So I'm (32m) a pretty big guy (5'6 350lb) and I recently just got into the rapper Nettspend and all those rappers with that 'opium aesthetic'. But it was just something about Nettspend that really stood out to me. His beautiful bleach blonde locks along with his aura-filled aesthetic really did something for me.

Ever since I started getting more in tune with his public appearances (interviews, photos with fans, etc.), I've started to want to look like him. I've started growing out my hair, I dyed it bleach blonde and started dressing more 'hardcore' and 'opium-like'.

But the thing that I think differentiates me and Nettspend (besides his outstanding musical abilities) is weight. He is a bit more slim than I am, and it has sent me into a downward spiral mentally which has eventually led to an eating disorder. I have been eating far less than I typically do and practically have been starving myself just so I can feel what it is like to be skinny like Nettspend and hopefully I can reach the level of coolness and 'aura' as he has.

My girlfriend (20f) has took notice to this and is worried for me. But I've been trying to explain to her that I can look like my favorite rapper Nettspend if I keep doing this. I've been denying all she cooks for me (even my favorite hamburger helper) She doesn't quite understand because she's more or less a 'normie' and only listens to generic pop/commercial sounding artists (Taylor Swift, Sabrina Carpenter, Miley Cyrus, etc.) and doesnt quite understand my opium way of life. I've been explaining it to her whenever she brings it up and I feel that she is starting to dissaprove of my hardcore, rockstar, opium lifestyle more and more every day. I heard her on the phone the other day with her parents and heard her say something along the lines of "If he keeps this up is it okay if I come back home for a while?"

I was unable to hear her parents response and I am hoping they said no because I don't want her to leave me, but, I dont want to stop being opium and hardcore. I don't know what to do and whether I should follow my dreams of being like Nettspend or risk my girlfriend of 2 years leaving me. Does anyone else have a similar experience? Or am I a lone wolf here?