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I thought we had something special you told me i was the one but then you played games with someone else you told me i was the one you have shattered my heart to a million pieces you cheating bastard

i ♥♥♥♥♥♥ love you and it breaks my heart when i see you play with someone else or anyone commenting in your profile i just want to be your boyfriend and put a heart in my profile linking to your profile and have a walltext of you commenting cute things i want to play video games talk in discord all night and watch a movie together but you just seem so uninterested in me it ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ kills me and i cant take it anymore i want to remove you but i care too much about you so please i'm begging you to either love me back or remove me and NEVER contact me again it hurts so much to say this because i need you by my side but if you don't love me then i want you to leave because seeing your icon in my friendlist would kill me everyday of my pathetic life

I accidentally cut off my scrotum (Please help!!!!!!!)
Oh God, I miss my wee nards so much that it hurts.

So it all started when I was playing with my pocket knife in the shower, and then I got the urge to *ahem* "bash my bologna." I forgot I was holding the damn thing because I have a .00002 second attention span due to excessive Roblox playing, and sure enough, I cut it off. After I did that, I screamed like a little ♥♥♥♥ and ran out of the shower, with my severed sack o' potatoes in my right hand, and tried to reattach it. I ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ tried everything: duct tape, scotch tape, painter's tape, and my own ♥♥♥ as an adhesive. Has this happened to anyone else before? How do you reattach a scrotum to your body? PLEASE HELP!!!!

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Is that a glock in your pocket or are you just happy to see me