Isolated into the depths of insanity
As I patiently await an early death
So I often find myself asleep
Dreaming of something else

Day 2,803

How long have you gone without communicating

Day 2,804

*derogatory internal dialogue continues*
Maybe if I sleep I'll feel better tomorrow

Day 2,805

Death by loneliness
How cruel a fate
Could you perceive

Day 2,806 (6/6/2025)

...
strange experience

maybe if I sleep I'll feel better tomorrow

at least you almost didn't seize feelings
//
Like a roller coaster of psychological torture
And a couple enjoyable moments
..
then mind numbing sedatives and poison

shot down by
countless rounds of rejection

two shots of whiskey and internal dialogue's f#cked
coffee flavored bleach water doesn't help much

ADHD meet writer's block

I'd propose in a moment
if I ever had a chance
if I ever had a chance

*two more shots*

she's so gorgeous y'all
oh this rare-withdrawal
I miss her meows
Where is she now

mimis time

Day 2,807 (6/7/2025 ~1:30 AM CST)
Two hours of sleep and no hangover
Internal dialogue is slightly more quiet
Still might be a bit intoxicated

I seem to have found myself in some strange Twilight-esque parallel reality
I won't elaborate on details
//
*starts drinking white rum with cola* (5PM CST)
sigh

//As this chair fell to the floor
//Took my last breath I'm breathing no more
//Air 'cause you never cared about me

//I can't seem to ever help myself
~~
//Why can't I seem to help myself
//I don't belong here
~~
//Do I belong here
//In this hell

//They remind me of all my sins
//Then all these women
//I can't be with

*mixes second cup of white rum and cola* (~9:30 CST)

Feeling sort of tipsy would rather keep thoughts to myself

Day 2,808 6/8/2025 (~3:30 AM CST)

I should probably sleep soon

[7 hours pass]

Wake up feeling sad again
Maybe I should lay in bed
Disassociate play pretend
Rend until crimson red
Waiting for worlds to end
You're all only in my head
Avatars of who I am


Why still have feelings
You stupid dumb f#ck
Why you keep thinking about her
'Cause she's too gorgeous
You pathetic incel
I know you can't help yourself now

Why not be apathetic
What the f#ck is wrong with your brain
Why you still thinking about her
'Cause her voice is sweet
Like songs I keep on repeat
Why ask more stupid questions

WHY CAN'T YOU STOP
THINKING ABOUT HER
WHAT THE ACTUAL F#CK
IS WRONG WITH YOUR BRAIN
MAYBE YOU SHOULD'VE BLOWN
YOUR GUTS ON THE CEILING
AND SAVED YOURSELF FROM
ANOTHER HEARTBREAK

//

They're all so mean with their projectors and screens
I wonder what happened to them

~3:30 PM more white rum than cola this time

You were fine (not really but it wasn't this bad)
You started drinking alcohol again

Off the f#cking wagon
Like Oregon trail
Thinking about having a blood bath

Promise me you'll be sober for a while after today
Seriously bro, if she wanted to talk with you she would've already

At least you're doing good at the internal suffering speed run
Which you derived a few solid lines

Remember the teachings of Buddha, desire is suffering
You're almost 3,000 days into the celibacy experiment
3 days without hearing her voice isn't going to kill you
Eh, except I die a bit more each day

//

Like method writing and bible scrabble

Day 2,809 6/9/2025 (11:30AM CST)

*scratches*
Day 3 of missing her voice
*the withdrawals grow fonder*

sigh..

She's soooooo haawwwwwt
Swear on god
When I hear her in chat
I just wanna [pause]
Say III looove you-
Please talk with me

Why stay away
I'm going insane
Please talk with me
//
She's so hot
Swear on god
When I hear her in chat
I just wanna ask
If she'll talk with me
//

Tortured, being paid in vices so I can write about a gorgeous lady who doesn't want to talk with me
How strange and cruel

Over and over and over again
Until I kill myself
So you can say that you win
What the f#ck is this
I don't wanna die
If I'm alone though
I might as well try

//

She's so hot
Swear on god
When I hear her in chat
I feel my heart collapse
Now we're spiraling
Into insanity
The f#ck is wrong with me
Why do I gotta be
Alone in misery

//

Feels like I'm a science experiment in some strange simulation
Where a botnet follows you around flashing words and numbers

//

[7 1/2 hours pass]

Is she still alive
I have to ask
As I hold my tears
Trying not to cry

//

The rest of that white rum is out there waiting for me

//

Day 2,810 6/10/2025 (3:00 AM CST)

I avoided rest of that white rum and slept for about four hours

Still kinda groggy, I should go rest more

*my brain goes: shots shots shots*
*my brain goes: you'll be dead soon anyway, hey, hey*

about quarter to five AM I did two shots because ♥♥♥♥ you brain for telling me to do three
probably not a good sign you're drinking this early
it's your fault falling for a gorgeous lady out of your league
why you do this stuff to yourself
because you're being punished as entertainment for bored people
maybe you should die already and spare yourself from the rest of this clinical isolation
like how far gone are you that you start building walls of text because a gorgeous lady doesn't want to talk with you, again

AND WE'LL GO
BACK TO SLEEP

Maybe you'll feel better for a few minutes after some mimis


[11 hours pass]

Day 4 of the rare withdrawals, unsure if I can feel anymore depressed, though I'll probably find out

*scratching intensifies*

If the rare withdrawals do kill me, how ironically Odin

Day 2,811 6/11/2025 (12 AM CST)

Day 5 of the rare withdrawals, perhaps there are fates worse than death

*sighs*

*scratches*

*lights cigarette*

*breathes poison*

[3 hours pass]

*empties bottle of white rum*

Day 2,812 6/12/2025 (~1 PM CST)

Day 6 of the rare withdrawals

*scratches*

I don't think I'll drink today
Don't feel like doing anything
Except talking with this gorgeous lady
Maybe Zane is actually crazy

//

Guess this is what happens when confined to a solitary sausage fest after a full-on character assassination plot and you hear the slightest sounds of sweet gorgeousness

Eh, at least you'll be dead soon
(You're about dead already)
As if there's anything left worth killing

"The man who kills a man kills a man.
The man who kills himself kills all men.
As far as he is concerned, he wipes out the world."

Remember when the samurai would rather cut their guts open than dishonor

Day 2,813 6/13/2025

day 7 rare withdrawals

*sighs*

*chews diphenhydramine*

*chews more diphenhydramine*

She don't know that you exist
A forsaken fate they insist
Close them eyes slit your wrist
For all those sadomasochists

At least you have a good streak going, like ~111 more days and you spent 8 of your prime years in celibate isolation and didn't kill yourself. That's pure perseverance, you know, resilience at its finest

Day 2,813 6/13/2025 (3:30 PM CST)

Surviving to die
Why do I
Waste all my time

Day 2,814 6/14/2025

Depression

Day 2,817 6/17/2025 (1 AM)

Don't start drinking

Day 2,822 6/22/2025

I've been drinking a lot to cope with the sad feels

Day 2,824 6/25/2025

sigh

Day 2,832 7/2/2025

I should be more productive

Day 2838 7/8/2025

Truly blessed
To be in her presence
Confessions of sin
And obsession

Day 2846 7/16/2025
The absence of her voice
basically ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ torture

Day 2851 7/21/2025
I miss her