First off, if you're reading this, then you probably know that you're already screwed. Hard.

With that out of the way, welcome to the 'Detail. We're a clusterf*** of shmucks that didn't have much else in the way of employment choices. The bar's pretty low, truth be told; as long as you clear the floor and don't eat the fleshier trash, you can consider yourself part of our happy little union. We'll make sure you're not brutalized in the main office or fired for the normal peoples' stupidity, but you're on your own otherwise.

Hey, don't look too hopeless now. You're reading this, so at least you'll have some idea of what you're gonna have to do here. Sucks to be you if you can't read, though.

Alright, so you've been assigned your outfit, your room (which is probably trashed), and a handful of fancy gadgets and holsters for them. After accepting how you've lost control of your life, you'll probably take a good look at the holster and think what we've all thought at least once.

What. The f***.

Yeah, that holster is six different circles of hell to figure out at first. Just know that the one thick bit is a cup, so don't get it too close to your face. Lucky for us, though, corporate actually had the forethought to number the latches, so let's start slapping things on there.

The 1 holster is for your squid-mop. That guy's gonna see a lot of use in its life, absorbing pretty much any liquid you can think of (and even some you'd rather not.) Keep it clean, or you'll just be painting the room varying shades of disgusting.

The 2 holster is for some spare gloves. Don't wanna be picking up [left click] all that gross with your bare hands.

Holster 3 is for that weird thing that looks kind of like a d***. It's called a sniffer, and it's supposed to detect trash, gore, blood, and everything else that Corporate wants gone. The left switch is for liquids, while the right switch leads you to solids. It's kind of buggy, but it can be useful in a pinch.

Holster 4 can hold both brooms or shovels, but it's made of cheap leather, so if you leave on break, your tool's gonna go missing. Figuring out what you'll do with this spare tool is your problem, though.

Holster 5 is for your tablet. This little sucker will remind you of your assignment, but you can switch over to a digital notepad. Track your trash, note how that alien looks like a walking turd, we don't care. Just remember to delete your notes after you clock off so the big guys up top don't get ticked.

Join the club, pal - everyone starts this job with a mostly used office space. At least you get a computer and whatever snacks the last sap left behind. Nobody wants to live in a trash heap, though, so here's a quote from "V1ral" that'll kick you off.

"...yeah, last a**hole left a mess for me, too. From what I've seen, though, there's a trash chute in one of the side rooms you'll be 'graced' with. Of course, the d*** from earlier locked the door, but it was an easy guess. Just punch numbers in until the screen goes grey for a second - yeah, don't blink - and move onto the next until you're dumping crap down to the unknown.."

Corporate's generous enough to give you a big banger boombox, but you'll probably want to decorate some more. Nothing expensive, though - someone'll try to steal it. Luckily, though, you can take your nifty little janitor's trunk with you on the job, and nobody really looks in there on checkout. Just don't be collecting body parts like that sicko, Bob.

Suprise, your assignments are all awful! Usually you'll be sent to the main station, where it's cramped, dark, and bloody from the slew of chaotic murder scenes that happen almost routinely. If you're lucky, you'll be shipped to a more open area to dispose of their "incident", or maybe you'll ride out to one of the closer planetoids. Expect to see these sectors on your job description:

• Athena's Wrath
  
• Caduceus
  
• Core Sample
  
• Cryogenesis
  
• Evil Science
  
• Frostbite
  
• Gravity Drive
  
• Hydroponic Hell
  
• Incubation Emergency
  
• Overgrowth
  
• Paintenance Tunnels
  
• Pestilent Penitentiary
  
• Revolutionary Robotics
  
• Rust-Station East
  
• Section 8
  
• Splatter Station
  
• Unearthly Excavation
  
• Unrefinery
  
• Uprinsing
  
• Waste Disposal
  
• Zero-G Therapy

Some people get sent to Earth (or a likeness of it) for their assignments, but most of us agree that they paid Corporate so that they could have an easier, safer job. There are four jobs available that you'll have to pay to deal with:

• House of Horrors
  
• Santa's Rampage
  
• Shadow Warrior
  
• The Vulcan Affair

You're on the job, but good luck finding any actual supplies on-site. Corporate actually knows this struggle, so they've plopped down two bulky dispensors; the purple one gives buckets, and the green one gives bins. Sometimes you'll even get an incinerator to burn any trash and giblets laying around, but don't be suprised if you have to get creative.

The bucket dispensor (Slosh-O-Matic) is pretty easy to use. Just press any button and hope that your bucket is clean enough to use. Hell, most even have a bucket premade on arrival! It's a piece of s***, though, so don't be suprised if it plops down some poor f*****'s limbs. The buckets themselves don't hold much, so if it gets all disgusting on the outside, then you should probably get a new one.

The bin dispensor (What-A-Load) is even easier to use. Just give it a firm whack, and it'll magic up a biohazard bin to toss some crap in. It'll drop some guts out on the odd occasion, but nobody really cares; you can just toss 'em in the next bin you get, after all. The bins are pretty flimsy, though, and flip over way easier than they have any right to.

The only thing you have to worry about with the incinerator is whether or not you left the d*** thing open; either a moron leaps in the thing, or the guys get high off the fumes, go nuts, and start a cult.

On occasion, the site will have a vending machine. The crap it gives depends on the site, but don't hesitate to b**** about the ads that'll print out of the things - that's what cable is for, d*****!

You'll probably need a little bit of help to reach some crap, but this was a lost cause before. Lucky us, after enough complaints, Corporate decided to buy us some lifts. These J-HARM devices are pretty shoddy, though; they'll lock up often, and sometimes even launch you like a springboard. These things are why you always wear your d*** helmet.

Laser Welders are usually laying around on-site, since they're pretty good repair tools. Shame they never really bother to train us on these, because they're needed to buff out any bullet holes. Rule of thumb is to not let the nozzle turn too red-hot, or else you'll just burn the walls and leave a bigger hole in the wall.

Solar flares can be vended out, or you can find them laying around. Some janitors decided a while back that they could burn paper trash in a bin using a flare, so that's why you'll see some janitors bring roastable food to the job.

• A few showoffs decided that we should be able to stack three buckets inside one another to bring them all to one place. It's tricky to not spill them all, but it can save you some time.
  
  
• Some psychopath decided that acid would be a better way to remove graffiti than mopping it up. Turns out that psychopath was right.

So you cleaned all the viscera, puke, and other random s*** laying around. Good job being a janitor, but you forgot to be the stacker, mechanic, gardener, and local a**-wiper, so have fun with that demotion.

Yeah, this job sucks.

Basic things that go along with your actual job consists of stacking barrels & crates, refilling medpacks, and filling out corporate paperwork. These don't actually need to be done, but it'll save you from a good chunk of abuse if you do. Sometimes, you'll find special tasks that look like these, but are actually required, so let's go down the list.

Supply crates and barrels have painted squares on the ground with the name of what you're stacking on them. Usually they're orange or yellow, but sometimes you'll get specialized green or blue. Just worry about the special crap, because those are the only real important ones.

Medpacks are gotten from vending stations, so if you see an iVend, you'll probably need to restock those. Just plop 'em into the station upright and they should magnet themselves in place.

You'll probably be doing someone else's job while you're on yours, too. Pulling weeds from the Hydrophonic sector, replacing robotic turrets, burying wormholes - all your problem. And for the love of God, remember to turn gravity on, or we'll all get f***** over for it!

Nobody wants to do this part - seriously, nobody - but you'll probably get suckered into it eventually. At the very least, you can shove the PIDs (Personal Identification Devices) into the clock-out device for minimum credit. If you want to kiss Corporate's a**, though, here's a rundown.

You'll have checkboxes for what the h*** happened before you got there, first and foremost. Just mark down whatever you can guess; aliens, guns, murder, you'll see some s***.

Checkboxes for how well you think you did. Just pick a random thing and go.

Text fields are almost always bulls***able, but the one for Union at the bottom is reserved for complaining about Corporate. It's supposed to be checked for any blackmailable things, but we always say that they didn't have anything written in, so have fun with that.

The whackjobs at corporate want you to track exactly how many things you dispose of, how many bullets you found, how many aliens were there, and how many holes you buffed out. Really, just guess a high-ish number; 100-250 is a nice range for incinerated crap, and about 80 or so bullets with maybe half of that for bullet holes. With aliens, just count their corpses.

PID's have death reports, too, but you already get credit just for ramming the chips into the machine. You can keep going through, though, so let's go over that too, you try-hard.

Checkboxes for how they died. Most of it's self-explanitory, but there are some tricks:

• Murdered is for human-caused death. Almost everything else is Slain.
  
• If it looks like someone put the corpse there on purpose, it's probably Ritualized.
  
• Just because you don't have all the pieces doesn't mean it's not applicable. No head, it's still a decapitation. Nothing but guts and blood, though? That's liquified.
  
• There's almost always more than one box for each sap, so you can still click random stuff and get a little bit right.

The rest is bulls***able. How you treated the corpse, all the text fields, just write something random and call it a day.

Welp, since none of us were paid nearly enough for this, we'll leave off here. You want to add to this, leave it in the union reports and we'll get back to you once someone gives enough of a f*** to read any of the suggestions.

Until then, have fun with this crapshoot of a job, and hopefully you'll get a few bucks more than us.