The number one step in surviving the perilous terrain and adversaries of this world, is to mentally hone your senses before venturing out into the depths. You are a bestial soldier, as fierce as the tiger, as swift as the roe, you must remain undaunted against the Saesneg foe. Furthermore, whenever a peculiarity is sighted, it is necessary that you retreat several steps and observe the ambiguous and oft dangerous threat from a distance. Wherever you slinker, be prudent and skirt away from the local shrubbery, for a treacherous beast lingers from within. The gleaming points of scattered heroine needles, laying discarded against the pavement are not ‘power ups’ and contrary to academics assurances, will not bestow upon yee abilities that exceed a mortal’s comprehension. At best, by jabbing yourself with these dubious daggers of virological doom, you will contract Lycanthropy or a more potent, pain wracking disease. Remember the age-old proverb, “The only ally in this dangerous realm is yourself, EVERYTHING ELSE, INCLUDING THE SCARAB BEETLES, WANT TO BUTCHER YOU MERCILESSLY AND FEAST UPON YOUR FLESH” – Socrates.

Here’s a friendly token of advice traveller, if you ever envision an unsupervised child, away from any witnesses or parental figures, then drag him away into the trees and snap his neck. KILL HIM AND FEAST ON HIS INNARDS FOR KHORNE, BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!

Here is my personal tale, an awe inspiring journey where I engaged in an scouting expedition into the unknown world. My destination was simple, I would reach the children’s park and use the chin up bar to increase my strength and become Hercules. On my journey, I traversed cracked pavements, observed juveniles plastering incomprehensible graffiti onto a green shed, cawed at frightened elderly passer-by’s and most significantly, intimidated the local wildlife, who I have cleverly ascertained wish to kill me and spill my innards over the pavement, in homage to their malignant amphibious deities. Despite the predicaments and stray rocks that were hurled my way, I survived and live on to tell my story.

This is a cruel, desolate world, one that operates under the age old tradition of survival of the fittest. Our overlords, the various politicians and CEO’s of this world, that swim in pools of molten gold and dine on fine Russian caviar, have implemented a sinister game for us, their distinguished and exotic pets. They wish to weed out the weak and ensure that in this society, only the most robust are able to persevere. In doing so, the lily livered weaklings are sanctioned away from the bucks. The chosen brawny figures will then be placed into nuclear Amazon warehouses, where they will work tirelessly, from noon till dawn, in exchange for titbits, a paltry wage and the honour of being personally flogged by Jeff Bezos and his bloody knout. In essence by ensuring that the strong thrive, Jeff Bezos is able to screen potential Amazon employees and maximise profits. Why this bald, gaudy man wishes to covet even more wealth and trinkets we shall never know.



Before venturing out into the deep ravines, I set myself before the mirror upon the wall and began to dress in a respectable attire, so as not to incur the ire of locals and passer-by’s alike. Firstly, I made certain to don myself with a casual, albeit elegant aesthetic, of short pants and a short sleeve shirt, equip with a jacket. I also made certain to wear shades, that complimented my buzzcut and ensured that the winds gale would not lash at my eyeballs. The image below, featuring several fine young gentlemen is an apt way to dress when travelling out into the wild depths.


See how they all carry water bottles to avoid the ailing effects of dehydration? If that isn’t a sign of prudence, then it’s an enigma as to what is.


After I combed my hair and practiced shadowboxing a printed photograph of Angele Merkel, I then decided it was time to pluck up my courage and journey to the nearby children’s park. From the very moment that I opened those crimson gates and travelled 50 meters from my abode I was beset with peril. Winged, insidious apparitions that I read about only in legend, flocked about my entity. Their insidious eyes and gnawing beaks gleamed from the trees. THEY WERE BIRDS, BIRDS I SAY and they were filled to the brim with murderous intent.



They were everywhere, everywhere I tell you! Raining down gusts of wind to blur my eyes and produce a hazy miasma that would hinder my perception. Soon, my vision was besmirched, and vague, ambiguous figures began to morph from the shadows before my eyes. The birds who once unerringly kept their gaze upon my walking form, had their faces contorted into that of a beady eyed WABBITS. All around me was I surrounded by the daemonic silhouettes of Hello Kitty figurines and cutesy rabbits, all baying for blood. I soon walked away briskly, to escape their baleful gaze and soon set myself upon the rambunctious party path. It was there that I heard a ba doomp ba doomp, BA DOOMP. Is that dubstep reverberating throughout my ears, OR IS IT INSTEAD THE POUNDING HOOVES OF THE HOOFED LEGION OF MINOTAURS, SEEKING TO COLLECT THEIR BOUNTY FOR MY HEAD?


Look men, HE’S BEHND ME! I distinctly recall his polo sweatshirt and walking cane out of the corner of my eyes. After witnessing this ambiguous threat, I kept a furtive glance behind me, crossed the road and continued on my journey, I WOULD NOT BE DETERRED ON MY WAY TO THE CHILDRENS PARK, I WILL DO MY CHIN UPS.



DO NOT TRUST THESE BOXES, THEY ARE FILLED WITH REMNANTS OF BONE AND CARCASSES FROM THE UNLUCKY SOTS WHO WERE ABDUCTED AND SLAUGHTERED BY THE CREATURES OF THE NIGHT.

Despite my rattled nerves, I continued, determined to accomplish my goal. My mind, oft serene and calm, was now plunged into a daze, I heard women screeching their anguished melody, tradies playing to the tune of domestic violence and all the while, my mouth was set in a grimace. On every encounter a car and its skeletal pawns drove by, I responded with a snarl, set on intimidating the bony horde. Those skeletons think they’re top of the hierarchy do they, WAIT UNTIL I CURBSTOMP THEIR KING! FACE THE CURB YOU DECREPIT, BONY MOORLAND SOPS!

And who could forget the incessant wailing of the local curlews? Every step I took, I was plagued with another brass squeak emanating from the tree lines, these winged abominations were chortling at my inability to apprehend and subsequently wrangle their fragile necks. I then encountered an epiphany. These birds were being remotely controlled and utilised as cost effective surveillance cameras, employed by the government to spy on us, THE EDUCATED MASSES! Well, I would not have it, so I quickly responded to their snide tones in birdlike jargon and hurled several rocks at their fluffy faces and with a hearty huff, continued on my journey to the children’s park.



Caw caw, I am relaying your activities to the local authorities



Do you feel it? That’s the scent of an ominous ambiance in the air. Any sane man would retreat indoors, for fear of being bludgeoned and deprived of their senses, but I tallied on. Bravery is a family trait, one that my forefathers proved when they ran against artillery and gunfire on the plains of Gallipoli. The family mantle holds twenty severed Turkish heads, as evidence of our courage, audacious demeanour and prowess on the battlefield. IF I AM TO BE JUMPED BY SEVERAL MONGRELS WITH BATS, I SHALL TEAR OFF THEIR SKULLS AND BREAK THEIR LEGS, SUCH IS THE WILL OF CHRIST OUR LORD!



Be wary lads, these illiterate scrawling's insinuate that a meth addict is afoot. Perhaps the crazed soothsayer will be able to reveal our fortunes, or most likely he will saunter after us, serrated fork in hand, hurling obscenities and debris, whilst threatening to drink from our skulls.

Finally, after my long trek, I had located the children’s park. But to my exasperation I was plagued with another challenge, A FATHER AND HIS CHILDREN HAD PERMEATED THEIR PRESENCE WITHIN MY SACRED SHIRE. The father was fishing, seeking to pluck up the fishes and scorch their skin. Whilst this was occurring, his two offspring had occupied the chin up bar and were gatekeeping the revered equipment from all passer-by’s. These children had received word from the local birds that I was approaching, warning them in advance and allowing them to set up a defensive permitter. Seeing that any attempt at sieging their position was folly, I sulkily retreated back from whence I came, anticipating that many perils laid in wait.

WHAT IS THAT I HEAR? It is either a frog or a cricket, which is impossible, unless the two species converged and subsequently mated, concocting a hybrid abomination, a being capable of simultaneously releasing the shrill piercing wail of both a cricket and frog. But how would such a debauched insult on natures realm function exactly? For isn’t a frog the predator of the lowly cricket, feasting upon the insects winged appendages as per the hierarchal food chains guiding whim? BAH, a mosquito, remote controlled by a malignant deity, has attempted to Banzai charge the underside of my cheek. QUICKLY, I MUST RETREAT, MY VENTURING INTO THE OUTSIDE REALM HAS GONE DOUR, FOR NOW I AM SUBJECT TO THE ASSAULT OF KAMIKAZI MOSQUITOS, THE IRE OF STRANGERS WHO GLANCE SKEPITCALLY AT ME FOR BRUSHING THE FLOWERS AND ACORNS AND MOST SIGNIFICANTLY, THE INCESSANT CHIRPING OF THE CARLEWS, SILENCE WINGED BEASTS, OR I SHALL RETURN THE VERY NEXT DAY TO BLOWTORCH YOUR NESTS! Now traveller, would you be so kind as to compensate my entity for a scouting mission well accomplished? That was treacherous work venturing into the outside world, and as such I request 40 Penningars for my report and not a coin less!

To summarise my personal tale, the outside world if rife with charlatans, homicidal vagrants, dive bombing Magpies and more. In order to expel the riff raff, you must keep your wits sharp and your nerves steady. Personally, in my voyages to the outside realm, I frequently employ the aid of conscripts to clear the way and patrol the perimeter. These conscripts do not have to be trained, why it isn’t even necessary that they are human. All they require is a fierce resolve and fighting spirit.


Observe, two duckling Varangians surveying the area and ensuring that the path is devoid of all dangers.

The final tactic, that I have refrained from mentioning so far is to utilise the assistance of a feline. A ravenous, clawed furry beast, that will not hesitate to gnaw on the bones of a bird. They are the alpha predator, the top of the food chain, ever perceptive and watchful. I present to you ladies and gentleman, Captain Meowsies.


“Meow meow meow, I am the eradicator of all winged species. Observe in awe at my slender and graceful figure, look how I nibble at the thistles and píss on your carpet, I am here and ready to serve.”

May the winds be at your back and your children dressed in Elf attire traveller, Godspeed.

For battle prepared in their country's just cause,
Their king to avenge and support all his laws;
As fierce as a tiger, as swift as the roe,
The British Light Infantry rush on their foe.

Though rebels unnumber'd oppose their career,
Their hearts are undaunted; they're strangers to fear;
No obstacles hinder; resistless they go,
And death and destruction attend every blow.

'Cross the deep-gullied vale, up the mountain's steep side,
Through the rough foaming river's impetuous tide,
O'er the fortified redoubt, close wedged in array,
Regardless of safety they follow their prey.

The alarm of the drum and the cannon's loud roar;
The musket's quick flash, but inflames them the more.
No dangers appal, for they fear no control,
But glory and conquest inspires every soul.

Whenever their foe stands arrang'd in their sight,
With ardor impatient they pant for the fight;
Rout, havoc, confusion they spread through the field,
And rebellion and treason are forcèd to yield.