Name: Unimportant, probably forgotten by now
Gender: Masculine vibes, like Gani’s cat when it steals your last slice of byrek
Location: Kurbnesh, Albania — population 74 (including two cats, Gani and Leke, who have formed a snack heist syndicate), one church that smells vaguely of burnt toast and loneliness, and exactly three suspicious pigeons that might be government agents
Languages: Albanian (native), some random Greek insults learned from a taxi driver named Kostas who still thinks he won the shouting match, and fluent “awkward chuckle” for social situations
Height: 181.3 cm (measured once by a kid named Ardit who insisted his ruler was calibrated using the height of a stubborn goat)
Weight: 76.4 kg (last checked after a binge of byrek from Fatmira’s stand — got banned for eating five without paying, and now she only nods at me like I’m a ghost)
Born: June 23, 1987, 11:21:37.423 AM — right in the middle of the annual goat-wrestling festival when the goats were unusually aggressive, especially the one named Zog
Death: January 2, 2053, 2:27:16.589 PM — precisely the moment when the village well finally gave up and dried out, as if tired of everyone asking for more ajvar
Cause of death: Rare cancer caused by overconsumption of ajvar and chronic exposure to spotty Wi-Fi signals bouncing off the old satellite dish owned by Beqir the conspiracy theorist
Lifespan: 65 years, 6 months, 9 days, 3 hours, 6 minutes, and 39 seconds (give or take a border dispute with the neighboring village of Gjakova)

Notable Life Events:

Attempted to build a 12.7-meter fence to keep the goats out of the vegetable patch but ended up blocking the only road to the café where Pëllumb serves the strongest espresso and worst gossip

Lost a shouting match in Greek to Kostas the taxi driver in Tirana, still salty and occasionally mutters “Malaka!” under breath when remembering it

Banned from Fatmira’s byrek stand after scarfing down five without paying; now she avoids eye contact and throws suspicious glances at the two cats, Gani and Leke, who probably snitched

Once argued for 45 minutes with Father Gjergj over who gets the last bottle of homemade raki; both ended up drinking it out of spite and falling asleep behind the church altar

Speaks fluent sigh, awkward chuckle, and the occasional “Shqip!” during tense moments, usually when the Wi-Fi drops mid-Youtube tutorial

Owns exactly 4 USB sticks, three with random useless files, and one mysterious folder labeled “Admin Stuff” which no one, including myself, dares to open

Has a collection of mismatched socks stolen from the village laundromat, rumored to be cursed by a disgruntled goat herder named Bujar

Final words, reportedly recorded by neighbor Drita: “The well’s dry again. Send more ajvar.”