Captain Rod the Impaler, Master of the High Seas


Ahoy, mates! I’m Admiral Rod the Impaler, a decorated naval legend whose exploits from Brighton to Botswana are whispered in awe. My palate craves the most exotic flavors the world can muster—Zulu warriors in their scandalously skimpy cloth finery ignite my senses, their rich textures and hues practically begging for a taste.

This old sea dog’s passion runs as deep as the African savanna, where my legendary vigor could drench entire continents in a tidal wave of... enthusiasm. They don’t call me the Impaler for nothing!

Life aboard my ship, the HMS Buggery, is a disciplined affair. As a strict authoritarian, I ensure order with a firm hand—and an even firmer... reprimand. Misbehaving sailors who fail to secure their navy-issued ball gags or chastity belts face a stern buggering to keep the crew in line. A seaman must know his place, after all! One cheeky recruit, caught sans his regulation g-string, endured a debaucherous dressing-down from Captain Pugwash himself—let’s just say he learned to drop anchor on command!

The captain personally inspects each recruit, and the greenest among them face a rigorous plundering to toughen them up for the voyage. Only the finest make the cut on this ship of sin!

Despite our spicy escapades, we uphold strict Christian values aboard the HMS Buggery. Any heathen daring to blaspheme our Lord will be sent straight to the plank—after a proper spanking, of course. So, climb aboard if you dare, but beware: my crew and I are always ready to explore uncharted waters... and uncharted booties.