GRASS MONKE THAT FUNKE MONKE
 
 
Far away in the depths of space. One world lies in an undistinguished sector of an obscure spiral arm on its tortuous passage through the vast, encompassing cosmos.
Long ago, when an early galaxy began to pour light out into the surrounding darkness, no witness could have known that billions of years later, some remote clumps of meat would fall together to make a place made entirely of meat called the Meat Planet. An interstellar, gastronomic delicacy.
From this distant vantage point, the Meat Planet might not seem of any particular interest. An obscure and solitary lump suspended in a sunbeam. And yet, it is a giant planet with an interior of liquid beef and pork into which a thousand Earths would fit.
It was formed 15 billion years ago when an early god exploded or something at 40,000 miles an hour. Ages rolled by. The clumps of meat slowly condensed into a sphere, speeding in its orbit around its star. From your orbital perspective, you can see that something has unmistakably gone wrong: methane seeps out of the insane, bovine globe as it placidly revolves around its star. We can readily see overweight, brown continents and rivers of blood, generating a vast stain on the surrounding oceans of liquid meat.
As you look with finer and finer definition, the planet is revealed to be overflowing with meat, glued to it by gravity. The soaring, volcanic meat mountains, the fierce gastrointestinal habits, the sky red even at high noon. The two dark, potato-shaped moons. A cloud-covered place with an atmosphere of corrosive flatulence. There are canyons with goosebumps kilometers deep which stand forth in naked and simple beauty.
When you examine the continents more closely, you find something unusual. The Meat Planet is about half-covered with fresh meat. There are processes whereby new meat is created, and then burned to a crisp by the sun.
Our species has discovered many other indications that the planet is geologically active. We have found vast, volcanic emanances that dwarf the highest mountain on Earth. The famous, gigantic pork volcano: Mount Sustenance, well known to astronomers since the time of Galileo. The inside of these volcanic wounds are above the melting point of bacon. On an average day Mount Sustenance pours out lovely melted pork in vast amounts. Would it be enriched by adding spices? No one can say.
During the viking robotic missions, we probed the planet with knives and forks, and we found telltale signatures of meat-based chemical composition. Yet, when the spacecraft leaped back to the earth with a modest piece of an extraterrestrial steak, it was swallowed by a corrupt politician drawn by a craving he can scarcely articulate or understand. Who among us cannot sympathize?
Looking at this spectacle of nature, of course we're tempted to shut our eyes and pretend that the Meat Planet is only a bad dream. And yet, tides of meat continue to ebb and flow across the planet at this very moment. Every time I think about it... it sends a chill down my spine. I am tormented with an everlasting itch to touch the rippling, warm surface. The Meat Planet still softly calls, like a nearly-forgotten song of childhood.
Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the universe, are challenged by this Meat Planet, grossly rotating in the great vacuum between the stars.
We have good reason for humility.
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Lasagna 25 Jan, 2016 @ 7:49pm 
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Lasagna 26 Aug, 2015 @ 10:00am 
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Gremlin Wants Your Ketamine 22 Aug, 2015 @ 4:41pm 
NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION
Gremlin Wants Your Ketamine 21 Apr, 2015 @ 9:11am 
<:::::[]=¤༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ノ I am the knight of spamerino. Stand back foul moderino <:::::[]=¤༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ノ
Gremlin Wants Your Ketamine 21 Apr, 2015 @ 9:11am 
<:::::[]=¤༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ノ I am the knight of spamerino. Stand back foul moderino <:::::[]=¤༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ノ
Gremlin Wants Your Ketamine 21 Apr, 2015 @ 9:11am 
<:::::[]=¤༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ノ I am the knight of spamerino. Stand back foul moderino <:::::[]=¤༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ノ