Recent reviews by A Lovable Ghost

Perfect

OREOS: Dino Horse is the spiritual successor to the universally acclaimed smash hit Cabela's Outdoor Adventures, building upon everything that made the fan favorite so spectacular (YOU JUST USE CARS TO WIN, AS LONG AS YOU ARE SEATED IN A VEHICLE THE ONLY HORIZON FOR YOU IS ONE OF GOLDEN RADIANCE) and revving it up to the next level! Squeezed from fresh virgins harvested at Spiral Games Studios very own Hell Engine, ARYANS: Dino Harp finally delivers what all satanists have been craving for the past 2 decades: For someone to take good ol' fashioned class based FPS gameplay, dumb it straight the ♥♥♥♥ down, shoehorn in pointless costumes and hats, and throw in all the assets from Natural Selection but instead of aliens have ZANY ASS SPACE DINOSAURS so that it can all be blended up, mixed into a fine non-alcoholic beverage, and poured all over the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ ground because holy hell this game is complete ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ why in God's name would anyone wanna drink it. But don't soften up yet, cause this game's still got enough hilariously stupid shenenigans to keep your clit rock solid; It's got all the core essentials to being cool, including but not limited to 1) Dramatic Slo-Mo Kill Cams so you can soak in you/your friends every death, 2) ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ jetbikes, 3) ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ JETPACKS, 4) Poorly Optimized Motion Blur (a strong sign of being truly next-gen), and 5) Rag Doll Physics out the ASS. If you aren't soaked through to the seat by now than you gotta have a crotch colder than the Artic Circle, in which case this is the kind of game that might just actually kill you. TL;DR it's ugly and stupid and cheap but if you're looking for a silly co-op shootbanger than you came to the right place

It has finally been revealed, the phantom that has stalked your every wetdream, haunted your secret late-night thunderbating, and lingered in the back of every lewd thought you've had about your hair dresser, has come to light for all to see. Yes friends, Loadout has at long last arrived, and with it your prayers for a mature, sophisticated, quadruple A shootbanger have been answered. Gaze my friends, gaze upon the flawlessly executed character design that is so rife with jiggle bones and over-the-top personality (sprinkled with a sizeable dosage of pop culture references) that you've already ordered body pillows for every character before you've even played the game. But that's not all my friends, oh no that's only the tip of the phallus. Let your eyes linger on the DEEP weaponcrafting of Loadroute, for it is truly an eyegasmic experience for the whole family to enjoy. Stare in bewilderment, let your jaw slacken and your jowls quiver with succulent anticipation as you piece together your very own instrument of Hasbro approved destruction. Upon it's completion you receive a standing ovation from everyone you've ever loved as you christen your newfound love with whatever combination of ♥♥♥♥ and balls suits your deluded fancy, and then, OOHhhhHH THHEEENN, the REAL games start. Then it turns into an enjoyably casual twitch shooter version of TF2 without any of the stupid ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ or forced character personality, and it even has the capacity to be my favorite if I could stop having so many BadDragon marketers forcibly testing their newest products on me every time I try to shootbang.

The Mummy Returns is about some hopped up british orphan who's spewing so much 19th century angst about roasting everything she ever loved in an act that can only be described as "sexual arson", that it's difficult to appreciate the gorgeous design that was so lovingly applied by the entire arts department from Tim Burton's School of Morbid Teenwank. With hair-tech so good that Japan weeps in unison for the fallen idol that was once FF XIII, this game is the perfect consolation prize to those goth's who shoot up in your local park (you know who you are and I'll have you know, No your father is not proud of you now please come home your mother is worried sick) because some punk band from Russia doesn't like President Putatohead.

Serious Sam 3: Brain ♥♥♥♥♥♥ Eygptians is by far the most cleverly written political satire to ever grace the human race with it's iridescent presence. In the infinite wisdom from the omniscient immortals at Croteam, the vicious dictatorship of Hosni "Mental" Mubarak is expertly represented as a bunch of suicidal members of the Headless Horsemen's Al Qaeda Alien Death Sect, as the relentless try to halt the glorious charge of Arab Spring Sam. Defining the phrase "crackling with sexual energy", Serious Sam 3: Big Fat Erections is the voice of a generation, it answers the call of gamers craving for something more daring, something more extreme, something to make them touch themselves more furiously and gasp gasmically at the mere though of a controller then any overpriced DLC pack ever could. It calls forth a tension that can only be unjustifyingly compared to being unwittingly caught with a stiffy at a pre-school and having to wade through a sea of reasonably horrified soccer moms and teen parents who shower you with fetuses from their unwanted pregnancies. Serious Sam 3: Boobs Feel Erotic was created with the worlds Macho-Powered Graphics engine which produces a plethora of visuals so real, that the animations are toned down by default to spare thy mind of trying to take in two identical realities at once, and any poor Icarus who dares try to fly higher and adjust the settings will be instantly rendered into a coma by the eye-meltingly good graphics that will literally cause them to drown in their own drool. All of this goodness is spliced in with some of the most dramatic character development ever fathomed by a college dropout from some ♥♥♥♥ hole in Europe, with Samuel being so overflowing with emotion, determination, wholesome relatability and butt jokes from 2006, that when the game ends their is a 78% chance the player will promptly suicide because they cannot fathom a world in which Cereal Sam is not by their side whilst gently caressing the back of their carpal tunnel riddled wrist.
TL;DR It's dumb, cheap, rips off the plot from majora's mask almost as much as I rip off jokes from TBF, and it's got a helluva rectum ripper for a final boss.

Knitting Flour is a sexually charged satire about the consumeristic society of modern day England. In a total heel move, Kneading Fleece actually rewards newer players who have just bought the game as opposed to helping those who have purchased it previously by giving them all sorts of tasty treats to munch on while skateboarding off of each others ♥♥♥♥♥, leaving the veterans to cower and shrivel in the corner with nothing but their measley base skins and XP while the playground bully known as DLC pokes them with a rather large stick and tries to pressure them into spending their hard earned cash on some of his "services". The gameplay in Karate Flop consists of you and 5 other losers who in yet another cunning move by Tripwire Interactive are all voiced by the same British man (if you chose to give into peer pressure earlier on and got into Mister DLC's unmarked white van you can receive an additional 2 voice actors) to really send home the impression that society has decayed into a bunch of greedy identical sheep. It's pretty much a dude shooter, with some dudes being bigger and having more lights strapped to them then other dudes, and festivities happen around the holiday times, ya know in case you don't have any friends or family and your one outlet for communication and celebration is your computer, you pathetic ♥♥♥♥. TL;DR It's aight

Another chilling example of cinematic excellence by acclaimed director Lars von Tier, No More Room in Harlem is a gripping coming-of-age biopic about the Troubles of growing up in the shadow of dope slingers and gang bangers in the impoverished half of the Big Apple. Starring Jayden Smith as Te'Niel Dadaist, a street wise hood orphan who grew up on the wrong side of the tracks, and ‎Quvenzhané Wallis as the happy-go-lucky Alicia Wunduhlund whose only got 5 months to live. Also starring Anthony Mackie as Big Wood, this cultural phenonemon is already sweeping the globe and bringing those who have lived through the Troubles standing up and proclaiming proudly, with their hearts full and their eyes damp, "I was there."
TL;DR 10/10 It's free, it plays pretty well, and it ISN'T CONTAGION.

An amnesic Seth Green and his magical decapitated cow head, James, must journey posthaste across the literal hell hole that is Arizona to stop an uprising of street-wise black midgets that threaten the very foundations upon which Suburban White Male America is based upon. It's got spin cats and chest beefers too, if the whole street-wise black midget thing doesn't get you gushing and gasping.

Oh and theres a "softcore" mode for schlumps who just want to pick up soy milk so that they can eat their diet cereals like the true vaginas they are, labias flapping flacidly in the wind to the musical stylings of underground German rap groups from the early 90's.

2 Risen 2 Furious is an edge of your seat thriller about one mans quest to find one decent character model in a world of overbloated polygons and poorly delivered dialouge. Join Detective Patches as he goes undercover to take down Jake the Snake's Python Gang using his steely nerve, neverending rolling animations, and all the high-stakes inventory management he can muster. **DISCLAMIER** I could only handle 11 minutes of this before I lost all will to continue and wrote this based off of the 6 minutes of actual gameplay I had while still drying my tears from the experience that is of Risen 2: Dark Waters.

Guns of Iscariot is the latest in a long of Anti-Jewish propaganda in which Hebrew Hate Balloons target Christian-powered flying orphanages for destruction in the name of their twisted Jew God. 6/10 not enough sacrilegious heretics being blasphemous.