Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Friends are like boobs. Some are real, some are fake...

The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

If you don't succeed at first, hide all evidence that you tried.

If the grass is greener on the other side it's probably getting better care.

When science finally locates the center of the universe, some people will be surprised to learn they're not it.

You remind me of my pinkie toe... Sooner or later I’m gonna bang you on a table.