Right, let me tell you about this game The Callisto Protocol. You know what's mental? They spent millions making everything look gorgeous – proper Hollywood stuff, right? The gore, the blood, the guts – it's like they hired the effects team from Saw and said, "Go mental, make it disgusting." And they did!

The death animations? Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. Every time you die – which for most of you will be about every 30 seconds – you get to watch your character being ripped apart in new and exciting ways. It's like Final Destination in space, innit? Thank God they let you skip them, or we'd all be sitting there like proper muppets watching our character get dismembered for the 50th time.

Now, the combat... Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear. You know when you're at a party, and there's that one bloke who thinks he can dance but just looks like he's having a seizure? That's what the combat feels like. You're there, swinging away like a drunk at closing time, and the enemies just look at you like "Is that all you've got?" No stagger effect! Can you believe it? You hit them with your best shot, and they just laugh it off and slap you silly. It's like trying to fight Katie Price's bodyguards after ten pints.

And don't get me started on switching weapons. It's... so... bloody... slow. By the time you've switched from your gun to your baton, climate change has flooded half the planet.

The difficulty? Had to turn it down, didn't I? Not ashamed to admit it. Life's too short to be frustrated by a video game. It's like when you're watching Love Island – at some point, you've got to ask yourself, "Why am I putting myself through this?"

They promised us proper horror, right? Said it'd be like Dead Space's scarier cousin. More like Dead Space's slightly dim nephew who tries too hard at parties. There's so much ammo lying around, it's like an American gun shop. Where's the tension? Where's the fear? It's about as scary as Graham Norton in a Halloween costume.

And the enemies? Same bloody mutations over and over. It's like watching The X Factor – different faces, same old rubbish. They even recycled a boss fight four times! Actually... let's move on.

Look, for seven quid on sale, it's not bad. The graphics are proper good, and sometimes – SOMETIMES – it all comes together like a beautiful accident. But here's the thing: it's like that friend who keeps telling you they're going to get their life together. You want to believe them, you see the potential, but in the end, they're still living in their mum's basement playing Fortnite at 3 AM.