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20 of 28 (71%) achievements earned:
Personal Achievements
 

Most Improved Tapulator

Learn how to literally just navigate the main menu.
Unlocked 4 Dec, 2019 @ 2:50pm

Go Left

Move to the left.
Unlocked 4 Dec, 2019 @ 12:42pm

Go Right

Move to the right.
Unlocked 4 Dec, 2019 @ 12:42pm

Meet Your Maker

Penetrate God.
Unlocked 4 Dec, 2019 @ 1:13pm

Summer Job

Reminisce about your care-free days as a cactus picker.
Unlocked 4 Dec, 2019 @ 3:18pm

Fire Inspector

Safely deploy all the fire extinguishers. For safety.
Unlocked 4 Dec, 2019 @ 12:50pm

Early Bird

Swallow every worm.
Unlocked 4 Dec, 2019 @ 2:47pm

Sleep No More

Don't let sleeping dongs lie.
Unlocked 4 Dec, 2019 @ 2:42pm

Self Defence

Use the cake knife to defend yourself from wedding guests.
Unlocked 4 Dec, 2019 @ 1:43pm

Swan Tamer

Make peace with a gaggle of swans. Their natural instinct is to kill.
Unlocked 4 Dec, 2019 @ 1:45pm

Bulking Gear

Use all the "supplements" you can for maximal gains.
Unlocked 4 Dec, 2019 @ 3:46pm

Paperwork

Submit your monthly physical report.
Unlocked 4 Dec, 2019 @ 2:58pm

Popcorn Buffet

Eat a disgusting amount of popcorn.
Unlocked 4 Dec, 2019 @ 1:36pm

Appalling Appetite

You should see a doctor immediately.
Unlocked 4 Dec, 2019 @ 1:38pm

Clumsy

Die a lot of times in your nightmares.
Unlocked 4 Dec, 2019 @ 1:57pm

A Better John

Start taking responsibility for you actions.
Unlocked 4 Dec, 2019 @ 2:49pm

Always Finishes First

Good at video games. Terrible at sex.
Unlocked 4 Dec, 2019 @ 4:34pm

Generous Lover

Finish last in a Party Mode game.
Unlocked 4 Dec, 2019 @ 4:17pm

Autopaedicatio

Penetrate yourself in Traditional Mode.
Unlocked 4 Dec, 2019 @ 3:58pm

Fussy Lover

Save yourself for that special orgy.
Unlocked 4 Dec, 2019 @ 4:11pm



Master Unlocker

Collect enough milk to fill the tank.

Couch Party

Have enough friends and enough controllers to play an 8 player game.

Spare Wheel

Be the only one locked out of an ouroborus.

The Perfect Partner

Marry yourself in Abstinence.

My Precious

Get all of the rings in Lord of the Rings.

Magnetic Basshole

Win Lights Out in under five seconds.

Safety First

Everyone survives having sex in a trash-compactor full of needles.

Till Death Do Us

Have sex in the Date Night graveyard.