This man left my anus in shambles.
I'm ashamed to say it, but this man and I have a... bit of a history, one could say. We met a while back at a certain type of bar that some may frown upon. It was a cold, drizzly November evening. The neon lights at the establishment pierced the fog so beautifully. Even from down the block I could feel the warmth radiating out of it. It was in a shady area, but I was freezing. I made the decision to go inside, warm up, and continue my walk home.

As I entered, the sight of this man quickly grasped my attention, as he was throwing back bottle after bottle of mountain dew at the bar. It was astonishing how quickly he was draining the bottles. Before the bartender could even warn him about the damage he was doing to his insides, he would growl "another". Frozen with fear, I must have stared at him for at least five minutes. When I could finally move, I felt as though I had to speak with him. There was no way I could continue to watch him do this to himself.

I approached him cautiously, so as to not frighten the beast, and placed my hand on his shoulder. He whipped his head around over his shoulder faster than I thought humanly possible. I had to reveal what kind of monster this man was, but I had to be careful with my phrasing. I could tell the slightest mistake would have dire consequences. The best I could come up with was: "Excuse me, I don't mean to bother you, but how are you even capable of something this dastardly?" He just stared into my eyes blankly. I could tell the dew was destroying this man. The dead look in his eyes was purely horrifying. "T-This much mountain dew simply c-cannot be good for you." I mumbled. He grumbled and looked back at the bar. "What do you know?" he muttered. The rest of our conversation is a blur to me, I was too terrified to remember it. The next thing I remember is him standing up and whispering to me "follow me, I need to show you something." Being the fool that I am, I obliged.

He took me to his apartment complex, not far from the bar. We went up to his room where I saw what could only be described as a holy shrine dedicated to mountain dew. Horrifying as it was, it was also...beautiful. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. An exquisite marble statue stood before me. A statue of a man (who was absolutely shredded, I must add) flexing, pointing toward the sky. He was striking a truly heroic pose. Carved into his chest was the mountain dew logo. Mountain dew was pouring out of the man's eyes like Niagara Falls. I was horrified by the next detail I noticed: it was him. The mountain dew monster I met in the bar. The statue was of HIM. At this moment, he could see the astonishment on my face. "Do you like it?" he asks me. I didn't know how to respond. "In this world, everything is dew. Without dew, we are nothing. From beginning to end, all that has ever been, and all that ever will be, is dew."

At this moment, it was over. I was completely entranced by this man, under his spell. His once dead eyes grew immensly more captivating by the second. I started to notice his muscles, veins bulging out of them, throbbing, waiting to burst. I stood there in awe of the sculpted Adonis in front of me for what felt like eternity. I could no longer take it. In this moment, I wanted nothing more than this mountain of a man, and he knew it. He swooped me off of my feet, literally. He carried me into his bedroom, where the walls were lined top to bottom with cans of mountain dew. He offered me a dew, which I immediately accepted. From the very first sip I could tell it was the nectar of the gods. I could feel myself growing stronger as all of my problems seemed to start diminishing. After I finished my last sip, he leaned into my ear and said "are you ready to do the dew?"

Of course I was ready. I've never been more ready for anything in my life. This was the moment. I laid on my back as he removed his trousers, revealing what can only be described as the kraken's descendant. This man's package was larger than I had ever seen before by a significant margain. It was incredible. I was awestruck yet again. Only this time, he did not wait for me to come back to my senses. He passionately thrust into me with the force of a thousand lions. I let out a bloodcurling scream. His neighbors were certain to think someone was being tortured in his room. He proceeded with the pounding for well over 3 hours. All of this dew has given him some serious stamina.