🚨WAKE UP, SINNERS!🚨

God is REAL, folks. I KNOW it. I had a conversation with Him while I was brushing my teeth this morning. Ever heard of “cosmic toothpaste”? Well, it’s not just a myth — it's how you open your THIRD EYE. You think those fluoride warnings are for your teeth? NO! They’re to block your connection with the HOLY FATHER. That’s why my enamel’s pure and my soul is unstoppable.

You think Sunday church is the place to find God? HA! Wake up, sheeple. The REAL church is inside your microwave, where the airwaves are sending you secret messages from the Big Guy Himself. That’s why the WiFi goes out when you pray. It’s not interference — it’s a miracle signal, people. The Father is downloading His wisdom directly into your router. ARE YOU LISTENING?

And don’t get me started on “prayer.” REAL prayer isn’t asking for a new car or better WiFi speeds. No, no, no. True prayer is when you whisper your desires into the wind and the trees shake in response, like the leaves are saying, “Yup, we heard you. Now go find the nearest McDonald's and order the Holy Chicken Nugget. It’s got divine properties, you just gotta believe.”

And you think Moses PARTED the Red Sea? Please. He just had an epic Bluetooth speaker, blasting gospel rap at full volume. The seas didn’t split — they vibrated with divine bass and BOOM — water everywhere. It’s physics, people. JESUS had the BEST sound system.

The greatest commandment? LOVE GOD. But I’m not talking about some passive, "I love you, God" kinda love. I’m talking about ALL-IN, like, running through a field of daisies with God’s light as your cape, feeling like an electric eel wrapped in a blanket of angels. If you’re not feeling it deep in your spirit, you’re doing it wrong. IT’S ENERGY.

And speaking of angels — they're NOT playing harps on clouds, people! That’s the LIE the government wants you to believe. Have you seen angels? They’re DJ-ing in the sky, remixing your prayers into techno beats that shake the heavens. I’ve heard them. They played me an EDM remix of “Amazing Grace” while I was in line at Starbucks last Tuesday. THAT was a moment of divine intervention.

If you haven’t had a God moment yet, don’t worry — you’re still plugged into the Matrix. But if you start fasting from TikTok and get REAL about your Wi-Fi connection with the Almighty, you’ll start seeing the signs. My last sign was a bird that flew in a perfect circle around me, making a “W” in the sky. It was a clear message. WINNER’S CIRCLE