Stewie: Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.
Lois: Oh, don't pout, honey. You know, when you were born, the doctor said you were the happiest-looking baby he had ever seen.
Stewie: But, of course! That was my victory day! The fruition of my deeply-laid plans to escape from that cursed ovarian Bastille. Return the device, woman!
Peter: Come on, you're worryin' about nothin'.
Lois: Oh? Remember when you got drunk off the communion wine at church?
[cutaway to a priest giving a sermon at church]
Priest: And so the Lord God smote poor Job with festering boils all over his body...
God: [sitting in one of the pews] Aw, man, I hate it when he tells this story.
Priest:...yet, miraculously, Job was still able to maintain his dignity.
Peter: [He is seen drinking lots of communion wine, he coughs] Woah, is that really the blood of Christ?
Priest: Yes.

Peter: Man, that guy must've been wasted 24 hours a day, eh?
[cut back to the kitchen]
Lois: And then there was that time at the ice cream store...
[cutaway to the family at an ice cream store]
Peter: Aw, butter rum's my favorite! [licks and passes out immediately]
[cut back to the kitchen]
Brian: And remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see Philadelphia?
[cutaway to a movie theater. Everyone is sobbing, except for Peter who stares blankly, then claps his hands]
Peter: I got it. That's the guy from Big. Tom Hanks! That's it, aw, funny guy, Tom Hanks! Everything he says is a stitch!
Hanks: [on screen] I have AIDS.
[Peter laughing]

certified goose goose duck legend tbh

me whenever u give me hella head

+rep certified waffle stomper

+rep he knows my address