Assassin's Creed Valhalla commits a grave sin. It didn't kill off a beloved character nor was it a buggy mess on launch. The fault with this game is much simpler than that--It's really, REALLY, effing boring.

I will say, I have been an AC fan since the first game came out. I remember being excited for the launch and enthralled with Altair and his secretive clan of assassins. I loved the intrigue of slowly unraveling the bigger picture of the story as each new installment came out. Over the years the vision for where the franchise was going changed, and the games changed with them. Some of these changes were good, most were not. AC Valhalla represents the culmination of what is wrong with the modern take on Assassin's Creed games.

What does one expect from an Assassin's Creed game? Let’s get to basics, cause by god we're gonna need 'em.

1) The main character is an Assassin and/or joins the order at some point.
=> Eivor is pointedly NOT an Assassin, never intends to become one, flat out says that he/she doesn't really have much interest in their cause beyond using the assassins as allies. I have not completed this game at time of writing, however it is my understanding that this does not change. In fact, while Eivor may have the hidden blade, they do not keep it actually hidden, opting instead to wear it like glorified brass knuckles and use it in head-on attacks.

2) The main character will complete assassinations on high profile targets that involve some stealth combat.
=> There is stealth combat in this game. There are not, however, many opportunities to use it. The main story does not have the assassination targets as an objective, instead this game went the route of AC Odyssey and opted for a tree of mystery-unraveling to unveil the big players of the organization. In Odyssey that system worked with the story and was at least partially relevant to what was happening. Those characters had a reason to hate the members of the cult and want to hunt them down. In Valhalla? I have no idea why I would bother taking down the Templar figures because Eivor isn’t even an Assassin. They want power and glory, sure, but that's such a weak motivator that it doesn’t keep the player’s interest for long. Eivor (as a Viking) goes for a straightforward “raid and pillage” style of fighting so during missions the game often immediately puts you in combat and thus eliminates the possibility of a stealthy approach. Large scale castle raids are played this way as well. Eivor is NOT an Assassin.

3) There is a complex and engaging story.
=> This game has a good 3-4 hours in the beginning where it starts to feel like they are building a complex narrative with key players that I could buy into. Then, instead of building on that, they use it as a call to the hero’s journey and dump you smack dab in the middle of what I have begun to call the “open world grind”. Do you enjoy following objectives to the next place you need to pillage? Opening every chest to get generic ‘supplies’ so you can push a button back at your village and upgrade a shop? Killing wild animals and breaking rocks so you can fuel the upgrade machine? No? Then don’t bother playing. The game is so desperate to show the player that they have an open world to explore that they didn’t stop to write in a reason for me to do so beyond endless tiers of upgrades. The missions are also uninteresting. Go here, kill some bad guys, go there, talk to someone, etc.

4) The game will have parkour movement that will be used in creative ways for infiltration or assassinations.
=> This game has parkour movement. It has unbelievable parkour movement. You can climb anything and everything, effortlessly latching onto a flat wall with your spiked gloves or something I suppose because there’s clearly no other explanation. Look, far be it from me to advocate for less freedom of movement, but I remember when parkour in games felt cool because it had some limitations that required different gear, or an upgrade, or--I don’t know--some mild puzzling to figure out how to get to where you wanted to be. It feels so lifeless and uninteresting to be able to climb all over everything like a spider-monkey without even earning it. And again--Eivor is NOT AN ASSASSIN. Why do they just know how to do this? And even putting all I have said aside, stealth and parkour just isn’t super relevant to completing objectives in AC Valhalla. Story missions are straightforward assault battles.

5) Interesting setting.
=> This reason is much more subjective, but honestly I think it’s still a valid point for reasons I’ll expand upon. Vikings just feel…very done as a concept right now, in my opinion. Obviously this game was conceptualized years ago, but it just doesn’t hit as an unexplored interesting locale and time period to set an AC game. However even beyond my opinion, the color palette is definitely limited by this setting. I was getting flashbacks to the drab, boring and ugly locations in Assassin’s Creed 3, and that’s not a good thing. The game is pitched as a Viking raider vs English townspeople struggle for power but somehow also tries to convince me that the Vikings were the good guys and all of the people who lived on that land are corrupt. Like ok sure the king might be selfish and a despot but was the farmer and his family? You know, the one I just mugged for supplies during a raid? I’m not saying that the main character of a game has to be a good guy but when you try and convince me they are while also asking me to pillage towns it just rings hollow.

There is more I could say that I haven't even touched on (pointless boat transit, equally pointless city management systems, etc.), but this review is already quite long and I don’t want it to double in length. I guess what you should know is:

TL;DR--Valhalla is an extremely boring game that fails to give the player any motivation to keep playing it. It is an aimless and drab experience of half-considered systems and features that feel shoved-in to justify the title of Assassin’s Creed. It did not need to be an Assassin’s Creed game, nor was it compelling enough to have existed as a standalone title. It is a vapid example of a game that might be designed by some corporate AI that seeks to check off boxes rather than make something truly interesting.