t h i c c

MARRY ME

RAWR XD or die

Negative Comment

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the “loser,” and I eat the inferior one. The winner gets to go another round. In general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher than the newer blue ones. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world. When I reach the end, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, a 3×5 card reading, “Please use this M&M for breeding purposes.” They wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this “grant money.”