It's a guitar joke dummy. Don't know how to play? OK ILL TEACH YOU.

First get a guitar. You need to go to Guitar Center. There are gonna be a bunch of people there that are infinitely better than you just shredding. They don't work there, they just exist to intimidate you. Pretend to look at all the high end guitars. Even take some off the wall and pretend to feel the weight of it. Then just go buy a Squire kit with an amp. YOU MUST BUY A DISTORTION PEDAL. This is important for later.

Now, throw away everything you know about guitar except for the first thing I just told you. Hold the guitar so that the long part is in your left. Cup that long part with your fingers on the string. Take one of the picks that they probably up-sold you in your right hand and run it over the strings on the fat part of the guitar. Get comfortable with that, its like 90% of playing guitar.

Now to learn some chords. A chord is just a fancy name for a note. A note is just a fancy name for a sound. Theres like literally dozens of chords but you only need one to start, E. Oh by the way the metal stripey things on the long part of the guitar are frets. Here is what it looks like. The fat string is on the left

| | | x | |

| x x | | |

| | | | | |

Right? Thats an E. Almost positive on that. Just lock your fingers in and commit it to memory. In fact the last string you can even omit if you want. Most important thing is the muscle memory. There should be a clear sound. No buzzing or anything. If you get buzzing start fiddling with all the screws on the guitar until it goes away or you irreparably break the guitar.

Once you can play and E with no problem you can start movign that same formation around to get different notes. You move it up 1 space its and F, then F# then G and so forth. Move it up (or is it down) a string and its an Am. m means minor which really is just an A. Gotta throw in a minor every now and again to appease aficionados. If you only care about understanding the joke you can stop here. Note: If it sounds weird or whatever grab that distortion pedal and hook it up. Then crank both dials all the way to the right. It should sound like a pretty garbage disposal.

With me so far? Ok now to learn a song. First song is gonna be Lit - My own worst enemy. It's super easy. Everyone loves it. Here are the chords. Oh you were worried you were gonna have to learn sheet music? Not necessary. Sometimes you will see "tabs" which are just as complicated. Screw that. Just get the chords and be done with it. If you see any fancy symbols like m,7 or sus just ignore them. You only care about the big letter A-G and the #

You should be basically stage ready at this point. If you want to take it further I suggest you immediately move into learning sweeping arpeggios with string skipping. YouTube to get some tutorials.

Bonus Tip: People are gonna comment endlessly about how you have bad form and you are going to get a repetitive stress injury if you play long term without proper instruction. These people are haters and you should ignore them.