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"Good heavens!" I exclaimed as I snatched my powdered wig and my Kentucky rifle. I took aim and blew a hole the size of a golf ball right through the first guy. He didn't even have time to say "What in tarnation?" before he was a goner.
Then came the second guy, and I whipped out my pistol. But here's the kicker: it's a smoothbore, and I ended up sending a round straight into the neighbor's dog. Oops, sorry, Fido!
With only two miscreants left, I realized it was time to bring out the big guns, quite literally. Upstairs, I had a cannon all loaded up with grape shot. "Tally ho, lads!" I cried as I fired it off. The result? Two bad guys shredded by the blast, car alarms going off like a symphony, and my neighbor threatening to call the cops.