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"Working out is just a way to make your slow walk to death a little more attractive."
"Reading inspirational quotes is like staring at a treadmill to lose weight."
"I hope that fetus you aborted took up your last ova."
"What really brings the child out of me? 'A miscarriage.'"
"What’s blue and doesn’t fit? A dead epileptic."
"Where did Lucy go during the bombing? Everywhere."
"Dyslexic man walks into a bra."
"Thirty year old men are like iphones, they keep getting bigger."
"Why did the chicken cross the road? To reach the other side...."
"When women use chemicals to remove polish its okay, but when the germans do it it's bad?"
"Dream it. Believe it. Achieve it. Wake up."
Why is the internet so heckin dark?
Jesus Christ...
"Hey girl are you the sun? Cause it hurts to stare at you."
-One of my own.