Rule #1:
Always criticise your mates for every mistake.
We all know, that you're far better than anyone else on the pitch and you deserve a much higher rank. You are stuck in a lower Rank because of bad mates. Everyone knows, that by blaming your mates or even better, insulting them, they should be motivated to play better. Typical phrases are "git gud", "you ♥♥♥♥", "kill yourself", "ez" or "why do I always end up with bad mates"

Rule #2:
You may think the Quick Chat is used for communication, making compliments and exchanging information: Thats wrong.
Quick chat is used for sarcasm only, against your opponents and your mates. Whenever someone fails to save a shot, immediately spam "What a Save!" Also, don't forget to spam "Nice Shot!" when you score a goal and "Holy Cow" if nothing special happens, just because. If you're not able to understand sarcasm, you're not allowed to play the game.

Rule #3:
You are the best. You don't make mistakes. If you still do, which is impossible, ignore that and use Rule #1

Rule #4:
If your opponents score the first goal with 4 min left, immediately press the forfeit button, just because.

Rule #5:
Always chase the ball. As you're the best player, it is absolutely necessary to always follow the ball. It's your responsibility to touch the ball whenever you can and your mates job, to defend the goal.

Rule #6:
Points matter. Everyone knows, that if you have the highest points at the end of the match, you are also the best player. If you don't end up as MVP, use Rule #3.

Rule #7:
Wasteland and Neo Tokyo ♥♥♥♥. Do not forget to mention how bad these maps are whenever you can and that they need to be removed immediately. It's absolutely intolerable to play on maps who are different, because it's impossible to get used to them, even for a Rocket-League God such as yourself.

Rule #8:
Grab every boost you can. It's very important to grab every 100-boost-pad you can find, especially the ones in your own corners. if your mates are low on boost, ♥♥♥♥ them, its their own fault and they ♥♥♥♥ anyways. Grabbing boost is more important than anything else, everyone knows that.

Rule #9:
If you bump your teammates then it's because they were standing in your way. How dare they to block your path? Keep bumping them after your first bump to show them who's the boss.

Rule #10:
PC players are way better than console players, they just ♥♥♥♥. It's recommended to use the quick chat to insult them as they can't read what you write.

Rule #11:
Everytime you score a goal you have to do the dab just to get the irl stylepoints aswell. Otherwise you wont become the next Rocket League god.