I thought of killing myself again a few weeks ago but pussied out and it wouldn't make any difference to my condition because I missed my chance for suicide many years ago and am worried about what comes after death, that maybe being alive is a realm of safety from the world of the dead. That I myself have become a zombie wearing my own skin why end it now, I don't get the romance of a teenage suicide anymore either. I don't know what to tell further and I've stalled typing this, it feels odd that you ended your own life.

Virtually all say including a small part of myself out of a compassion and sentimentality that people shouldn't kill themselves but suicide is the last resort of preventing your soul to be raped and your dignity rendered invalid, that your self is too precious and beautiful to be at mercy to your will, you would be truly dead wearing the skin of that person who once was otherwise. At the same time depending on if the trauma is stultifying people can keep going and not lose themselves like animals with lost limbs or struck by lightning, that life is all there is and perhaps losing a part of ourselves is common though it is fair and natural to be mortified and harrowed if a foundational brick of our ego has been smashed to pieces, and that all of the drudges walking around threw away who they were though cynically and carelessly. I find the reasons from what I was told to be lithely juvenile but I wasn't in your life for years so I wouldn't know what was going on and can't judge.

I've combed over typing a statement multiple times in my head every time I drive long-distance and can make the deviation to go where you're buried but don't visit it because I wouldn't know what to say or do there. We weren't close friends anyway but around the time you committed suicide I was thinking about getting back into contact with you and a year later learned what happened, maybe I've even told you to kill yourself on imageboards because you're a libertarian. People like you full of well-wishing hopes and upheld to being a "good person" killing themselves over setbacks while the population of trash and subhumans grow larger everyday has jaded emotionally for me but is still a fact I face, if guys like us weren't so sensitive though it'd be at least a sea less of difference between us and them, who else but us can bring retribution to balance the books of this world.

Still missing ya, bud

Rest in peace bud

See you when I see ya, wherever that may be.