ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
Now move your use button to E because it isn't taken up by the worst mechanic to ever plague tactical shooter games anymore.
Now move the jump button to X
Move the crouch button to Z
If there are any more buttons please let me know in the comments and i will never read them, die.

Now that your keybinds have been properly arranged it's time to style on all of those dumb ♥♥♥♥♥ that populate the incredibly realistic world of Cruelty Squad. The key is to ignore as many guards as you can get away with before having to fight back. Charge straight for the targets and kill them as fast as you can. Your only limit is how fast you set your turning speed with those controls i just gave you.
Anyway, it's time. Now exit out of the "Options" menu and press the "Start" button.


Now ignore everything in front of you and look at the boxes on the left side of the screen. of those boxes, you should press the one that is the farthest down, the farthest to the right.

Now you are gaming.

Kill them all, civilian casualties are unnecessary but not frowned upon. You even get some organs for the low low price of a few bullets. sell these organs on the stock market and gain profit. I recommend going to r/wallstreetbets and asking them for advice in your Cruelty Squad Gambling Game(TM), it will not get you banned and absolutely no moderators complained of my questions about Cruelty Squad Stock as opposed to Gamestop stock (i don't know i'm not a redditor).

It's finally over, after many days of hard work and multiple weeks in between, the most perfect work of modern literature since a catcher in the rye(never read it) has been complete.

big Shout out to my good friend and guide re-reviewer suggestion maker and highlighter Your Lizard Overlord™ ® © for gracing me with its presence and guiding my mangled and burn scar covered hand through this terrible experience after I had written 99% of the guide.

Hopefully this guide helped you game properly in Cruelty Squad. Also, i recommend listening to the Cruelty Squad Official Sound Track while you read this guide. Good luck playing Cruelty Squad and you are welcome for the Chicken Soup. Please go away now. And remember


Don't forget to bush your teeth, and remove your neural implants before engaging in psychedelic recreational activities. ♥♥♥♥ off immediately

I haven't even finished playing the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ game.