Recent reviews by The Cockslapper

Nice car, horrible assignments.

Remains a lovely game, for sure worth the couple of dollars on sale.

Titled: 'The crying dollar'

Prologue/authors notes:
I despise this game with amounts I foresaw humanly impossible. How can this game take the worst f*cking elements of every racing game ever and combine it into one?

Graphics: Forza Horizon 2 was better then this ♥♥♥♥.
Open world: Is exactly that, 'open', like a damned wasteland in Fallout
AI: Rubberbands like it's some alternate NFS Underground era all over again.
Quantity over quality: Of course we need 750+ items to grind for.

Vehicles:
-Airplanes: Them ballers pull 30G and could commit multiple mass crimes before getting destroyed.
-Sport Cars: Semi-okay driver assisted land boats.
-Dirt bikes: Can accelerate at an angle of 70 degrees?
-Rally cars: Hopeless sand boats, the bigger the spoiler the harder the ai slaps. Steering is weird
-Drift cars: Just as low grossing as Tokyo Drift in 2006, feels very forced.
-Boat races: Handles better then most cars but seems to permanently suffer from 'permanent hurricane' syndrome, in which the speed varies wildly for jackshaft reasons.

Upgrades: It doesn't matter which car you choose, it'll all result in the same 'end stage' performance levels. Of course you can't buy them and have to unlock them FOR EVERY SUCKING CAR.

Currencies: 'Because we're tighter than bark on a tree'

UI: Generic mobile game vibes from this one, nothing makes sense. Everything takes ages to load and there's no good menu's. God forbid you have to reset because the game suddenly decides to utilize it's 4th dimension physics again.

If there's one positive to mention then it's the great story, all I vaguely remember is loading screens and 'HOLD ESC FOR 10 MINUTES' to continue. 10/10 would skip again. At least there's no bugs, they prefer to manifest in games that are worthwhile. (I'd be an honor if the player no clipped away while the game tries to save you by crashing, or, if a car gets stuck in a barrier, so you don't have to experience the steering any longer.'

Conclusion:
Please shut them servers down already, may god let the players see the light, let this abomination die.

Yours sincerely,
The slapper

Clappin' balloons, scamming your friends with sun gods that destruct everything. 10/10 would play again.

♥♥♥♥♥♥ mobile game

Ah, nothing quite like a nostalgia for childhood.

Enjoyable

My city keeps gettin' slapped by an economic & humanitarian crisis, exactly as would happen if I became the mayor in reality.
10/10, would kill my city again.

Ey, it's better than playing nothing.

Very relaxing