So you're probably thinking to yourself 'I don't suck! I'm a level ? in faceit! I was a (mm rank somewhere between silver 3 and global)! What the hell does this random know about me?!?!'. Well, while that logic isn't necessarily incorrect - I'm sure you're a very decorated and practiced CS player - the lack of obvious flaws doesn't mean they don't exist. Furthermore, while you might believe triumphing over whatever sliver of the playerbase is beneath your rank is an achievement, please take a moment to consider the playerbase itself. Is it really an achievement to triumph over a motley crew of russians and 5-year-old squeakers? If so, you may rejoin your brethren, huddling in the shadows of true greatness.

If you're still reading, you've doubtless realized that your perceived greatness is nothing but a mirage. To stand a step above fools does not necessarily mark you as their better. To stand at the pinnacle of the ladder of humanity, you will not only need to surpass these huddled masses, crowded on the lowest rung. You must surpass the true kings, such as myself, grasping at the sky, miles beyond the dregs so far beneath.

Currently you are a dreg. No matter how you view your standing, this is an irrefutable, undeniable fact.

This is because you naively assume that CS is a game about skill, talent, and practice. This is, regrettably, incorrect. CS is a mind game. It sorts the wheat from the chaff, the hunter from the prey. I've included an illustrative screenshot beneath from my personal quest for greatness. It shows my guesstimation of your skill, imagine yourself in place of the illustrious 'Kaid'dub', and the comparatively unattainable skill of myself, the legendary hero, He-Who-Meddles. However, with my guidance, one day, you too will be able to reach this zenith of humanity.



I am uniquely qualified to speak on the subject as I have the highest IQ possible: a score of 100. A perfect score. Now before you start bowing and scraping before my incandescent genius, allow me to explain. You too, can attain such a state of mental acuity, but only through severe practice. Personally, I reached such heights by attending Trump University. Unfortunately, this glorious venue has closed as of 2010, before the opportunity for advanced CS players to ascend was even available. Fortunately for you, I have options.

But, before we go into that, I want you to write a short note, or even just think a short note. What do you want to say to yourself when you inevitably become a shining success. A glimmering city on a hill. Write it. Because one day, you will be that glowing ideal for all others to strive for. Having read this much of the guide, even if you stop now, you will still be miles above virtually any player you will ever encounter. Truly, you begin to take your first steps amongst the stars.

Ideally, as an alternative to the prestigious Trump University, we'd have you attend other, lesser alternatives. Perhaps... Harvard or a Community College, even a lesser school like that ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥, Yale, would be a possibility. Unfortunately, if you're reading this guide, you probably suck so much that none of those are options. If either Harvard or Yale is a legitimate option for you, pursue that at all costs and neglect the rest of this guide, except the congratulatory segment at the bottom after your inevitable success.

OK. Fine. So you couldn't get into Yale. Embarrassing, I know, but neither could I, and oh god did I try. Still, I'm clearly a success since I'm writing this guide. Don't doubt my greatness you greasy corn-fed simpleton.

That's alright. We can still enroll you in an anime-esque magical girl school in Japan. Maybe not. Still, definitely something to consider if you happen to be the only member of your gender/species/sexuality capable of using some mystical power. Otherwise, we're going to have to settle for conventional training.

Now one of the first things you'll realize is that the average CS player can be compared to the CS bots generously at the level of easy bots. In the interest of honesty, most players are closer to peaceful bots. Now unfortunately, triumphing, even over great challenges such as the AimBotz bots isn't the kind of glory we're hoping for. We want to defeat the greatest humanity has to offer (in CS). And we can't meet that playing normal mm. We're more likely to run into some throwers, laggers, and get an interesting bit of insight into the lives and origin stories of the saltiest, angriest teenages to ever exist.

No. We need to go where either true GODS or... their dark counterparts, the soyboy hackers dwell. Now, since you suck, you can't queue with me and my squad of elite god-tier commandos. And since Stewie probably doesn't want to play with you either, you're in a bit of a pickle. Looks like you're going to have to resort to joining the HvH servers.

But... 'WAIT!!!!!' you say. 'I'm not hacking! How will playing against blatant hackers help me?!?'. Well. Firstly, it will build character getting your butt kicked every 5 seconds. This is an important characteristic to have. But secondly, it will show you that there is always a bigger fish. Don't give in to the temptation to download hackies yourself. That is a beta move, bro. No. You're going to have to transcend hackies and become such a legendary character that you can have a positive K/D playing against blatant hackers. This can be accomplished in a multitude of distinct ways. Playing like you have ADHD and spraying frantically with a P90 is the only one of them that is true inadvisable and repugnant. This will only lower you deeper into the festering pit you already live in.

While the actual process of destroying hackers might initially appear insurmountable, the common hacker is actually far more vulnerable than the average player. As they are (generally) immune to the blinding effects of flashes and smokes, they don't bother listening for grenade sounds and quite often completely ignore the presence of HE and molotovs even if they are directly struck by these grenades. Furthermore, since they can see through walls, they become overreliant on sight, much like actual humans have become. They will quite often never turn around even if you are b-hopping behind them.

Simply learning map timings is going to be incredibly useful here. There's a helpful timer at the top of the screen. Learn when certain angles are routinely peeked, and just prefire at set times. This works more often than you will think. Prefire also when you hear the telltale b-hopping nearing you. You will not win in a fair 1v1. Do not let it be fair.

As you gradually become accustomed to dying randomly while not even peeking angles, you will slowly learn the spots from whence hackers hide away. Now for the important part, you actually can never directly peek a hacker. However, by moving indicating you will peek an angle, you can bait out a shot from the hacker, predicting your further movement with their wallhacks and intending to kill you when you do peek. Instead, you stop on a dime, bait out their sniper shot, and then continue moving, matching the angle of their shot, and either kill them or miss with a single tap before diving back into hiding. If you miss, since you're probably just naked with a deagle, you should be buying an incendiary and a HE grenade every round. Just nade the ♥♥♥♥ out of them. Gradually, over hours of effort, you'll slowly realize you can actual win, exploit their flaws, and triumph. Much like a dark souls boss, although ostensibly invincible and unassailable, after a few failures, openings soon present themselves. Take advantage of these flaws, and the hubris of experienced hackers, and take them out.

Like Saitama, the One Punch Man, you will have to max out your finger tensile strength in order to maximize your gaming potential and reaction speed. In other words, you'll have to train like hell until your hair falls out. That's the only way to become truly strong.

Here is my training regimen. Follow it to the letter. In the beginning, you'll wish you were dead, but, you have to continue the regimen. Ascend. Become legend.

ONE HUNDRED LEFT CLICKS
ONE HUNDRED RIGHT CLICKS
THEN, CLIMB OUT OF YOUR BASEMENT WHERE YOU LIVE AND LOOK INTO THE DAYLIGHT FOR AT LEAST 5 SECONDS

DO IT EVERY SINGLE DAY

If you follow this very strict and rigorous training regimen long enough, you will achieve ultimate power, possibly at the cost of your hair. Either way, it will aid in your path to excellence.

Ah. So you've finally reached the apogee of your current skill? You've gone bald? You can routinely go positive against hackers? Excellent. Now, you have finally arrived. It's time for the true high-IQ plays. Now, it's time to get ESEA and prepare to be recruited in your first month of play.

Perhaps not.

So, now that your individual skill is approaching its zenith, it's time to notice something you've likely forgotten about in your odyssey with the hackermens. Teammates. Yeah. While before, they were likely accomplished hackers in their own right, and often useful, or at least, good distractions, now they are entirely useless. They will only ever get a kill in extreme conditions. Expect nothing. Unfortunately, carrying your team and playing together are strategies doomed to failure. Don't do this. Instead, you will intentionally bait your teammates for easy kills. Flash them if necessary. Ensure your own survival at all costs. If you have to molly off 2 teammates, or use a teammate to bodyblock a grenade for you, do it with no hesitation. If you die, your team will indubitably lose the round. Therefore, your life is worth infinitely more than your teammates.

At this point, you should be capable of winning a 3v1 at least 50% of the time. A 2v1 should be almost a certain victory. You should be slaughtering men in the droves when you even bother to buy a real gun. Unlike the hackers you played against before, you can actually bother spraying at your targets now. This should make it infinitely easier to defeat the beta hordes. Mow them down like wheat before the reaper.


Remember, it never troubles the wolf how many the sheep may be. It should never trouble you how many your opponents number, slaughter them all the same.

Even if you appear to have met the rare teammate that is worth a damn, this is likely merely an illusion, and they are just as useless as the rest. If this is not true, there are only 3 options.
1. They are a hacker. Like the hordes of hackers you slew in the HvH servers, they are mere scum.
2. They are a legitimate pro player. Don't simp for them and instead criticize their every mistake. You are far better because you read this guide.
3. They also read this guide. Acknowledge your brother, forged in the same fiery hacker-filled hells that you were born in. They are a true king, worthy of your respect and admiration. For emerging untainted from those hellish lands, their metal has been beaten into a steel blade worth of fighting alongside.

Although you are now better than everyone else to ever play this game, you have to take care not to rub it in their faces too too much. YES, they suck. YES, they are useless. YES, they are infinitely worse than you. But you must bite back your disgust at their very existence in playing this game. They have not had the advantages you have enjoyed. They have never read this guide. They have never learned the Art of the Deal secondhand from a Trump University graduate.

You must realize that although they suck, they haven't been pushed to their very limits like you have. Greet their failure with sympathy and humor rather than plain disgust at their pathetic efforts. Perhaps recommend them this guide, teach them the ascending way. Maybe one day, you will achieve wonders together. Doubtful, I know, but remember that you once considered yourself to 'not suck' when in reality you did very much 'suck'.

Now though, you have to deal with the terrible issues of not sucking. Your arrogance and pride have reached beyond human limitations. Your reaction speed has been honed beyond even the fastest quantum computer. Your IQ has likely increased to a nigh-perfect, if not perfect score. Although it pains me to say this, while conducting research on training methods and writing this guide, one of my students surpassed even my own astronomically high IQ score. Shocking, I know. They received a 102. That's right. A perfect score and 2 bonus points for their ineffable ascended nature. Perhaps you too have achieved such greatness. Congratulations, just remember you owe it all to me, you ungrateful upstart brat.

Now, to deal with your crippling superiority complex and overconfidence, you're going to have to plead with people to insult you. While the average player will simp for you and adore your skill and talent, you need to plead with them to instead sully your good name verbally to the best of their abilities. Hopefully, their skill honed through thousands of hours of trash talk in team chat will allow them a measure of success in this field. Over time, your ego might return to normal inhuman levels as opposed to your current god compex.

While it is true that the closest thing the average CS player will ever see to a god is you, that doesn't mean you have to shove it in their faces. More just gently present it, or, preferably, don't mention it at all. While you are no doubt Gaben's gift to the world, keep it to yourself if possible. Gaben will reward you by allowing you to unbox countless knives worth thousands of dollars for your admirable self-restraint.

Good work soldier. Its been a long and lonely road. Its been fraught with harrowing danger and adversity, but, phoenix-like, you have risen from the ashes of your destruction even higher than before. Like a modern-day Odysseus, you have arrived home after an indescribably long journey, a venerated hero, but battered by your long years at war. You have officially transcended the human limits of a CS player. Like me, you are a higher being.

Unfortunately, this has come at a steep cost. You have lost your humanity, your soul, your physique, and likely most of your friends. Was it worth it? What if there was a different way.... Could anything be worth such a price?

♥♥♥♥ yes it could. Donald Trump himself endorses you soldier. Gaben shows his pride in you. The invincible incarnation of glory himself, me, approves. You are a god among mere mortals. The evening bell tolls endlessly, the staccato of AK-47 fire as you mow down your enemies mercilessly. You have achieved something equal in station to graduating the prestigious Trump University. Take pride in your actions and rub it in everyone's faces. They deserved it.

Now, I want you to pick up that note you wrote for yourself. I want you to read it. You will never need to dream of how great you will be in the future. You are already the greatest version of yourself. No daydream or idle fantasy could ever imagine your incandescent power and majesty.

Congratulations. You won.


You're welcome.

-rep, toxic