Caught my gf pooping... so I broke up with her. She said shes off to pee while were watching a movie, now shes been gone 5 minutes and i knew something was up, i knocked on the door and asked if everything is ok, she said yes she'll be right out...her voice was labored and i became suspicious...so i yelled "IM COMING IN!!' she screamed no but there was no stopping this, i smashed through the door and i see her sitting on the toilet seat, i told her to get the ♥♥♥ up, she didnt so i threw her off, i looked inside the toilet...just as i suspected, a ♥♥♥♥♥♥ log, ♥♥♥♥♥ u better pray this isnt yours. i looked around and saw no pet in site, I KNOW THIS IS UR POOP U ♥♥♥♥♥, she screamed at me that im crazy and that shes calling the cops, all the while toilet paper in her hands. i told her no need to call the cops, im breaking up with u u some kinda poop ♥♥♥♥♥. and that was that. I feel like a new man and off to find a woman who doesnt poop.

clutch player, cool under pressure, let's keep clutching rounds ˘⌣˘

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When I was in school I used to have an IQ of 15. My classmates used to harass me for not being that smart. But since 2013, my life has changed. My IQ is now 195 and it increases by 5 every time I sit down on Saturday nights to watch this one show. It is called Rick and Morty. Because of that, I get all the girls and people are always comparing me to Albert Einstein, some even say that I am the cure for cancer. When the government found out that I watch Rick and Morty, they showed up to my residence and took me to a secret facility to take an exam. The exam was about explaining all the jokes in Rick and Morty and I had to answer each question in all currently spoken languages. Since I watched Rick and Morty, I didn't have any problems and I completed it in 30 minutes. The next day, I got to see the results and I passed the exam with a score of 100%. They gave me the title "Smartest Man in Existence". Guess I am out of this world.