The first thing to understand is that you are always blameless! Now, I am quite the handsome bloke, and quite a few people are bound to recognize me! If they summon me anyways.. well, they can hardly blame me for what happens after that, can they?

Now, if you really want to immerse yourself in the magic that is being me, you're going to want to look the part! My shiny, trustworthy black leather armor can be bought from that scoundrel, Gilligan. A halberd will suffice for the weapon, and the Twin Dragons tower shield from that shy little fellow in Majula will be sufficient for equipment. That gentleman Pate also has a very nice spear that I've had my eye on for a while, keh heh heh heh...

As for the face - if you think you can handle working with such a dangerously handsome fellow, I have the rare advantage of being both distinguished in appearance and also easy enough to imitate! No eyebrows, no hair, no style, no problem!

Now that you look the part, it's time to have some jolly fun-times with other Undead in Drangleic! Get your hands on a White Sign Soapstone from that fellow Pate, or else use the Small White Sign Soapstone in Cardinal Tower, and go and 'assist' some other Undead!

The first rule of bringing the joy of Patches to other people: screw over the host.

It's his own fault for summoning such a dangerously charming bloke, and he can't complain! There are many ways that you can do this - my personal favorite? Luring them into the paths of ballistae with items, and then blowing the greedy bludgers away! If that doesn't work, you can always use your trusty Halberd, Fire Arrows or Firebombs to detonate those little black barrel bundles of fun you can find!

There are also several other notable areas across Drangleic where you can find it particularly easy to mess with your victi-ahem, host! The Iron Keep, for instance, with its' lever lowering a bridge into the lava. Ahhh, the memories! Brings a tear to my eye. Or maybe it's boiled Undead!

Another way you can turn a profit and turn a tombstone is misdirection and giving people terrible, terrible information! Point them towards wee beasties they don't know about and let them make a new friend! Open up a door leading to a fire pit for them so they can warm their aching bones! It's grotesque!

Finally, invading is another surefire way of bringing some light into an Undead's life! One simple rule here, lads: act friendly. If you can spare it, drop them an item or two to gain their trust! And then when the stupid bastard turns his back, stab him in the liver and slice his guts out for garters. Hours of fun, or your money back, in slightly reduced form!

Most importantly... ALWAYS make sure those dirty, stinking Cleric bastards get what they deserve!

That's all there is to know, lads! Now, get out there and make me proud! Remember to fight without a shield - those things are so clunky, and they weigh you down something awful! Keh heh heh heh heh...