Every single day of my life is the same. I sit here in front of my computer, turn on OBS and begin streaming. For hours and hours, I watch videos, I play games. I used to try to be funny or make interesting points but no one ever watches me so I gave up. Every once in a while I see the viewer count flicker and maybe in that moment someone was watching. They never stay around because I do basically nothing. Most of the time I just gaze at my screen in silence; not very interesting. I don’t have it in me to fake having energy to try to desperately keep what might be a random viewer. I feel really frustrated, sometimes I might do a show or do a debate with some people. We call each other friends but something about our relationship is very hollow because we all have this stupid hope, or in some cases delusion, that maybe one day people will start watching. If i could be famous, i could quit my job if the right clip makes it on Reddit. I feel depressed, like this is not healthy and it’s really hard to find the words for these emotions. I think we need new words for what it’s like to live life on the computer because the words we normally use to describe our feelings were invented by people that lived in the real world, not by people on the computer. Like for example: I kind of feel like I am bored, but bored is not the right word because I am constantly entertaining myself and staving off boredom. When you are bored you can at least think. I can’t think because my brain is foggy and filled with little fragments of videos I have watched. I also sort of feel tired but I am not actually tired because I can never sleep. People blame it on the blue light of the screen, not getting sun, or lack of exercise but I think the problem is that a certain energy remains in me that is not supposed to stay inside and that we are not designed to have in us because when I am on the computer I feel like I am experiencing something but I am not actually experiencing anything and I am not doing anything and on some level my body and mind feel this and it’s like my life is a kind of paralysis; never moving, doing nothing, not really feeling anything, looking at one single thing. The one normal feeling I definitely can feel is anger. I need anger, it’s the only thing that gets this tension out of me and I basically use any excuse to get angry. I think I can say that I love anger, I love screaming and I love rage. I am constantly seeking out things that make me angry and getting more and more sensitive to losing it, so in a certain way all the mean ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ and ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ on the internet are needed and even though I go ape and freak out at the slightest troll; I actually really need these trolls to excise all these bad feelings in my spirit. I guess I could go as far as to say that the harassment I receive from Frank Hassle is the only meaning I have in my life and he keeps me from killing myself. Thank you Frank Hassle, thank you for your service.