April 2014

Hello there Helmer fans, it’s me again, definitely the real Roger Helmer, back with another hot mouthful of news and views from Strasbourg, or ‘The Bourg’ as I like to call it. I call it that because it’s just like ‘The Borg’ from Star Trek around here, with all these mindless, shuffling EU Strasborgs milling about inside this giant, darkened EU voting cube, turning dials and pushing buttons on their chests. Bloody robots. It makes me sick just being around them, hearing them talk in their ridiculous robot languages.

Get this, readers, the German word for the German language is Deutsch, but the Dutch word for the Dutch language is Nederlands, and the Netherlands calls itself Holland, but Hollande is the president of France. I tell you readers, if words were drugs, the EU would be a great big needle sharing drug party, with Brussels handing out language-meth on a tax-payer funded platter and Belgium spitting gobs of grammar-cocaine into Italy’s MDMA-rimmed verb-arsehole.

Anyway, there’s only one language I’m interested in and that’s the language of STRAIGHT TALKING. And English.

I WANT A HORSE

Popular singer-songwriter Mika, who is one quarter Syrian, one quarter Lebanese and half normal person, once sang “I could be brown, I could be blue, I could be violet sky”, a stark admission of the man’s raging cultural identity crisis and a damning indictment of the unfettered multiculturalism brought about by liberal immigration policies.

Mika wanted to be like Grace Kelly, but what I really want is a horse so that I don’t have to step foot on European soil every time I come here to Strasbourg. It has to be a horse that won’t go mental on an aeroplane because I’m going to ride it down the steps straight on to the runway and then gallop to all my EU meetings. Perhaps I could have one of the horses from Warhorse, they’ve probably all been on aeroplanes, or have at least seen aeroplanes, and are probably cheap enough if you go for one of the background horses. Obviously I don’t want Warhorse himself unless he’s available.

I’M AFRAID A WIND TURBINE WILL KILL MY HORSE

What use is a horse however if it will just eventually be bludgeoned to death by the tip of a wind turbine’s spinning rotors, as was the case in Tewkesbury last weekend when a crowd of horses galloped right into the flailing arms of one of these deathtraps, a story you WON’T hear about on the BBC.

A new study from America has shown that young male horses are naturally drawn to a wind turbine’s rotating blades, which from a distance appear to them to resemble an audience of thin white lady horses, each giving them a big wave in an exaggerated, theatrical way, as if to say “come over here horse, I won’t club you to death with my horse arms”. Once they get closer to the turbines and the cruel ruse is revealed however, the horse’s natural instinct to sniff metal takes over and they trot right into the danger zone, sniffing innocently at the turbine’s giant mast, unaware of the high speed rotorblade tip about to clobber them into an agonising and traumatic death. How high must the pile of dead and dying horses around every wind turbine in Britain become before we shut down these murderous sideways death helicopters?

GLOBAL WARMING

Look, before you all start, I understand the different between weather and climate change, I really do. I understand that weather is a measure of local conditions in the environment and that there are huge natural variations in weather depending on the location and the time of year, and that extremes of weather, both hot and cold, occur all year round. I also understand that climate science is the study of weather patterns on a global scale and over very long periods of time and that the man-made global warming climate models allow for all kinds of weather to occur while predicting that extremes of weather will occur more frequently. I understand that. But hey, I’d like to see these global warmists explain why I’m scraping ice off my windshield in March eh? Checkmate.

NIGEL FARAGE’S FACT BARRAGE

Stand down Roger. Step aside, because it’s me now, Nigel Farage, president of UKIP, and my fact-guts are rumbling, my opinion-sphincter is spasming, and my intestines are turgid with piping hot reason. My body is aching to pump greasy ribbons of truth, so you know what that means: it’s time for Nigel Farage’s Fact Barrage. Oh god get out of the way.

-They should call it the PU because boy does Europe stink (pee-eww!)

-No wait they should call it the European Onion because it makes me, Nigel Farage, cry

-There are over 500 countries in the EU, all of whom have the right to walk around in your back garden, laughing at your trees

-One day a bee came over from Portugal and ♥♥♥♥♥♥ up every bee in Britain, now we don’t have bees
The most popular club in Hungary is called “Cricket Is ♥♥♥♥” and EVERYONE goes there

-You know that thing with Star Trek teleporters where maybe they’re just killing the original person and creating a clone with all of their memories? Well what if that’s what’s happening inside the Channel Tunnel, what then?

-Bulgaria is named after a Great British womble. What a nerve!

-It’s called Romania because they’re mad about rowing. Rowing over to our bloody country that is.
Cigarette means little cigar but baguette doesn’t mean little bag. Nice try France but you’re fooling no one

-If we got rid of borders Great Britain would immediately flood. LOOK AT A MAP.

-When John Travolta sang “you’re the one that I want” in the musical Grease he wasn’t talking about the country Greece. Greece is currently undergoing a financial crisis that I’m sure you agree *isn’t* the one that we want

-It is a fact that dogs in different countries speak different languages. Do you really want dogs coming over here woofing in post offices in ways that our dogs don’t understand? I know I don’t
Ella Fitzgerald is American. Well done Ella! Unfortunately she’s also black. But she’s dead. So swings and roundabouts

EVERYTHING IN ITS RIGHT PLACE

Why not keep things segregated with this official Helmer-branded chest of drawers, available now from Nordic furniture men IKEA? https://www.ikea.com/gb/en/images/products/helmer-drawer-unit-on-castors-white__0175264_pe328644_s5.jpg?f=xl

“But Roger,” I hear you ask, “why are you supporting European furniture men when there are good, honest British furniture men struggling to make ends meet under the stifling bureaucratic regime imposed by our unelected overlords in Brussels?”

Well this was an unfortunate administrative error on the part of my assistant, who misheard my instruction as I had been, for the purposes of comedy, effecting a strong Asian accent at the time. “IKEA if you don’ yooz Argos for ma Hermer draws!” I had shouted quite clearly from the other room. My assistant shall not be reprimanded however as she is my wife. Yes, I employ my wife using taxpayer money, that’s a real thing and not a joke.