Right then, let me tell you about this game - and trust me, I've seen enough mediocre entertainment to last several lifetimes, but this one's a bit like that mate who turns up to the party in a Borat mankini. You want to look away, you really do, but you can’t quite believe they’ve actually done it.

The story? About as fresh as a week-old kebab. Our hero struts about with a face like she’s just received a tax bill, not battling intergalactic nasties. Speaking of which, the creatures are about as inspiring as a microwave manual - gorillas and spiders with a sci-fi paint job. It's like they went to the local zoo, pointed at random animals and said, "That'll do."

The combat's simple enough - hit the weak spots, use the right elements, job done. The monsters, despite my earlier moaning, have their moments. Sometimes though, you're stuck trying to hit a sweet spot that's more protected than my X account, with some muppet of an enemy camping right in front of it.

The boss fights? Oh, don't get me started. It's like trying to convince my mate Johan that the Earth is round - you'll die 200 times before anything makes sense. And the save system? Bloody hell, it's more rigid than my old headmaster. ONE save? What is this, 1995? Get stuck in the wrong spot and you're about as useful as sunscreen at midnight.

The world? Linear. Think of it as a corridor with occasional doors. Pretty corridor, mind you. Each zone is like a well-decorated room in a house where you can't touch anything. No open world here, but you won't need a GPS to find your way around.

At full price, it's like buying bottled water at a festival - bit steep for what you get. But on sale? Worth every penny. It's short, yes, but so was Danny DeVito, and he's a legend. Think of it as a palate cleanser after a particularly nasty gaming meal. You won't be writing home about it, but you won't be throwing it in the bin either.