Recent reviews by TypicalSandwich

This game is like Elden Ring got drunk, broke into a roguelike’s house, and raised a child that liked Battle Royals without the PvP. The boss fights are easy if you follow their weakness chart, which feels like Pokémon for people with unresolved aggression. Seeing past Souls-like bosses pop up felt like being mugged by an old friend, heartwarming and traumatic. Shifting Earth events? Rare as a polite PvP invader. All 8 characters? Balanced like a perfectly seasoned soup. It’s rare to find a game where every class feels fun, and somehow I managed to love all of them like a fantasy version of The Bachelor. Mained the Executor, because nothing says love like parrying an ancient god’s jaw with the grace of a caffeinated raccoon.

10/10 Would become a giant-sized furry again.

One of my first mech games—and wow. It’s like being thrown into a blender full of jet engines and somehow coming out cooler. The fast-paced combat feels like speedrunning a thunderstorm with knives. The story? Genuinely awesome. Rusty? That man could whisper “I won’t miss” at my funeral and I'd still get goosebumps. Lock-on gets clingy like a toddler with jet boosters, but hey—it’s part of the charm. Would I play it again? Absolutely.

10/10 – This isn't a mech game, it's speed dating with missiles.
Also: "Investigate BAWS Arsenal No. 2" – 0/10

This game? A polite slap to the face.

Bosses were easier than assembling IKEA furniture with instructions. Hardest part of the game was killing the fluffy sword-swinging pupper who did nothing wrong. You don't just fight him. You break your own heart multiple times fighting him over and over in the name of completion. That's not a boss fight; it's emotional tax fraud.

I dumped points wherever the wind whispered and dodged like a raccoon avoiding IRS audits. Game was quick, lore was fun, would save Solaire again.

9/10. Play until Anor Londo. Bask in the Amazing Chest Ahead. Roll off a cliff. Ascend.

Dark Souls 2 is like waking up in a house you don’t recognize. It’s familiar, but something’s off. It’s the Souls equivalent of getting lost in a mall as a kid, except instead of a kind security guard finding you, you’re getting slapped around by 37 enemies at once. People love to dunk on this one, but honestly? I had a great time.

The real challenge isn’t the bosses—most of them are about as telegraphed as a slow-motion slap. The real pain? The marathon back to the boss room after every death. Dying isn’t the punishment; it’s the walk of shame past the same enemies who now know your every mistake. And then there’s Black Gulch—a place so aggressively unpleasant it feels like the developers lost a bet and had to make the worst level imaginable. It’s like walking barefoot through a LEGO factory while getting pelted with dodge balls full of bees. Every step is poison, every wall has something awful hiding in it, and by the time you escape, you feel like you’ve legally survived a war. But hey, finishing it is rewarding—kind of like escaping a burning building just to run back in for your hat.

Oh, and Adaptability? Turns out that little stat secretly controls whether your dodges are slick ninja maneuvers or the desperate flailing of a fish on land. I spent the entire game rolling like an old man trying to get out of a recliner, only to find out after beating the game that my i-frames were trash because I ignored ADP. Did I notice the difference? Not even slightly. But would it have been nice to know? Absolutely. Still, despite the weirdness, I enjoyed it and still loved every second. 9/10, would get lost in Majula again.

Dark Souls 3. Oh, where do I even begin? It’s like finding a golden ticket, but instead of chocolate, it’s a ticket to a world full of monsters that really don’t want you to have any chocolate. That’s Dark Souls 3. Think of the combat like a slap fight, but each slap leaves a mark. Simple? Yes. Effective? You bet your soul. The bosses? Oh, they’re not just bosses. They’re like if a nightmarish art exhibit and an angry god had a baby. And somehow, each one’s better than the last.

The gambler in me saw the Luck stat and instantly thought, ‘LETS GO GAMBLING!’ I dumped every point into it like I was betting my last dollar at a roulette table, knowing full well I’d probably end up with nothing but a bad story and a broken controller. What does Luck do? No idea and still don't know. But it sure as hell felt like I was betting my soul every time I pressed ‘confirm.’"

Do I recommend it? Absolutely. 10/10, would make terrible decisions again. A wise man once said, 'Quit while you're ahead.' I am not that man, I'm the man that doubles down. Luck stat? All in. Victory? Unlikely. Consequences? Irrelevant. The house always wins, but I refuse to leave the table.

This game isn’t just about becoming a sword god—it’s about proving you have the patience of a Buddhist monk and the reflexes of a caffeinated raccoon. It's a masterpiece of blade-on-blade action, where every fight is a brutal ballet of parries, precision, and pain.

The bosses? At first, they feel like divine warriors sent to humble your soul, each one more awe-inspiring than the last. But then you actually learn how to play, and suddenly they’re just glorified sword-wielding piñatas waiting to get posture-broken. But even when they get easier, they remain incredible—every design, every encounter, every perfectly choreographed duel is a love letter to samurai cinema.

The story? Peak. The visuals? Exquisite. The satisfaction of deflecting an entire boss combo with perfect timing? Better than finding an extra fry at the bottom of the bag. The only real downside? The game is over way too fast, and now you’re just some guy with no more swords to clash.

I came in expecting to get absolutely bodied, but once I got the mechanics down, I was slapping bosses around like I was their disappointed dad. Still an amazing game, but by the end, I was parrying everything like a damn rhythm game champion. 10/10, I wish it would’ve humbled me a little more.

Black Myth: Wukong is what happens when someone asks, “What if Dark Souls but monkey?” and then cranks it up to 11. You’re not just any monkey—you’re THE monkey, casually flipping through mythological nightmares with your own personal Q-tip. The bosses range from “What even is that?” to “Why does it have so many legs?” Combat? It's so satisfying you’ll consider legally adopting it. The visuals? Stunning, like nature documentaries on steroids. It’s monkey magic at its finest.

This game proves that a monkey with a stick is just as cool as any sword-wielding knight. 5/5 bananas!

After playing the DLC, I feel like I need to redo this review.

Elden Ring is what happens when Dark Souls takes a big whiff of Skyrim, chugs an energy drink, and starts throwing hands with cosmic horrors. My first run was a wizard’s fever dream. Spamming spells like a fantasy-themed laser tag champion. Then I said, “You know what? Let’s suffer,” and beat the whole game again with just fists. No summons. No help. Just me, my mitts, and an endless parade of boss trauma.

Malenia? She turned me into an unpaid intern learning her moveset like it was company policy. Lost count of deaths, found inner peace somewhere around attempt #47. Meanwhile, Radahn? King. Legend. Astral meat meteor. That tiny horse? Braver than most armies.

I explored the map like a toddler in a power outlet showroom. Every glowing cave, every suspicious tree, every poison lake. I was committed.

NOW then came the DLC!!! “Harder?” Yes. “Fair?” Absolutely not. “Enjoyable?” More than therapy. Bayle was built like a mountain made of dragon steroids, and I loved him for it. I would give my life for Igon’s voice actor. Messmer? A flaming trauma spiral in a crown. Died to Messmer so many times, I started saying "Mongrel Intruder" like it's my new good luck charm. Midra? Skinny, Fire, and perfect.

Base Game (10/10): An unforgettable journey where I cast spells, punched gods, and confessed my sins to a turtle in a hat.
DLC (10/10): I died so many times to Messmer that “Mongrel intruder” became my love language.