>The following recipe yields 4 Thicc pizzas or 6 Thin crust pizzas.
>Any similarities with any other recipes are coincidental, this recipe is in the public domain and I own no copyrights to it.
>This recipe is not to be followed like the gospel, it can be subject to any changes, and you can follow it however you wish.
>I am not responsible for setting fire to your kitchen, your dog ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ on the carpet or your girlfriend leaving you.
>Batteries not included

First up, lets create the dough which we will need to create the pizza bread or base.

Step 1: Acquire the following items > Lots of flour like 18 cups, olive oil, oregano, pepper, salt, sugar, yeast, milk(not the hentai kind), unfertilized eggs, clean warm water, a mixing bowl and a smol bowl.

Step 2: Wash your hands you filthy peasant, I know where those hands have been

Step 3: Now pile the flour into the mixing bowl kind of like a flour mountain, I said mountain. Good, now make smol well in the middle so it looks similar to the craters on Gwyneth Paltrow's chest. Now drop the egg, 1.5 to 3 teaspoon of salt, oregano (some sprinkle), pepper (some sprinkle), drizzle some olive oil into the well and then set it aside. Why'd you drop it on the floor dumbass, I said into the well. Anyways, after the recovery, take the smol bowl add about 1 cup milk(not the scouts one either) and add around 1-2 tablespoon of sugar, mix it well and then add around 1.5-3 teaspoons of yeast. Now if the yeast you have is the instant mix type in sachets you can directly add it into the mixing bowl as well. Let the mixture set aside for a few minutes and now back to the mixing bowl.

Step 4: Now slowly add in some water to the well and let it flow out, I SAID SLOWLY, ok good. Now its been a few minutes add in the yeasted up milk and stir all the stuff together. Now what we're looking for here is a very soft and squishy consistency but not so sticky that the whole dough clings to whatever it comes into contact with, so add water as needed, also if you added too much water (I did tell you slowly) just dust some extra flour on top to even it out (sucks to be a white girl at this point). If you happened to be an unpopular butt nugget like me, you might start to like all that kneading (just dont get too many ideas).

Step 5: After getting that consistency and fully satisfying your unfulfilled needs, oil up the dough nicely and properly to lubricate it (i said dont get any ideas). This is to help it not cling to everything it touches while proofing. Cover the bowl with a foil very tightly making sure its pretty much airtight and let it rest for 2 hours before using it (dough can stay good upto 2 days after prep).

Not the kind of sauce you typically ask for on internet forums or NSFW meme pages.

Now the typical pizza we know often has a neat layer of tomato sauce on the pizza bread and then we add in the toppings.

Step 1: Aqcuire tomatos (around 1 kg or 2 pounds in r.e.t.a.r.t.e.d measurements), salt, pepper, oregano, onions (3 or 4 small to medium pieces ), olive oil, chillis, garlic, red food colour (optional), blender or food processor.

Step 2: Wash hands you filthy maggot, why do I have to keep reminding you?

Step 4: Wash the veggies that need washing and chop them up into small cubes, set aside.

Step 3: You dumbass, why don't you focus when you read? This is the third step. Prepare your food processor. Since you messed it up, we might as well continue. Add around a quarter or less of the chopped veggies and some responsible amount of olive oil and let it rip (might require some water to help mix it up). Repeat until you've used up the veggies. Now dunk the veggie smoothie into a bowl, what I didn't tell you about getting a bowl? Well clearly I should've written down to acquire a brain too since I have to type down each and everything, my mistake, I didn't realise you had Common Sense Deficiency. Now add in salt, pepper and oregano to taste, dont be afraid to gulp a spoonful, its just uncooked ketchup.

Step 5: Get your saucepan out, put it on the stove on medium heat and dunk in all your tomato onion juice. This will take a while, just let it slowly simmer and stir occasionally, if it bubbles too much just turn down the heat. What we want is a thick consistency like ketchup but a bit runnier. If you prefer your sauce to look a bit more red, add in the food colour so it looks like you got it from store..... or you know you get the sauce from the store like the lazy bum you are.

Now after the proofing your dough is now ready to be flattened and made into a pizza base. Thats it all done. What elaboration? K fine.

Step 1: Dust your surface on which you plan to roll your dough with some flour, do the same with the plate or container you plan to keep your uncooked base on. Also dust your hands while at it (after washing your hands of course you filthy mudblood)

Step 2: Now grab some dough like its your long lost girlfriend, and now this process is a bit of a trial and error, take a handful of dough and then dust it before flattening. If you feel the base is too thin add some more dough and if too thicc, remove some.

Step 3: Ready a pan big enough for the pizza base and put it on low heat on the stove. After it is up to temperature get ready with your uncooked bases.

Step 4: Gently pick up the slithering mass of flour you call a pizza base and transfer it into the pan. What? It got all warped? uuhhhhh.... Well just hand press it and bring it to shape while its in the pan no worries you won't die from some burns. Now what we want is a half baked pizza base, not fully cooked but just enough to hold its shape when we add toppings on it. Cook each side for no more than 5 mins, maybe less depending on your size of base and pan, or just until it starts to darken maybe a bit brownish.

Step 5: Flip it and repeat Step 4 (only once let me remind you in case you risk putting yourself into an unending logical loop).

Step 6: The base is now done and ready for the toppings.

So pizza base ready? Check. Tomato sauce for the pizza? Check. Hunger for the pizza? Check. Eternal pledge to Our One True Lord Gaben? Check.

Now before the toppings, get some basic stuff ready like a plate to keep your pizza on, some olive oil (no I'm not Jamie Oliver) and some more oregano for light dusting (optional).

Well this part is however you wanna do it, but to qualify as a pizza technically you gotta have some cheese. In my case I went with mozarella cheese, green olives, capsicum and some shredded grilled chicken.

Step 1: What you need me to explain this too? ....... k.... Well prepare your toppings by cutting them to your preferences and set them aside (you can **** right off with the pineapples).

Step 2: Grate some cheese, set it aside (what can I say, graters gonna grate).

Step 3: Apply your tomato sauce according to your taste (I'm not judging you) on the pizza base. Now add half the toppings you wanted to add for 1 pizza, now add a quarter of the cheese you were planning to add (no this is not a sick sadistic mind game where I torture you). Now add in the remaing toppings followed by the remaining cheese (helps your toppings stick better). Looks good? Alright, now apply some oregano dustings (again optional if you added too much in the previous ones) and some very light drizzling of olive oil.

Ooooh things are heating up, unlike your bedroom. Now we bake the pizza.

Step 1: Heat (why do folks say preheat?) your oven to 200*c (idgaf in r.e.t.a.r.d.e.d measurements). Give it like 5 minutes to heat meanwhile set up your stations for handling some dripping hot pizza.

Step 2: Poot pizza in oven. Bake at 200*c for like 10 minutes or until you see it is browned to your taste, we don't want it black ( whats up with the liberals chanting outside and why did I just get a friend request from this dude wearing a cone hat?).

Step 3: You're still reading this? Go eat your pizza or play your game, you must've been able to join in by now

Here's my attempt while I typed this up