Dead man

! ! ! ATTENTION 2003 KIDS ! ! ! This 👇 is the last year of being a kid 👦👧! Because NEXT 👉YEAR! We gon be T33N4G3RS💁💅!! PARTYING 🎉💃 DRINKING 🍻🍸🍹🍷 MAKING OUT AND SEX 👅💦O_O PERIODS ☹🍫 HEARTBREAKS 💔☹ MIDDLE SCHOOL SOPHOMORES (7️⃣TH GRADE)

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　　　　　　　/::::::::::::;ゝ--──-- ､._/::::::::::::|
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　　　　` ､　　/⌒⌒i　　　/⌒ヽ　　　 　 　 　/
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hey dude, i know you've been busy alot but i really want to hang out sometime we can go to the movies or to the park,if you're ok with that. I just really want to hang out, it's not like its gonna be a date or anything...unless you want it to be. sorry, i didnt mean that, dont take that wrong, just...text me if you want to do anything over the weekend. see you later xoxo

Please be advised that your butt is now under new management. There may be some temporary disruption to normal services in the takeover process. However, we feel confident that this is for the best. Previous management took an inordinately long time processing the request to be penetrated by my benis, and with the recent rise of futanari immigrants claiming butts, it was determined that this matter needed to be resolved rapidly. Accordingly, we have proposed and accepted a new deal. Stand by for your butt to be acquired. I know it may hurt but this is really for the best.

Gomenasai, my name is Ken-Sama
I'm a 27 year old American Otaku (Anime fan for you gaijins). I draw Anime and Manga on my tablet, and spend my days perfecting my art and playing superior Japanese games. (Disgaea, Final Fantasy, Persona series)
I train with my Katana every day, this superior weapon can cut clean through steel because it is folded over a thousand times, and is vastly superior to any other weapon on earth. I earned my sword license two years ago, and I have been getting better every day.
I speak Japanese fluently, both Kanji and the Osaka dialect, and I write fluently as well. I know everything about Japanese history and their bushido code, which I follow 100%.