Recent reviews by Rev the Cunt

I wish I could forget everything I knew about this game just so I could play it blind again.

Absolute f.ucking kino.

This game is Blood on crack. Amazing gameplay, gun roster where no weapon becomes obsolete by the end, dope soundtrack, some genuinely spooky moments, and set-pieces that even in its most ballbusting moments make you go "Well s.hit, this my life now.", in a good way. If you like retro shooters/boomer shooters/whatever you wanna call them, get CULTIC. It's probably the best one so far.

Don't let my playtime fool you, I fell in love with this game the moment I picked it up.

You kill an eldritch god from beyond the stars in a John Carpenter's The Thing inspired arctic research base in Episode 2.

The game has 5 episodes.

>load into a match
>grab a M16
>mission is to capture some remains of a house
>approach the building
>nothing
>kick open door
>3 masked guys inside with an AK
>miraculously survive
>clear out the building, PKM wielding guy at the end of a long corridor
>capture the building
>masked guys start pouring in
>mortar smoke strike fills the area with smoke
>fiddle with my gasmask trying to put it on
>hear a ringtone
>guy runs up to me with a suicide west through the smoke
>explode into chunks of organs
>this was just a local play bot match

10/10 would freedom again

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...All of the Dark Souls Fanboys that came here to say your game is better, kindly f.uck yourself and leave the room. I didn't write this to hear your constant whining about how this game is s.hit compared to DS, so take your hardcore fanboy autism elsewhere.

...They're gone?
...Good. Then Let's get started.

First: do I think this game is perfect?
F.uck no. It has a few noticable issues.

But do I recommend Salt and Sanctuary for you?
F.uck yes. Even if you hate games with the DS formula. This game is amazing, and I consider it a great entry to the genre for the beginners.

Salt and Sanctuary is a 2D RPG "Souls-like" Metroidvania game Published and Developed by Ska Games, heavily taking inspiration from Dark Souls, but changing the formula enough to not feel like a direct clone of the Souls games.

The story begins with you travelling aboard a ship on an escort mission (a princess is getting maried to end a conflict between two countries). Your ship is however attacked by pirates, and, when you get out onto the deck, F.UCKING CTHULHU HIMSELF. Nevermind the result of the encounter, you end up shipwrecked on an unknown island. This plot, however, quickly takes a backseat, and I'm not aware if it is ever resolved.

Now for the gameplay.

The game has four major differences from the Souls games that reinvent the genre in a fun and, dare I say it, more beginner friendly way.
First, the elephant in the room, the first thing you notice: the fact that this game is 2D. Salt and Sanctuary is slightly more Metroidvania than Dark Souls in its movement and combat, exchanging the more realistic movement of Souls like games for the Platforming Hack&Slash style of Symphony of Darkness and others that influenced the DS genre of games. This makes the game feel much faster and more agile than it's genre pioneers.

Second, The save points: like bonfires in Dark Souls, there are a bunch of chambers scattered throughout the world, called Sanctuaries.
At the beginning of the game, you get to choose from three out of seven "Creeds" that you can choose to follow, along with getting the Icon of this creed. Each Creed compliments different type of gameplay (one compliments Melee Heavy Armor builds, other Mages, etc.)
The Icon of your Creed is important, as with it you can claim vacant Sanctuaries for your Creed, allowing you to level up and save your progress inside.
Not all Sanctuaries are vacant though, each of the creeds have one Sanctuary occupied for themselves, so even if you aren't happy with your choice, you can still find another creed later and reconsider your choice. Or you can reclaim this Sanctuary for your creed in a couple of ways. Or you can do nothing, but visiting a sanctuary of a different creed isn't as beneficial for you as visiting your own creed.
The reason why that is is the second half of the Creed system: throughout the game you can find various stone sculptures throughout the game, which you can then offer at your Creed's sanctuary, and spawn in NPCs. This is important, as some of the other Creeds' NPCs won't work for you unless you take an Oath to their Creed. That, plus the Creeds also work on a Devotion system, meaning that you can turn in monster drops to the Leader type NPC of your Creed for rewards in form of items that you get at your sanctuary (either more healing/stamina potions, or elementary buffs for your weapons). But you'll only get those Devotion rewards from your Creed, meaning that any other creed will only give you your number of potions based on your skill tree. And now that we're talking about it...

Third: Skill tree. Unlike Dark Souls, where you just raise your stats, S&S has a skill tree that has Equipment unlocks, stat boosters, and health/energy potion upgrades. Unlike Dark Souls, where wielding a weapon is locked behind how high your stats are, S&S locks stronger weapons/armor sets behind Class unlocks, while stats only serve as a boost to your weapon's damage and the effectiveness of your Offensive/defensive skills (Prayers for clerics/paladins, Spells and Incantations for mages). Class unlocks also give you boosts to the stat that they most benefit from, which in my opinion solves the grinding aspect pretty well (apart from Endurance, but we'll get there, don't worry). All the offensive means the game presents you with are fun to use, although not all are created equal (again, I'll get there). As for the leveling process...

Fourth: The currency. S&S has two. Salt (DS fans, read "Souls"), and Gold.
I'm gonna keep this one short, because, frankly, there's not much to say here.
Salt functions the same as Souls: you level up with them, you upgrade your gear with them, and you transmute your gear with them, changing your weapon/armor piece into another of the same weapon/armor class. If you die, you lose all your salt, either spawning in a monster you have to kill to get it back (if you died because of fall damage), or is absorbed into the enemy that killed you, giving him a boost in HP. You die a second time without getting it back, you lose it forever.
Gold is what you buy s.hit with from vendors. Unlike Salt, however, you only lose 1/10 of your gold upon death that you cannot reclaim, as it is the payment an enigmatic wandering cleric takes for getting you to the last sanctuary you visited and reviving you. Simple as that.

These changes can be considered what I love most about the game, my biggest pros. However, while fun, this game has a few quite prominent issues that you run into, sooner or later.

First: the Endurance grind. much like DS, your character's movement speed is dependant on the number of your equip load. Endurance is the stat you level up to raise your maximum equip load. And if you're going for a heavy armor build, you're gonna GRIND THIS STAT. A LOT. Not so much for Class 1 Heavy Armor, but if you're going for Class 4/Class 5 armour sets, You're gonna have a awful time getting that Endurance to reasonable levels, because any movement over the 50 % equip load is basically playing with fire, because some enemies and bosses have split second reactions, and sometimes seem to know in advance what you're gonna do (plus, with one boss, the devs went "F.UCK IT, PUTTING A BULLET HELL BOSS IN.). Plus it can be a pain in the ass during the platforming parts as well. And in the end it will be all for nothing, because...

Second: balance issues. BIG balancing issues. Greatweapons are so f.ucking overpowered that they can make some bosses a f.ucking joke. ESPECIALLY GREATHAMMERS. I CAN BEAT A BOSS THAT GAVE ME HELL IN ONE TRY WITH A GREATHAMMER. IN ABOUT A MINUTE. All other classes have some holdbacks (lower damage, don't get good until late game...). Greatweapons, sadly, don't have this holdback.
And on the other side of the spectrum: Heavy Armor is s.hit. Heavy armor offers you only slightly better resistance than Light armor, and, again, you sacrifice your built because of Endurance grinding. It's better to sacrifice protection for speed and spend your Salt on something else.

Third, last, and while least severe, still pretty huge flaw: no online Multiplayer. Apart from leaving messages behind (a staple of the genre), only local Co-Op. No invasions. No online Co-Op. nothing.

But apart from those flaws, there is a wonderfull and fun experience here. The weaker weapon types aren't to weak to be considered useless, and playing with them is in my opinion more fun, as it gives you the trademark challenge Souls genre is known for. The enemies and bosses are interesting (not ground breaking though), and overall the game is a blast from the beggining to end.

Salt&Sanctuary: 7/10

Sword with Sauce is a early access indie action stealth game developed by Diatomic Studios about a red guy killing black guys across three maps and three game modes (so basically SUPERHOT in reverse, har har). Maybe you're thinking "that's all?".

Yes it is, but there's three reasons why

YOU

SHOULD BUY

THIS GAME

First: the addictive gameplay.

This game makes you feel like A ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ NINJA. Your character, while being really fragile (evened out by regenarating health) moves like a parkour champion- you can wall run, wall jump, climb to higher platforms, YOU NAME IT.

This agility is complimented by an arsenal of gadgets: you have your standart "throw it and it kills people" gadgets like shuriken, sleeping "coma" darts, grenades (explode on impact, so don't get too happy with them) poisonous gas grenades etc., but also a few gadgets that can help you detect your enemies, and last, but certainly not least, a few gadgets for expanding your mobility, for example, the grappling hook, AKA the best gadget in the game (seriously it never leaves my arsenal).

Then there are the four main weapons you can choose on from to start with (+shotgun, but you have to take it from a dead corpse): the titular Sword, the Bow (you have to waste a slot in your inventory for a quiver with arrows though), the obligatory Assault rifle, and a FREAKING CAPTAIN AMERICA SHIELD. All of these weapons have their ups and downs, and all of them are fun to use (especially the Bow, the Sword and the Shield)

Another awesome thing is its aproach. Yes you can be stealthy, but you can also go in guns blazing, arrows flying, swords clashing, and both of the aproaches are balanced out to the point where I can safely say that both are equally difficult and challenging, enough to not be easy (even now I still can't finish a level without dying), but not too much to be frustrating.

And if you get to the point were you think it IS easy, then there's the two other modes, the ninja mode (don't let enemies know you're there. Literally. As in, IF A GUY FINDS A CORPSE, IT'S GAME OVER) and the survival mode (classic waves of enemies mode), that you can try out.

Second: it's in its Alpha stage.
This game is in its earliest stages right now. If you get it, you can try getting your own suggestions to the developers in the discussion section, and can take part in creating a great experience for you, and others, to enjoy. So jump on now, so that you won't be frustrated later with changes you don't like!

Third: IT'S F.UCKING THREE BUCKS ON STEAM. YOU WASTED MONEY ON STUPIDER S.HIT THAN THIS.

As for negatives:

I myself have not encountered any game crashing bugs during my playthrough. When you die in water and click the button to respawn in the same place, it LITERALLY places you above the water you drowned in, but that's basic logic. Devs however, should they ever read this review, could change it so that you respawn to the closest place where it's safe.

As for enemy AI, well... it's a little dumb, as losing you from their sights can result in them to start searching for you, something that you can achieve by simply circling around them. I however find it hilarious and it reminds of Jackie Chan moments when Jackie's behind an enemy and just keeps moving so that he doesn't get spotted.

So in conclusion, SWS is a badass, cheap (not in a bad way) and fun game that you should get now, while it's still in its Alpha stage.

Swords With Sauce 10/10

TL;DR Version: Understand that you are not going to play this game for a complex story. Or a great reward at the end. You are going to play this for the feeling of acomplishment after being done with this game. Because honestly- that's the best thing you'll get.


Long Version:
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F.uck you, Spooky Squid Games. F.uck you for that ending level- I never raged so hard at a game before.
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But ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ is this a great game.
They Bleed Pixels (AKA PIS5! CUN7! B1TCH! AAAAASS!) is a platforming game developed by Spooky Squid Games heavily influenced by lovecraftian horror (please take notice that the reviewer has never read any of H.P. Lovecraft's books) and old hard as balls NES games. To quote a review of Dark Souls: "You will DIE. A LOT."

Story follows a young unnamed girl who I named Lily (why? I don't know honestly, it kind of fits to me), who's dropped at "Lafcadio Academy for Troubled Young Ladies" private school. One day Lily finds a weird book in the library, and begins to read it in the evening. In her following dreams she dreams of being a weird demon hybrid of herself disfiguring other monsters in worlds like out of the head of H.P. Lovecraft. However, in the morning she finds that her dreams are starting to affect her. I won't tell more about the story, but let me tell you, don't expect any MGS or Mass Effect depth of story.

Gameplay consists of the dreams Lily finds herself in. While her control scheme might seem really simple at the beginning, you'll find (either to your aproval or disaproval) that the difficulty of the game is not at all in the controls, but in player's SKILL of using them and the ENVIROMENT around you.
The levels will start out relatively easy, but will end up being hard as all hell unleashed (especially the last level. OH GOD THAT LAST LEVEL...).
The checkpoint mechanic in the game is really neat: your combos and points you gather throughout the levels fill up a special meter at your disposal. When full, you can make your OWN checkpoints anywhere... AS LONG as it is on solid ground, and in a certain distance from enemies or traps.
Other than that, this game does NOT hold your hand: traps differ from short spikes that take away one of three hit points you have per life, long INSTA-KILL spikes, to buzzsaws that are annoying when there's one but are complete and f.ucking AS.SHOLES in groups.
Enemies come in four/five types (the game does not give them names so I made up my own [EDIT: THE GAME DOES GIVE THEM NAMES IN THE ACHIEVEMNTS]):
Walkers: slow guys that attack you with extendable blades and block after you hit them a few times. Around 6-8 HP, not sure.
Squids: small flying squids that charge you like bullets. Annoying during hard platforming sections. 1 HP.
Gremlins: little guys armed with either swords or bombs. 1 HP
Bomb variant: Suicide bombers. They charge you and try to explode close to you so they can blow you up. Can be useful in fights to kill more enemies at once.
Sword variant: these guys are hard to kill, and are never a good sign, ESPECIALLY in small corridors where you can't jump. Best disposal method is to jump and use the downards attack while they are on the ground. The problem is that they know this attack as WELL, and love to use it. Only positive thing about them is their low HP.
Samara: oh god no. This ghost with long hair is here to do one thing, and one thing only: RUIN YOUR EFFIN' DAY. She is relentless, can fly through walls, has 7 HP, and teleports if you attack her with more than two times in a row. Method of survival: find a piece of ground without traps, and deal with her on ground. YOU CANNOT KILL HER IN AIR. I TRIED. AND THE DAMN LAST LEVEL OF THE GAME MAKES YOU FIGHT THREE OF THEM IN A ROW, WHILE CLINGING TO A WALL OVER A PIT OF F.UCKING BUZZSAWS AND SPIKES. WITHOUT A CHECKPOINT. GOOD LUCK AS.SHOLE.
A nice thing is that levels actually resemble their respective background- for example, one level looks like a giant grandfather clock from the inside- huge gears and such. The actual platforms you'll be jumping on will be gears as well. And this counts for all levels. Nice detail.
The game offers two difficulties- Novice, which is kind of the same as Normal, but with the exception that you can't access the last level of the game (AND FOR GOOD REASONS), and you only have to finish the level in order to move on.
Normal difficulty. That's where the shi.ts at. Only here will your progress be tracked, and only here can you get achievents for such things as combos, enemies killed with one attack, etc. Here you can access the last level (which I mentioned a few times already). Here you also get an optional objective: collect the secret Book of Blades pages scattered throughout the level (6/level). At the beggining, like with the levels themselves, they are... well not easy but let's say not as hard as it may seem. But later... The first problem is that sometimes you run through a level, realize you do not have 2-3 pages, and your initial reaction is "WHERE IN THE DAMN HELL COULD THEY BE!?!?". Yes, sometimes, even finding them can be hard. And in the later levels, getting them is not a challenge anymore- it's a damn suicide mission.

I have to mention the last level.
OH. MY. GOD. If you are not prepared, this level will F.UCKING DESTROY YOUR MIND. It will throw every obstacle you had to endure at you, with a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ fighting marathon at the end. AND THAT'S NOT EVEN THE HARDEST PART. THE HARDEST PART IS THE ONE WITH THE ELEVATING PLATFORM SHORTLY BEFORE IT- IT MADE ME RAGE SO HARD, I LITTERALLY ALMOST RIPPED MY HAIR OUT IN FRUSTRATION.

BUT ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ IS IT A GREAT GAME.
This is one of the games that gives you the determination to go on, to try just one more time, and never give up. The kind of game that makes you celebrate just getting through a tough part. The kind of game that makes you sattisfied with your relentlessness at the end of the level. The moment I finished that god forsaken level was one of the best moments I ever experienced in a game.

The pixel art and graphics are really great and original, one of the best I've seen in a while.
The music is awesome and I'm considering buying the OST, although it's not my type of music.

...Sigh... But do I recommend this game?
I want to, I REALLY WANT TO... but this is a kind of game that only the hardcore fans of platforming will enjoy. Altough I fell in love with the game, I can't deny my rage that made me ragequit several times before finishing it.
... But I finished it. Two times in fact.(both difficulties) I can't say that about other games I like more and don't frustrate me as much.

...I RECOMMEND IT.
Understand that you are not going to play this game for a complex story. Or a great reward at the end. Or some epic boss fight at the end (No bosses in this game). YOU are going to play this game, so that when you are done, you can pat yourself on the back and say "I beat They Bleed Pixels.". No great celebration. No big reward. Only you. Your pc. and the glorious feeling of acomplishment after beating that god forsaken final level.

I realise that I haven't said everything about the game (Concept art unlocks, Bonus levels...), but It's currently 2:12 AM in my country, and I just finished the game, and felt the need to write this review.

Great job Spooky Squid Games. But seriously- F.UCK you for that last level


They Bleed Pixels: 8/10

Now if you'll excuse me, my bed is calling me. AND I BETTER NOT BE ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ CTHULHU WHEN I WAKE UP!!!

Yes I did it, fanboys. I don't recommend CS:GO to anyone, so suck it up. Does that mean the game is bad? Hell effin' no.

Counter Strike: Global Offensive (CS:GO for short) is a continuation of one of the most famous Valve franchises ever. When people say Valve, most immediately think of terrorists, counter-terrorists, and famous maps like de_dust 1 or 2, de_aztec, and others.

This review is written from the view of a casual gamer, although I would probably still fanboy over CS 1.6. Hardcore gamers will probably find some of my arguments stupid, but that doesn't bug me in the slightest.

Graphically speaking, the game looks great. Don't get me wrong, it's no Alien: Isolation or Metro 2033, but it's not bad. It's a great step up from the older titles.

Gameplay, to the eye of a casual player, will look the same as the previous versions. you get a pistol, you earn money throughout the matches of planting/defusing bombs, or hostage rescue missions, and you spend them on your main weapon, other pistols, grenades, etc. Those are the classic game modes this game offers.
Along with them come two new modes: Arms Race (AKA Gun Game), and Deathmatch (Team Deathmatch only, to be precise).
The standard game modes can be played in two modes: Casual (Where you get armor/defusal kit at the beginning of a match for free, with friendly fire turned off...) and Competitive (You have to buy anything, friendly fire on...). Basically, the easy version and the version older players are accustomed to. As the name says, in Competitive you compete for advancement in the rank system this game offers. At first look it may be useless to the casual player who doesn't care because he only plays with his friends for fun, but it's actually usefull if you play without them, as to know how much you're ♥♥♥♥♥♥ when a good player appears.

My complains with the game itself are really minor and are mostly about the gameplay. I've allways found the idea of sniper rifles in Counter Strike games really stupid for a game with so small maps, and it isn't different here. Yeah, I'm taking a Sugar Honey Iced Tea on the AWP.

All in all, It's a good game, and earns a solid 8/10 from me.

... So why do I not recommend it?
Simple. One word describes all of my problems with this game.

COMMUNITY.
This is, by far, the SECOND WORST GAMING COMMUNITY I'VE EVER SEEN (With the first place going to LoL). And NO, I'm not talking about russians. I'm talking about the fact that:
1)There are only few types of gamers in this community: Trolls, Squeakers, try-hard pros, pros playing with casual players so they can boost their damaged egos over the fact that a troll got them killed and a ten year old squeakers know their mothers' vags better than they had the chance to know when being pushed out of it, hackers and 'hackers' (you know, the guys so good at shooting with AWP that everybody thinks they're cheating)...
2) THIS COMMUNITY IS AS STRAIGHT THINKING AS SHEEP. ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ competitive players everywhere telling to "play with AWP, M4, AK47 or GTFO", telling me how to play when to play. I'm not talking about Competitive matches, I'm talking about situations as when my classmate tells me to pick a different gun when playing Deathmatch with BOTS. I don't give a damn about how M4 is a better weapon, I'm better with AUG, leave me alone!

This community is so toxic and foul, that if it was a corpse of a kid, a necrofilic pedophile rapist would gag at the sight of it.

Counter Strike: Global offensive is a great game. But hell no am I ever playing it again.

There was a time when people asked: "What would it look like if Minecraft got mixed with...?". Sometimes, the outcome of such a mix sounded good on a paper, but looked bad when it actually came out.

With that said, Unturned isn't such a case.

I will start by saying that this game probably reminds people of Minecraft only because of the shape of the heads of either the zombies or the players, but that's about it. I would probably say it's a mix of Stranded 2 (another great survival game) and DayZ. The outcome is a game that's both fun, fairly challenging, and good enough to keep you going for hours, heck, days even in my case. People may find the attachments and clip reloading system a bit weird, complicated, and too long in case of being attacked by zombies in the middle of town, but this game mostly focuses on realism (I say mostly because you don't have to sleep in this game for example).

The survival elements are done really well, making me actually think like a zombie apocallypse survivor, not as a crazed gunman killing left and right. In singleplayer, it's not that noticable, but in Multiplayer you'll notice really quick, mainly on the start off the game after server restart. Sometimes you just have to let go a chance to get an awesome weapon because if you don't, you'll end up dead because you died of hunger.

Weaponry is well balanced in this game, allthough I would recommend lowering the spawn rate and chance of certain meelee weapons (found three fireaxes in one fire station), But that's about it. Guns are fun to run around with, although I tend to never use a gun before finding (or crafting) a silencer.

Multiplayer is great, I especially love the way how the host can turn PvP on/off, because although I hate killing my friends in a game, I understand that for some it's enjoyable.

I usually don't try to search for any dirt on a game i take liking to, but since this is an objective review, I have to.

Sneaking is mostly pointless. NOT BROKEN, just pointless. Once you get a meelee weapon with a long range, it's easy to fight off zombies without getting hurt. Plus, you have to invest a LOT of points into the Sneakybeaky skill to make sneaking effective.

With proper tools, namely pickaxe, axe, hammer, saw and campfire, scavenging for building materials is pointless as well. Metal scrap can be made from rocks, and wood can be obtained even easier.

In the end, Unturned is a game that offers hours upon hours of fun, both in Singleplayer and Multiplayer, is one of the best survival games out there, and most of all, IT'S COMPLETELY FREE. Sure, gold account gets you better loot, but honestly- I didn't have problems finding good items even without it.

Unturned: 9/10