First and foremost, prepare yourself for the stunning horde mode fps tactical buddy cop squad based dying simulator that is Tactical Intervention (or known as TI to the esoteric group of people that doesn't exist!)

You came home after a swealtering day of work, toiling away at logging onto Steam, when you remembered you installed that strange spiritual successor to Counter Strike, "Tactical Intervention." You could have spent your afternoon listening to Machinae Supremacy, or Pet Shop Boys, or even cramming your mouth with refried beans... yet you went where angels fear to tread instead...






... Now, now... I know what you're thinking.

You're probably asking yourself,
whwererrr is thte DAPER FBGU mann?!
WtF? how'd i play tactikal interVENTion GOOD!??
why don't i alwaysu get dogoS!?!
how i do get out of carz!!!
i bought stuff wit real moneydollars...

...where ARE THEY?!

Calm down first. Breathe.
Flare your nostrils rapidly to increase oxygen flow.
Prepare yourself for the ultimate survival guide in this terrible, stereotypically racist world of Tactical Intervention.

Originally posted by Boki:

"How can I even get good?"

Seriously, don't be Energy. (Who writes this garbage?)

When entering any given Mission Mode map, select the squad that has everybody on it, as you recieve magical accuracy bonuses for clumping your asses together in an unsightly fashion.

In order to give the order to stick together to your team mates, bash Q + E to let them know, "Hey, I care about you, man." This is a good tactic for male bonding.

If you see a Shopping Trolley in Flash Metro, or even Shopping Mall, kick the living bejeesus out of it, since you look like an absolute punk when you connect someone's precious face with American Values.

Cooperation with your squad, is the single most important aspect of tactical gameplay. Communicate with team mates using your preferred language, and especially not theirs, to spot out enemy troops as well as shifty movements.

Upon spawning in any map, mash '4' to see if you have a Rambo or Demoman.
Don't use the slingshot method with Rappeling, unless you enjoy your ass turning into an elongated hamburger patty composed of various dead meats.

Don't be like us. Just don't. That's painful.
Just watch from a safe distance.

Oh yeah, and don't ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ pick Castella . That is by far the worst map in the entire ♥♥♥♥♥♥' game.

Be prepared for occasional glass penetration kills as well. Don't be Shrek.

Alright, people.

Listen.

If you have the reaction time of a ♥♥♥♥♥♥' rotten peanut - don't drive.
If your hands have been surgically replaced with moist, yet cold hot dogs - don't drive.
If you happen to be blind - how the ♥♥♥♥ did you manage to install this game and please leave.

Contrary to popular belief, driving backwards at the start of a match is not a good strategy. At all. Don't do it.
You should also avoid speeding ahead of your VIP car if you're an escort. That is the complete opposite of what you should do. Honestly, what the hell do you think "escort" means.
You should also shoot. Just ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ unload on any enemy car you see. That is all you really need to do, apart from not swerving off the road and eating ♥♥♥♥.
If you're making sharp turns, use your handbrake. ♥♥♥♥'s a lifesaver. Don't slam on it like this is one of your hentai mangas. Give it a tap or two. Love taps, baby. Unlock the doors to true driving mastery.

If you hear a clicking noise after running over a green crate - press 4. You may or may not have an extremely powerful explosive weapon that will pretty much secure your victory should you use it correctly. If you don't use it correctly, then ♥♥♥♥ you.

Also, if you drive your VIP far enough to the point where you're prompted to escort the VIP to the extraction zone on foot, you can actually just stick him in a car and speed off. If you run out the timer, you'll win because who the ♥♥♥♥ knows. This is a good strategy if you're massively outnumbered because your teammates have the driving skills of a cockroach with carpal tunnel and severe arm spasms.

Hold T to heal. You have a bar beneath your health bar that indicates how much healing you can dish out. This refills by collecting green crates or picking up ammo boxes from dead players.

Hold T.
Hold T.
HOLD T.

TEAM DEATHMATCH.

A STAPLE OF THE FIRST-PERSON SHOOTER GENRE.

When it comes to TDM in TI, you've gotta be fast. Don't ♥♥♥♥♥♥' peek around corners and pop a squat at every given chance, crawling around with your ass cheeks kissin' the linoleum. Go straight-up Sonic R in this ♥♥♥♥♥. You'll get the jump on those ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ who think that Tactical Intervention involves being tactical in any way, shape or form.

More often than not, TDM servers will have some sort of modifier enabled. Usually it's either shotguns only or pistols only. There is the occasional knives only. If it's knives only, leave immediately. You're too good for that.

When it comes to shotguns, you can't go wrong. Except if you choose the Turkov. Get outta here with that. The Bekas has some nice knockback ability, so if you don't one-shot someone, you can still stun them. The FP6 has some good range and damage, but has little room for error up close. The M4 Star is the best and turns upper torsos into exploding cans of Manwich.

When it comes to pistols, there's a few good choices. The MR96 recoils like a child soldier firing an AK-47 for the first time but deals a ♥♥♥♥ ton of damage if you manage to hit. The XD-45 is surprisingly accurate, and is also fully automatic. So that's badass. The Sphinx is accurate, but does ♥♥♥♥ all in terms of damage. Go for the 1911 instead, but beware of it's ♥♥♥♥ fire rate.

Once you rack up some kills, whip out the MG4 or the grenade launcher and laugh maniacally while the wee babes screech "HACKER HOW U USE OTHER GUNS" from the hilltops.

and the DSA I guess I dunno whatever man. get an AK if you want. super v is dope tho

In this game, you can throw money into the digital cybervoid known as "the Internet" in order to recieve goods, physical and digital alike. For some reason, people want these goods.

Skins.

In Tactical Intervention.

All of the Counter-Terrorists skins (Tacticool Luchadores) make you look like some 13 year old kid at an airsoft match who thinks he's hot ♥♥♥♥ like the Ghosts in the video games on the Xboxes and whatnot, so nobody buys those.

The Terrorists get a bunch of variations on the jacket/jeans/ski mask outfit. The darker jackets tend to confuse Counter-Terrorists because, at a glance, you look similar to them. Most Terrorist players have the horribly bright red/tan standard outfit, so seeing a dark-colored Terrorist can throw some players off.

For some reason, some people choose to buy skins in Tactical Intervention. For some other reason, people buy the arctic Terrorist skins. There is pretty much zero use for an arctic skin, since there isn't even a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ Arctic map.You should launch a grenade down the necks of anyone sporting this skin.

For your health, as well as ours.

So after reading this incredibly helpful and in-depth guide of the most advanced combat tactics usable by human beings, you should be ready to conquer the wonderful world of Tactical Intervention.

As a quick refresher, let's give you a quick refresher.

• DON'T be energy.
  
• NO CASTELLA.
  
• HOLD T.
  
• STOP.
  
• SUPER V.
  
• SKINS.

Thank you for reading.

Cui bono.

Directed by Skiller (Kehoedude)
Written by Skiller (Kehoedude)
Produced by Neil Tennant (xXspliffmaster69Xx)
Co-Produced by Icy (Doctor Fetus)
Images Courtesy of Icy (Doctor Fetus)

The Icy Launch™ is a trademark of Skiller & Co.
Special Thanks to Minh "Gooseman" Le for having nothing to do with this.
Even Entanma Project gets a special thanks, for the picture of Boki. Sorry Boki.
Send all complaints here.