- Always remember you are unique. Just like everyone else.

- The difference between stupidity and genius, is that genius has its limits.

- I fear one day I'll meet God, he'll sneeze and I won't know what to say.

- They say that love is more important than money, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?

- I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

- Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

- A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.

Q: How many vegans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Everybody knows they can't change anything.

- Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.

- I don't know if God exists, but it would be better for His reputation if He didn't.

- I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. It looks fun.

- Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.

- A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

- Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

- Everybody who is incapable of learning has taken to teaching.

- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.