I have been apart of portal for years now, and I'm wrapping up my story of it, the good, the bad, and the things I learned along the way, although I'm not a fan of novels, so don't expect a 12 page essay.

I started portal 2 when I was like 10 or 7, I don't remember, I played the campaign and then jumped into mods, I didn't really like puzzle games but portal and it's other mods stuck out, they were not just puzzle games, they had character, and sense and reason to finish the puzzle, to hear a character's dialog or enter the few action moments, or see the new stuff, it kept me in tune longer than say, chucks challenge 3d or chromagun just name some others.

I ran through Ap-tag and played through it several times, people say it's bad, but I think due to it's simplistic puzzle concept it doesn't ask much of you, 2 gels with simple logic, I then tried mel for the first time, (on non-story mode because I didn't even know it was the easier option lmao, we ball!) and found the portal concept more interesting with the scenery and story to back it up, it was absolutely the best mod out their I'll never change my mind about that.
and finally Rexaura, which was a difficult challenge, but because of how simple and fluid the puzzles were I didn't give up, only having to look at a walk through twice, although Rexaura lacked in many departments I loved about Portal-Stories Mel as a child, I liked it because of it's puzzles, they were inspiring, and that's when my light bulb in my little mind turned on, I wanted to create puzzles to inspire others to create theirs, because there is just something so elegant about it, but perhaps I see things differently then others.

And so I started into the community, I started small as a kid, with AP-Tag, I again truly love tag because it's basically a kids version of portal 2, simple mechanics, easy editor, and still lots of creativity that made you feel special, I made bad work but it still was pretty good for however old I was at the time, hell I even started making make-shift style stuff with elements working in the background to do things, my most memorable make-shift at the time was exploding a turret in the background to simulate a explosion happening in the facility, in practice it failed, but the concept and execution alone was still amazing.

and sooner or later I started touching portal 2, with beemod of course, the only big moment that happened after that era was when I started working on my "thinking with pressure" series, ultimately it failed but acted as a huge learning curve, here is advice, if your getting into something, start by training yourself with small things, like just make a puzzle or a series, who cares if it's good, you just need to learn the tools before you put them to work, anyway the series as a concept wasn't to good, I basically just used vactubes as old-ap faithplates, additonally the puzzles turned out fairly well considering how I was working with a ♥♥♥♥♥♥ beemod that kept breaking because of dumb stuff like fizzlers and goo pits forcing me to rethink my execution of building the same puzzle, there are some gems in their, but it would be hard to notice and not note worthy.

After making the series I touched on another series I loved thinking about as a kid, "Rupture" as it was called, I had made it before in portal 2 however I was very young at the time and the memory got wiped, "Rupture" was based off a map name called "Rupture", any-ho Rupture's main concept was Areng's 4-Portal item "Portal Switcher" which allowed you to use 2 sets of portals in singleplayer, sounds like co-op?, yeah it sounds similar but functionally it works differently, (etc: Immortal),
the series was way better than TWP could have ever been, yet unfinished and poor quality, it was a step up, and I even unintentionally meet someone key in the story, "DidoKiller".

Finally I was bored of making series and thought that it was time to get new, and be like the others, time to make an individual puzzle, and thus "Transfusion" was born, I tried to milk it for all it was worth by making 2 terrible unlisted puzzles, but what made it so special is a youtuber named "Nguerma", at the time the only person playing my maps was my friend "The Trying Midge", but a whole youtuber?!, think of the fans! the players!, my journey has been lifted up, I could actually do this!, and little me jumped for joy, it's funny how numbers seem to become more irreverent the larger you are, it's not about 10 when I want 100 or 1,000, but at the time all I wanted was a number more than 1.

I kept creating, making Ascension, Emulate and Vigilance, all were exceptionally good for my standards at the time, I had actually found a rabbit hole into PieCreepers' Discord server, the Portal 2 community server, it was from their I prospered more, all because one day, I saw a streamer was playing one of MY maps?!, it's like I was dreaming, I was getting seen, of course my maps had flaws but the streamer had fun, they were redirected to them because they were playing most recent (garbage) maps, and the fact that my maps weren't this "Garbage" meant so much, I was actually doing good, my name was heard and I was making progress.

I would like to thank the various streamers for helping me in my journey.
The Swadenator: for being down to earth and entertaining and encouraging, I always loved watching the stream no matter what map you played, ashamed you haven't returned in a while.

Evillol: A creator them self who knows more than I could ever, always fun starting off the stream with a neat little map was an amazing idea, and being a creator himself helped guide me easier without needless tutorials, like a teacher.

And most of all Mr.Fab: I admire how long you have streamed, how many maps you have played, nothing truly stops you, you have encouraged me to go on at my lowest, just thinking "well If I don't post this map, what will fab play next stream?, you have been there at my lowest points, if it weren't for you I would have quit those 2 other times, you are truly amazing, you are what kept me going, thank you.

Shortly after Nguermia played my map I wanted to see what he would play next, and after some looking around I stumbled upon "Pisslers and Pistons" a commandrtnt map, and I'm still not sure how we got together, but I've always been fond of him as a friend, he was always down to earth, yeah harsh and mean about things but no one is perfect, he was just as confused but cleverly minded as I was, in hindsight, we were exploring this journey together.

From streamers playing maps I learned more about the community, I started getting bigger with my projects, making soul catch and laser lock and shortly after, priorities, 3 decently challenging maps, I was impressed with myself, and others give similar remarks, but less then before, no matter, I made Destiny after seeing a map I forgot the name of, it was an idea of making a outdoors map, taking that grungy looking portal 2 ascetic out the window and replace it with something nice, the maps were flawed but the idea was amazing, ironically this is how I meet evillol from earlier, he rarely plays maps off stream but this one caught his eye, and it tricked him, and there I knew I had a ability to replicate, people try to make hammer maps out of beemod, but they don't try to the utmost, I felt inspired and kept going.

Then I saw mikeastro's video about "Why most recent/popular maps are bad" and along with his other ones, it got me inspired thinking that this was the next step, someone somewhere about making high quality stuff, I played through his reliaque series and for once I was stumped badly, it was strange not know how things were meant to be done despite it being laid out before you, it was, clever, and was pretty damn good.

I wasn't having the best times now however, I was posting maps for then to receive few comments, and even one time when I posted a map named "Moseinder" a 4 portal gel hard map, Evillol played it on stream and broke it, and this top designer complains "do you even playtest your map?", of course I did, I was the only one who COULD playtest it because it was to hard and complex, I was infuriated that whole night, and then made "Boring but Good", a map that was high quality, but with the most blandest puzzle.

I decided join Mikeastro's discord server, and saw new people there, but these people were different, they didn't care about fun or creativity, they cared about quality, it was like going from recess to a factory, but if this was the next step up the ladder, I was willing to climb.

I noticed that people here were harsh, they would critique your work to the last detail, giving you a 2 paragraph essay to read (granted you didn't) and link their map telling you to play it and learn why it's better than yours, this was extremely annoying, and I saw my peers quitting, but oh well I guess, as a man you have to roll with the punches, starting a cope for it which ultimately hurt me.

I would try to impress these people by making more maps of high quality, chasm, kentics, sustain, transit, but they were not convinced, these people were called "Puzzle Designers", and that's when I knew what my new goals were.

Climbing the ladder was now difficult, it was slippery with sometimes rain pouring overhead, but I kept going, additionally climbing the ladder was less rewarding every step of the way, things were getting stale, I wasn't doing this anymore because I found it fun, I was doing this because I HAD to, it made it seem like a job, not a hobby.

I learned about critical thinking skills and better quality puzzle designer, my quality was identical as these "Puzzle Designers", but to no avail, nobody seemed to notice.

I was getting fatigued and several times I wanted to quit, but those that meant the most were there to keep me going, of course they weren't anyone who could get me closer to my goals, but ended up being all I really had left.

A couple months back in our story I got a girlfriend, who I am very thankful for, of course I won't talk about it much because it's not relevant, when I was working on amalgaphobia I got stumped and almost didn't finish it, but when my girlfriend told me, someone who hasn't even played portal 2 mind you, told me I was good at making puzzles, it made me feel like my young self again, and gave me all the motivation I needed to finish the map.

I needed help on a map, I had a habit of just making something and sending it off, "DidoKiller" gave me some suggestions, and ultimately wanted to help me with this project, he helped me every step of the way building the map "River", it's like he was a second author, not only did we make a map together but I learned a lot about him, he was very realistic about things like me, and because I was wiser he was someone I could talk to on the same level which was a nice change, but it was something he said, he hated the place he was in within the community because it was pointless, but what he said that actually struck me was where he lived, he lived in Argentina which is being hit with the hardest inflation ever, living there was difficult and he knew so much more about life though then I ever will, he had to make the hard decision to move to another country to escape it, but he stayed their as long as he could to see his family, and that's when the last bit of hatred I had for him faded away, I respect him.

I was focused on my goals, it was no longer just about inspiration, it was a bullet point checklist of things I wanted from this community, this journey, but things were extremely challenging, it was absurdly hard to get anything, I would pour blood, sweat, and tears, into my projects and my work, but nothing, while I watched other people get rewards without much effort, I should have gotten that, but I was becoming irrelevant.

I would do a recent contest, knowing that I had failed the others despite putting all my effort into it, but I was committed to make this stand out, to at least be an honorable mention, but when I tried my mind grew tired, it's like an old person trying what they did as a child, but nothing clicks and things are complicated now, I tried my damn hardest making an excellent map not only one that would be high quality, but to follow the theme, it didn't help the contest theme sucked, but eventually "Escort" was made.

And then judging day came around I was at the edge of my seat hoping to finally break the loop I was in, but I didn't even get honorable mention, nothing, you want to know who did?, those top "Puzzle Designers", every single time, well really the top was a new kid but still, they say these contests are "Fair", but really it's just friends picking friends, didn't help my childhood trauma was kicking in, which made everything worse.

But why I am even doing contests I just lose every time?, it's because it's all I had left, I was becoming nothing, and this was my only time to be seen, just a glimpse of hope, after the last contest I stopped, and accepted my fate.

As of recently I had earned my eagle rank and had finally completed the boy scouts program, I won't talk about it because it's not the point of the story, but something hit me during the ceremony, a little story.

A journey is like climbing a mountain, at the bottom your both existed and scared, wondering if your going to even be able to make it up to the top, 1/4 of the way your happy and Enthusiastic, thinking that it can't be that bad, and you'll make it up soon, 2/4 of the way your happiness fades, you look for anything to be happy about, but you can tell it's fading with every step, one step after another, 3/4 of the way your happiness fades away, you no longer are as happy as you were, you are instead filled with commitment and dread, the only thing keeping you going is that your almost there, just a couple meters from the top your legs give out and you fall, you catch yourself but now your forced to crawl the rest of the way, through the rocks and snow, your in pain but your as close as you have ever been, and finally when you reach the top, you look over at the other mountains, you have Concorde this journey, now onto the next.

but this journey isn't a mountain, it's a volcano, your climbing to the top just to fall in to a trap, it's like being good at gambling, it's cool but you will lose everything in the process, even yourself.

Now people yell at me telling me how bad I am, how bad my work is, I am nothing fading away, and people just send me out the door, I'm am now a piece of ash floating in the water, fading away into nothing.

I now stand with 2 things, I haven't finished my amalgaphobia remake and need help with it, it's a clump of knots, a paradox, and I just want to get it finished.

The main thing I learned though, is it's not about that stupid and absurd checklist I had in mind, I came here to inspire others, and although I didn't see it, I would believe I did just that, when you go down a rabbit hole, you just don't know where and when to stop, but you can't keep going forever or it will kill you, greed as some would say.

I am person that is creatively minded, my flaws are that I can never appreciate my work, it's always about what others say and whats the next, my other flaw is that I always want recognition for my work, but I want people to say it naturally, which never happens.

I learned a lot from this, and I would love to share more things but, I don't want to be here forever, I already had to rewrite this twice, fully knowing nobody will ever read this, so thank you if you did.

Bon Voyage.

Mr.Unreliable.