"I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming!" --Mitch Hedberg

"I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks, and it was way too literal for me." --Mitch Hedberg

"Every time I go shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving right now. So I just say to my roommates, 'I'm gonna go shave, too!'" --Mitch Hedberg

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing!" --Emo Philips

"One time I got in a fight with a really big guy. He said to me, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face!'
I said, 'You'll be sorry!'
He said, 'Oh yeah? Why?'
I said, 'Because you won't be able to get into the corners very well!'"
--Emo Philips

"Outisde of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
--Groucho Marx

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