[Cheery instrumental music.]
Mom, Dad, I found cigarettes in Greg's jacket.
- Greg, were you smoking cigarettes? - No, Dad.
He's lying.
There's no doubt about that.
Greg, I'm afraid your punishment will be four hours in the snakepit.
That'll give you time to think about what you did.
Man! That'll teach him.
Jan, I'm afraid you've earned a day in the fire chamber for tattling on your brother.
Smoking.
How does a boy like that go so wrong? - They live in a crummy neighborhood.
- The Bradys? Yeah.
They got robbers, thugs, drug dealers.
You name it.
You folks want some pancakes? PETER: No, thanks.
See, that's the worst we got is Jemima's Witnesses.
LOIS: [Singing.]
"It seems today that all you see "is violence in movies and sex on TV "But where are those good, old-fashioned values "on which we used to rely? "Lucky there's a family guy "Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you "all the things that make us "laugh 'n' cry "He's a family guy" [Cheery instrumental music.]
MEG: Mom, my lips are too thin.
Can I please get collagen injections? Meg, you don't need to change the way you look.
You know, most of the world's problems stem from poor self-image.
[Polka music playing in gym.]
[Man and women laughing.]
[Growling.]
Excellent! The mind-control device is nearing completion! LOIS: Stewie, I said no toys at the table.
Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.
Don't pout, honey.
When you were born the doctor said you were the happiest looking baby he'd ever seen.
But, of course.
That was my victory day.
The fruition of my deeply-laid plans to escape from that cursed ovarian bastille! Return the device, woman! No toys, Stewie.
Very well, then.
Mark my words, when you least expect it, your uppance will come! [Suspenseful instrumental music.]
Mom, can I turn the heat up? Don't touch the thermostat, Meg.
Your father gets upset.
Come on.
This thing goes up to 90.
Who touched the thermostat? God, how does he always know? Brain implant, Meg.
Every father's got one.
Tells you when the kids mess with the dial.
GUY: My thing went off! Your thermostat okay? - Yeah, it's all right.
- Is my kid over here? Forget it! False alarm! BRIAN: Ass ahoy.
Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on.
What's the occasion? He's going to a stag party.
Lois, I work hard all week to provide for this family.
I am the man of the house.
As the man, I order you to give me permission to go to this party.
Look, at least promise me you won't drink.
Alcohol always leads to trouble.
Come on.
You're worrying about nothing.
Remember when you got drunk off the Communion wine at church? And so the Lord God smote poor Job with festering boils all over his body.
Man, I hate it when he tells this story.
PRIEST: Yet, miraculously, Job was still able to retain his dignity.
- Is that really the blood of Christ? - Yes.
Man, that guy must've been wasted And then there was that time at the ice cream store.
Butter Rum's my favorite.
Remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see Philadelphia? [Audience crying.]
I got it.
That's the guy from Big.
Tom Hanks, that's it.
Funny guy, Tom Hanks.
Everything he says is a stitch.
I have AIDS.
- Promise me, Peter.
- Lois, honey, I promise.
Not a drop of alcohol is gonna touch these lips tonight.
Who wants to play Drink The Beer? Right here.
- You win.
- All right.
What do I win? Another beer! I'm going for the high score! Actually, Charlie's got the high score.
Man.
Your clock won't flush.
I feel kind of bad, guys.
I promised my wife I wouldn't drink.
- Don't feel bad, Peter.
- Gee.
I never thought of it like that.
Did you bring the porno? Did I bring the porno? You're gonna love it.
It's a classic.
Listen, Ilsa.
If I take this thing out and you're not on it, you'll regret it.
Not today or tomorrow.
RICK: But soon, and for the rest of your life.
Come on, llsa! Get on it! [Funky music on TV.]
NARRATOR: The statue was a gift from France.
What is this? Man.
My kid must've taped over this for history class.
[Groans.]
The Statue of Liberty? What are we gonna do? - Boys, we're gonna drink till she's hot.
- That's just crazy enough to work.
Meg, finish your pancakes.
- Chris, elbows off your father.
- Thanks, son.
a great example for the kids, Peter.
Yeah.
A new family record.
Way to raise the bar, Dad.
Chris, you're 13.
Don't talk like that.
Kids, Daddy only drank so the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off.
- What did you promise me last night? - I wouldn't drink at the stag party.
- And what did you do? - Drank at the stag I almost walked right into that one.
God! Feels like accountants are cranking adding machines in my head.
[Machines whirring.]
♥♥♥♥, you ever wonder what's outside those walls? That's dangerous thinking, Paul.
You best stick to your work.
Okay.
You see? A hangover is nature's way of telling you I was right.
I mean MEG: Mom, are you all right? LOIS: My goodness.
This chair leg was loose.
Isn't that silly? I could've broken my neck.
Damn! [Suspenseful instrumental music.]
Honey.
I took a cab home, I slept on the table so I wouldn't wake you up.
Nothing bad happened.
I guess you're right.
Apology accepted.
All right, I'm going to work.
Somebody's gotta put food on this table.
How are you coming, Johnson? Mr.
Weed, I've been working on the new G.
I.
Jew line.
And as you can see, they look great.
You call these bagels? I'm glad he's on our side! [Snoring.]
MR.
WEED: Peter! PETER: What? Are you sleeping on the job? No.
There's a bug in my eye and I'm trying to suffocate him.
Peter, I like you.
But I need you to be more than just eye candy around here.
It's your job to watch for toys that could be hazardous to kids.
- Now, look sharp! - Yes, sir! [Snoring.]
[Foreboding instrumental music.]
And now back to Action News 5.
Our top story tonight, "When Toys Attack.
" Quite a situation we've got here, Tom.
Quite a situation we've got here, Tom, indeed, Diane.
The Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Company of Quahog, Rhode Island has released highly unsafe products into the retail market.
Come on, Timmy! Throw the Silly Ball! Boy! A Pound Poochie! Come on, Baby Heimlich, spit it out.
Peter, I'm appalled.
Your negligence has damaged this company's reputation.
You're fired! Jeez.
For how long? [Sad instrumental music.]
My God! You got fired? - Way to go, Dad! Fight the machine! - How do you know about the machine? PETER: Don't worry.
I'll still put food on this table.
Just not as much.
So it might get a little competitive.
Who cares about food? Now we'll never be able to afford my lip injections! BRIAN: Can we put her out in the yard for a while? LOIS: Okay, who's hungry? Jeez.
How the hell am I gonna break this to Lois? If she finds out I got fired for drinking, she's gonna blame me! DEVIL: Lie to her.
It's okay to lie to women.
They're not people like us.
I don't know.
Hey, where's the other guy? [Cars honking.]
Come on, you bastard! I'm late for work.
This is perfect! Look, I don't want your mom to worry, all right? When she worries, she says, "I told you so" and: "Stop doing that.
I'm asleep.
" So I'm just gonna tell a little lie, okay? Not a word to your mom about me getting canned.
LOIS: What's that, Peter? - Nothing.
The lost-my-job smells great.
- What? Meg, honey, can you pass the fired-my-ass-for-negligence? LOIS: Peter, are you feeling okay? I feel great! I haven't got a job in the world.
All right, then let's eat.
I know you all hate eggplant, but What on earth was that? What the deuce are you staring at? It's tuna fish and nothing else.
[Suspenseful instrumental music.]
How's your job search going? It sucks, Brian.
I've already been through two jobs this week.
I got fired off of that commercial.
DIRECTOR: Try it again.
PETER: "I'm caca for Cocoa Puffs.
" DIRECTOR: No, damn it!