I used to roll half a bottle of laxative pills into a Crunch wrap supreme and then leave cow pies on peoples door mats. People in my town installed porch cameras to catch the "Phantom S hitter" they said it couldn't possibly be one man, the hits were too frequent and too large. It had to be a whole gang of city punks coordinating and making planned precision strikes. I felt like a god among lesser beings in my town. Every time i was at the local diner and i overheard someone screaming about the black slop they found on their porch i felt powerful and unstoppable. I became too arrogant, started striking during the day. That's when they caught me and strung me up in the streets and hit me with rocks. I barely escaped with my life and i had to leave town. Now after all these years, I'm in a new town and I behave well enough. But I've got this nagging feeling, the urge is back, and I'm starting to think that my new town is about to experience a storm

This is not a test. This is your emergency broadcast system announcing the commencement of the Annual No Nut November sanctioned by the US Government. All pornography has been restricted. Males with birthdays during No Nut November have been granted immunity and shall be allowed to nut on the day of their birth. Commencing at the siren, any and all nutting, including masturbation, sex, and other sorts of sexual activities will be illegal for 30 continuous days. Prostitution, porn websites, and girls will be unavailable for use until December, when No Nut November concludes. Blessed by our New Founding Fathers and America, a nation reborn. May Allah be with you all.