It’s about wanderer, and no, I don't want to make you a messenger for some childish mutual talk. I just want to put something out there, the things that have been in my head for a while, but i’ll try to make it brief. I don’t resent wanderer, i don’t dislike him, i stopped talking to him because he was to clingy, and not to expose him, but his “obsession” with me was unhealthy, but honestly it was not one-sided, i like wanderer, he is a really good friend and from all the time i spent with him i would say a decent person too.But i just couldn’t make up my mind, i was inconsistent with my intent, i was afraid to stay in touch with him, keep my connection to the past, that was the reason i wanted to leave ze, and i nearly did, but then the conflict in Ukraine happened, and i wanted to check if everyone was okay, so i stayed.And the fact that i was concerned for others struck me with a realization that i don’t want to leave, i am just afraid, i am afraid of facing up to my past, what i’ve done, what i’ve said, i regret so many things, i was such a spiteful and miserable individual, practically all i did was ruin others fun, and looking back to my past i feel ashamed. So i wanted to run away from that and forget it happened, i wasn’t even brave enough to tell my real name even to wanderer, running away was always at the back of my mind.
And this intense fear i am feeling, tells me a lot about myself. No matter how idiotic or ridiculous it sounds, i don’t want to run away now. I cannot erase my mistakes, and i understand that i ♥♥♥♥♥♥ up perhaps too much, and me being here may and will cause people to remember things they don’t want to remember, for the lack of a better way to put it. But i must at the very least say sorry, to everyone i was a piece of ♥♥♥♥ to, or i’ll regret it for the rest of my life i wager. So If wanderer wants to talk to me, i don’t mind anymore. I suppose i can’t help him, maybe i can’t even be a friend to him.


2/
I want to be honest. Wanderer doesn’t need to forgive me, and i don’t think we can “reconcile”, he felt like i was his brother - a place like that should not be reserved for the likes of me, it’s impossible for me to fulfill such a role. i wish i could, I wish it could’ve been simple, a part of me wanted things to go back as they were before i went all crazy, but i think this is out of the question, to much is ruined to long has passed. What i am considering is ♥♥♥♥ all this, it’s irrelevant, i can’t be someone wanderer can put his faith in, i can’t be his brother, not even a close friend, but if he wants to talk to me i am down for it, if he wants to hang out, play and whatever, i am down for it, our relationship doesn’t need to be serious, honestly i just want to have some fun and forget about all this serious struggle, i would hang out with anyone who would want to, but people think i am either a moron or to out of touch (due to my questionable actions… oh well), i am not, yeah i have a baggage i can’t deny but it is of my concern, we can put that aside and just have fun while we can, there are some thing i want to do that are on a more serious note, i wanted to apologize to norisk, but i don’t want to make it a drama, there is no need, i want to just start over (as much as it is possible) and have fun.