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The original joke review has been removed for the sake of having more space for the actual review. It can be viewed here (shout-out to Tony for archiving it):
http://i.imgur.com/Mz88uTx.jpg

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Edit on July 31st, 2016:
Okay, fun's over. Since no one else has reviewed it (at the time of writing), I'm giving it the recommendation it *should* have. It's a bad game. I know this, and you know this. Little to do, music is grating, models and environment just aren't appealing. I also actually got stuck behind one of the "mountains" because I accidentally teleported too far past it and couldn't teleport back. Only way to get back at this point is to delete my save, not that I'd be losing much to begin with.

Also, I recieved it for free as a joke gift. But the actual asking price is atrocious.

Anyway, dev, if you read this, please put more effort into the game. A fun game can look "bad" and still be fun (although in VR it's a different story, you should still make it look at least palatable). Make it unique and worth the asking price, don't just drop the bare minimum of assets and what constitutes a "game" into a scene, charge $6, and expect anything good to come of it. Ask the community for feedback, for help, just make it known that you're wanting to improve. Just put forth the effort and you can make a game you can be proud of, and worth the $6 price tag.

Until then, though, I do not recommend this game. It is not fun to play, nor is it even worth showing to friends and family. My 1.8 hours is from idling just to play off the joke review, which I really shouldn't have joked about in the first place.

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Edit for August 11th, 2016:
It appears the dev actually took the criticisms to heart and actually improved the game, so I feel obligated to update my review once more to reflect the changes that were made. The creepy, lifeless cartoon rabbit from before has been replaced with a dog instead, which is a step up and a great replacement. You pick your dog from a cabin instead of pure darkness. The arbitrary gardening system was removed entirely, replaced now with just a food dispenser (although what happens when you inevitably run out of money remains a mystery to me, as there's no apparent way to regain this money nor have I played the update long enough to find out). The music has also been replaced; the original loop from before plays at the beginning but no longer plays through the entire game.
So do I recommend it? Despite the improvements, I still don't recommend it. While an improvement over the original, there's still much to be desired. The dog doesn't animate at all, the scenery is lacking in many regards, and right now you can only play fetch, wash it, and feed it. You just wait and respond to the next thought bubble. If you want to play fetch with a dog, you can play fetch with the robot dog from The Lab for free. There just isn't enough here to justify the price.
However, while I don't recommend the game, the dev has taken the criticisms well (from what I remembered seeing in the forums, at least). Personally I believe the fact that the dev is listening to feedback and is trying to improve the game is admirable. Unfortunately I think the decision to purge the forums for the new version of the game is questionable at best, and would have been a better decision to ask the users to see the newer version of the game instead of removing the criticisms from before the update.

Pressing alt + enter repeatedly lets you skip the annoying voices at the beginning and everywhere else in the game.

You're welcome.

Like many others, I abandoned Payday 2 after the mess that was Crimefest 2015. Even when they rolled back on their decisions, I still stood my ground and refused to play it for nearly two years.

I decided to play it now, originally to prepare for the VR Beta and get familiar with the game again, but playing it in non-vr has re-kindled the spirit of fun I had with the game so long ago. Some balance changes were made, but after a quick search you can get back to your usual bullet-dodging, helmet-popping self with some slight playstyle adjustments. It seems Overkill has made more than enough effort to fix a game they hold dear to them, and it shows.

Unfortunately, the game still suffers from problems. While the community is still sort of fractured from missing DLCs that their friends have, the Ultimate Edition for a lot of people is still expensive, and to add insult to injury, a weapon in the one-down meta is only available from owning a specific DLC that you cannot purchase separately now and must buy the complete edition for. New players won't have these issues, but for those of us who have been playing since the beginning, it's hard to justify.

Forget about playing with randoms unless you're hosting. If you do so much as play as the wrong character and the host doesn't like it, you'll get kicked. The community is bizarre and exclusionary for the most strange reasons, it's a miracle anyone manages to play with pubs on a regular basis.

And of course, it just wouldn't be Payday if the game didn't crash all the time (and especially near the end of a heist). The game has several technical problems from years ago that Overkill will swear up and down that they've fixed such as crashing when being tazed, low FPS in several heists, or often, just crashing out of the blue. Overkill spends so much time adding literal memes to the game that (used to) result in 8GB updates every couple of weeks, but fixing the game's bugs is just too out of the way for them, apparently.

It's frustrating. It's infuriating. It's unfair. Yet through all of this, it still manages to be fun, and they keep adding more content. I don't know how they do it.

Overall, worth playing with friends, worth picking up on a sale, but the time you spend getting kicked from lobbies, restarting after a crash, or struggling to complete a heist because you didn't buy that one DLC years ago might be better spent elsewhere until Overkill reaches the end of Payday 2's development cycle and fixes the most common problems, which will probably be within the next year or so.

Unload half an LMG clip into someone, and you'll be killed with a single shotgun shell from 30 meters away.
Run into a field, and you'll get shot by a sniper.
Spawn, blown up by an Apache.
Spawn again, sniped by someone behind your base.
Join the wrong team, and they'll all be snipers and hide in the bushes while the other team caps everything with ease.
Try sniping on the attacking team, hide in a bush, get sniped from across the map by someone spamming Q until the red marker shows up above your head.
Fly a helicopter, you'll get blown up with rockets before you even leave the ground.
Drive a tank, and you'll get C4'd within the minute.
Ride in the passenger of a tank, and your driver will drive over a mine.
Blow someone to smithereens with an RPG, and their friend will defibrilate them before shooting you down.
Run into cover while being shot at, only to have the lag catch up and kill you while you're in a safe spot.
60+fps at all times, but never have a ping below 250.

And that's just on a good day. A regular day, in Battlefield. If you can look past all that and play with a large group of close friends that won't trash talk you after killing you with a tank, then it's a very enjoyable multiplayer game.

It's the most engrossing story about squares helping squares fit inside squares since Tetris.

This is my first Ys game. I reviewed it back in 2012 or so, but reviewed it before I finished the game which just didn't feel right to me. After seven years I finally went back and finished it, so now I'm taking another crack at reviewing it. It's an old game, so did it hold up after all this time?

Putting it simply: Yes. It's good. The combat is fast and satisfying; the combo system encourages you to be as aggressive as possible to earn the most XP. The game very rarely slows down to force you through any long boring segments (except for the unskippable cutscenes). The RPG elements are light and almost seem like they don't affect anything at certain points, but leveling up a few times and breezing through earlier parts of the game where you previously struggled feels really satisfying.

Come for the gameplay, stay for the music. There really are some nice jams in this game, especially in the mines and outside Redmont. It's a mix-mash of classical music, techno, and metal that sounds bizarre on paper, but actually ends up being really catchy. None of the songs in the game ever felt annoying, and I even found myself humming a few tunes when I wasn't playing the game.

It has its downsides, but they're not even that bad. The story is basically only there to move the game along and the level design is painfully simple and linear. Bosses have massive difficulty spikes compared to the rest of the game, but even then, they aren't unbeatable. I think the difficulty spikes are fine though, they're exist to remind you to actually focus instead of just mindlessly slashing through the rest of the game.

One issue worth knowing isn't with the game itself, but with the port. It's a good port, gives plenty of options for resolution, controls, etc. But since the game is so old, it may be slightly incompatible with newer versions of Windows. At times, the graphics bugged out really badly and I couldn't continue playing, but I was able to circumvent this by playing the game in DirectX 8 mode instead which worked just fine and didn't have an issue with for the rest of the game.

Overall, it's a good game. It's still worth playing today if you want a break from other games in the ARPG genre or haven't played the other Ys games. If the sequels are even remotely comparable to this one, then I'm sure they'll be just as good if not better.