Dear Match.com “Partner”
After mass email mailings you have my attention. I would like to join your site but most of the time I try not to use dating sites that are so big and well known. See a few months ago I was a member of a dating website and all nine girls I dated came up missing. The police thought it was me and it was clearly not me. You know I’m telling you the truth because you cannot post lies on the internet. I told the cops it was just bad luck on my part that they found 2 female’s pocketbooks at my house. I mean really how unlucky is that I sure you can understand as a caring public citizen like me. So please make me a dating profile and send me all the winks you want. Here is a little about me to help you with my dating profile.

Gender: Large male
Eyes: Brown
Hair: I have to change this often but now it’s black
Height: 78in
Favorite Color: I’m going say Black as I love how it hides me in dark corners and shadows.

Favorite cologne or perfume: chloroform I love the sweet smell

Job: Mortician, Over the years I’ve come to love working with people that don’t yell and scream when I touch them.

Hobbies: I like making love notes from cutting words out of magazines; watching people when they don’t know that I’m watching them; learning new ways to get rid of things I no longer want.

Favorite Car: I’m not sure I’ve had so many over the years, I would just say I love all cars with large trunks because I like to carry things in them.

Favorite Dating Spots: I’m not a real friendly guy so I like places with few or no people and very limited lighting. I’m just not the kind of guy that wants to be on camera, but I don’t mind if my female wants to be on camera as I have some of those now stored in a safe place.

Favorite Music: Beethoven Moonlight Sonata, It keeps me calm in stressful times like once when I was almost caught doing something I can’t talk about here.

Turn On: Dark areas, Crying, Duck tape, Rope, Handcuffs and females missing arms or legs.

Best Match for you: I like females that are not strong and can’t really fight, I’m not big on families so I love females that don’t have many family members or friend that look for them. I mean stay in constant contact you know what I mean.