During my reign of terror upon the high seas, I have witnessed many an abhorrent sight. Crews,
bearing a homosexual flag, fleeing at the mere sight of my ship, afraid to be cleansed of their degeneracy, through the baptism of my neighbours thieved garden hose. Sailors, in a vain attempt to safeguard their useless, insignificant trinkets, desiring to smuggle their ships into coves, while they themselves reside in ominous, decrepit caves, attempting to weather out the storm and deprive themselves of any form of remote enjoyment within this barren game. I have even witnessed players quivering, over the sheer rumination of losing their virtual chests to another’s ransacking deeds. Furthermore, what I find most ludicrous, is witnessing players concocting guides about how to elude hostile ships, with some of the tips encouraging newcomers to disconnect entirely, if a rival ship bearing animosity is sighted. I am utterly incredulous by these womanly reactions. What has occurred to the glory era, when men would fight knee deep in mud, with a dagger at each others throats? What has occurred to the days of chivalry and pride, when our elders would not allow a single slight to go unchallenged? Why, it is utterly nonsensical, I implore all Nords to arise, do not allow this cowardness, perpetuated by the lower castes to sully your senses so.

A surefire method to acquire the testosterone that will prompt a fight or flight reaction, is to consume raw meat. While scavenging the seas, sharks, skeletons to gnaw upon or snakes are all prime opportunities in acquiring fresh meat, however, these methods are relatively difficult, insinuating that a more simplistic method must be acquired. Allow me to present a source of sustenance, that is in bountiful supply, throughout the Serbian coasts of Sea Of Thieves, human meat. Naturally, this food source insinuates humans of course. Nothing instils a predatory urge within an individual than cannibalism and that is why consuming your fellow man is essential in the endeavour to reacquire one’s ability to wreak havoc upon the high seas. To cook a human is relatively simplistic. Lure a pirate onto your ship, with the false promise of allyship, only to then knock them unconscious and store them inside the brig. Once securely fastened inside the makeshift cage, simply light an incendiary grenade and set them alight. Note, in order to tenderise the meat and ensure that the succulent treat is ready for consumption, shrapnel grenades may be required.

Every man arrives to a point where they become imbued with complacency, or sinister thoughts that infiltrate their mind, seeking to expunge all forms of altruism within. Frequently, this occurs during youth and is perpetuated by an adolescent reading and subsequently becoming enraptured by Beast Quest or Percy Jackson. An example of an insidious psychological ailment, caused by these two literary pieces, is the reader developing fantasies of adhering to a polytheistic religion, one that has laid decayed and decrepit for millennia. The only cure to an ailment of this capacity, is for the individual to reach an epiphany, or to be cleansed in the eternal flames. It is imperative that prior to hunting other players you must set yourself alight, with the use of self concocted Molotov’s and carene around the island, whilst proclaiming praise to the eternal flame. Become cleansed and rebirth from the ashes of flame. Once you have been reborn in flame, only then will you become apt at eradicating the dregs of society from the barren depths of Sea Of Thieves.

The seas are ripe with many a fishman. Often these ambiguous, amphibian creatures bear aliases such as, ‘Terrycruncher40” or the famed, “Mightyconjurer80”. If it hasn’t become overtly conspicuous, the fishmen that I am referring to are the non sentient players of Sea Of Thieves, players who don fish scales and converse through a garbled tongue. To reiterate, these are aquatic apparitions, bearing humanoid forms, albeit are easily distinguished by various inhumane characteristics, related to vocals and facial structure. These variations of players likely originate from Xbox and are witnessed in immense proclivity across the seas. Furthermore, due to their distorted appearance, alongside their simultaneously deprived and delusional state of mind, they often bear malignance and animosity to the norm. As such, when encountering one of these players, it is essential to place them under captivity within the brig and coerce them into undergoing permanent indentured servitude, which insinuates them singing serene melodies, that are traditional folk carols in their fishman tongue. By persuading these peculiar specimens to sing for their benevolent captors, they will be undergoing a type of rehabilitation process, one that will ensure they become compatible with the Sea Of Thieves society. Furthermore, they will inevitably be committing an act of charity, as their traditional folk melodies will be capable in whipping an audience into a battle hardened frenzy, one that will ensure its adversaries immediate capitulation and subsequent subjugation.

Seek out archaic manuscripts, from the vast plains of Serbian academia, particularly detailing matters of sorcery and immolation. Upon opening up the obscured, secretly revered scrolls, specifically glean the knowledge related to the arcane lore of pyromancy, developing skills that will imbue yee within the eternal flames. It is a stringent process, discerning those who are adept at pyromancy, with strenuous training being imperative to harnessing the volatile flames. The most effective method of training, is to utilise chamber pots and incendiary grenades, batting the grenades to targets, preferably alive, in an attempt to simultaneously improve cognitive awareness and the ability to control the flames into a cohesive, potent entity. Whilst the ability of pyromancy will inevitably be exploited in the use of chemical warfare, primarily against opposing ships, fret not, for the Geneva Convention is not a tangible entity within the Serbian seas, implying that any unscrupulous actions will not invoke universal distaste from NASA, Wales or other various influential realms.

“Join the BARD GUARDS” alongside, “We are the BARD GUARDS and have come to offer our services” is often bellowed across the high seas. Upon this proclamation, a palpable feeling of dread emerges throughout many a ship, for it is revealed that the Mormons of the sea have arrived, ready to force the inept at sword point into accepting ‘assistance’, in return for ‘compensation’, likely in the form of prepubescent children. For all who are unaware, the Bard Guards are a group of glorified bodyguard minstrels, who place themselves upon a glittering, embellished pedestal. They have toiled away for years, apprenticing as bodyguards for primary schools, zealously fending off many a school bully, that wishes to promote a sense of natural selection, within the youthful academic sphere. These guards attempt to protect the ingrates of Sea Of Thieves, those unable to fend off those who patrol the coastline, attempting to envision a worthy opponent. These Bard Guards condone the epitome of cowardliness and as such, must be incessantly hunted for their crimes against heroism. These utter fiends must be burnt atop a brazier, while their fellow compatriots observe. After this distinctive lesson has been taught, only then will those who wish to promote cravenly attributes subside from their ludicrous mission.

Traversing throughout the high seas and marauding the vulnerable denizens of the high seas is psychologically taxing and utterly sequestering work. This indicates that in order to retain one’s sanity, a friend who will maroon and boisterously bellow shanties throughout the seas is imperative. In essence, a captive is required to ensure that an auspicious ambience is maintained. The most effective way of acquiring a temporary jester, is by exploring the slave market, locating a worthy thrall, with the talents necessary to be employed as a joyful captive, obliged to toil away for his captives demands. Fortunately, in an abstract fashion, the entire high seas are an immense market for potential captives, with various ships bearing boatload’s of potential ‘allies’ to ‘recruit'. In order to acquire a pet captive, simply sight a ship, demolish their mast, set their ship aflame and then courteously aim some form of weaponry against the now defenceless merchant, coercing them into becoming a newfound member of your magnanimous and illustrious crew. The benefits that this new crew member can procure are virtually indefinite, they can engage in entertaining games such as, shooting a shake basket off the quivering captives head or waterboarding the abducted merchant, until he agrees to consummate with a salmon. Why the opportunities are virtually endless and provide a significant, lucrative benefit I the form of morale, as the captives jolly antics, will inevitably alleviate the crew’s morale, altering the sombre ambience, into one of auspicious and jubilant cheer.

Before a man trudges off to naval conflict, it is imperative that his lustful urges are sated. The most convenient method to acquire a harlot is through fishing for morsels, particularly a humanoid mermaid. When such a mermaid is a caught, the peculiar aquatic creature must be pollinated, in order to fulfil one’s intimate desires.

Reminiscence upon my words, for they will allow one to elude many a hardship. Treasure is inherently a useless commodity, one that’s value is solely manipulated by the current day market. In essence, the idea of traditional treasure, in the form of gold bears no genuine significance. It is unable to procure an army of thralls, unable to summon a concubine, who will cater to the whims of it’s owner and in essence is entirely susceptible to the whims of the modern day market. Any value it possess, has been prescribed by another world renowned economic body, thus causing it to become devoid of value. In regards to Sea Of Thieves, the idea of gold is even less significant, as it’s sole purpose is to acquire attire, that appears to be emulating Barbie doll sets, alongside Disneyworld merchandise, reminiscent of the movie Frozen.

We, as denizens of the sea, must abide by the sacred, archaic creed of BLM. Whenever a dormant naval vessel is sighted, issue them not quarter, extend no mercy and ravage the countryside, until your hunger for sinking merchants has been sated. To reiterate, adhere to the wise and profound proverb of BLM, Burn, Loot, Murder.

Bear witness, to the melody that is frequently sung in chorus by the bloodthirsty pirates, who reside throughout the mess halls. Allow the music to resonate throughout your internal being, harness the distinct power of the tune and imbue it within you, to become a courageous Sea Of Thieves denizen.

May Duna grant yee strength.

Help me! Someone do something! Something has to be done
Please help my boy if you can
Look, old woman
If your boy wants to learn how to be a man, we'll teach him!
You're here to become a true man (Whatever)
Here to dance like a true man (What?)
Care to dance like a true man? (You serious?)
And turn boys into true mans
We turn boys into true mans (Wow, really?)
We are men, manly men (Wow!)
We are men, manly men (Wow!)
We are men, manly men (Oh, wow!)
We are men, manly, manly, manly, manly men
Men
Men
The helicopter
The helicopter
Helicopter
Motivate that helicopter
Gravitate that helicopter
Got to learn it quick, grasshopper
And you'll make it flow like water
And you'll make it flow
Make-make it flow
Like some manly, manly, manly, manly men
Manly, manly men

Let us ensure that courage and valour is instilled within Sea Of Thieves once more.